Random Gems From the Second Half of Life

New Year Resolution

2011-01-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

My Resolution this year is to write more. Not necessarily more in content, but more often. I figure that the amount of content will work itself out, but I have become acutely aware of day to day things that I do not want to forget. Since I can never find my journal when I need it, I have chosen this venue to capture those memories. Now I don't really expect to get "read" and I don't really care about that. If I do, so be it. I know that what I put out on the "web" can be read by anyone, but I don't really have any desire to write anything that couldn't BE read by anyone. I know that some teachers won't post anything on the internet for fear that it will somehow lead to dismissal from their jobs, but I think that common sense can save you from a lot of trouble there. First, it's kinda stupid to write something on the internet that you don't want someone to read. Second, keep you identity from your students. It's not that hard!

Anyway, I am mostly interested in getting down the mundane daily stuff, kinda like my grandmother did. It's nice to have the reference.

Today was cold and mostly sunny, but snow is supposed to move in tomorrow. Yes, this is the kind of stuff I mean when I say "mundane, daily stuff".

This is lovely.

2010-11-30T12:40:00.000-08:00

I should like to find the existence of what my father called "Plain living and high thinking."

I want some fields and hills, woodlands and streams I can call my own. I want to spend my strength in making fields green, and the cattle fat, so that I may give sustenance to my loved ones, and aid to those neighbors who suffer misfortune; I do not want a life of monotonous paper-shuffling or of trafficking with money-mad traders.

I only want enough of science to enable fruitful husbandry of the land with simple tools, a time for leisure, and the guarding of my family's health. I do not care to be absorbed in the endless examining of force and space and matter, which I believe can only slowly lead to God.

I do not want a hectic hurrying from place to place on whizzing machines or busy streets. I do not want an elbowing through crowds of impatient strangers who have time neither to think their own thoughts nor to know real friendship. I want to live slowly, to relax with my family before a glowing fireplace, to welcome the visits of my neighbors, to worship God, to enjoy a book, to lie on a shaded grassy bank and watch the clouds sail across the blue.

I want to love a wife who prefers rural peace to urban excitement, one who would rather climb a hilltop to watch a sunset with me than to take a taxi to any Broadway play. I want a woman who is not afraid of bearing children, and who is able to rear them with a love for home and the soil, and the fear of God.

I want of government only protection against the violence and injustices of evil or selfish men.

I want to reach the sunset of life sound in body and mind, flanked by strong sons and grandsons, enjoying the friendship and respect of neighbors, surrounded by fertile fields and sleek cattle, and retaining my boyhood faith in Him who promised a life to come.

Where can I find this world? Would its anachronism doom it to ridicule or loneliness? Is there yet a place for such simple ways in my own America or must I seek a vale in [Chinese] Turkestan where peaceful flocks still graze the quiet hills?

This was written by John Birch for whom the John Birch Society was named. You can read more about him here.

United? States

2010-10-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

I may step on toes here, but this has been bugging me for some time.

Minority? Majority? Black? African American? White? Racism? These terms have no place in modern times. When I meet a person, I don't see there color except to identify them. Yet if you ask me to describe them and they are of color, I hesitate to say so. Why? Because I am afraid it will offend someone. Why should that be?

I don't know what it is like to be black anymore than a black person knows what it is like to be white. What we know of it is what we learn from pop culture. But that shouldn't matter. Why do we still have "black" and "colored people" organizations if we can't have "white" or "Caucasian" organizations? I can see how that was necessary for a time when wrongs were being righted, but now? Doesn't it just keep the divide open? White's won't always be a majority, so is it wise to continue these kinds of minority groups? What about affirmative action? When the goal was to try to lessen the disparities, sure I can see it. But what about now when everyone is really beginning to be color blind? Doesn't that just keep color in the line of sight?

I am not saying there is no more racism. There is racism ON BOTH SIDES. There is discrimination in every part of life. It is impossible to stop that. But aside from being able to see it as a "feature", like blue eyes or a pert nose, color is fading very quickly. Isn't it time that colored people let it go too?

Be proud of who you are, yes. We all have a culture that is unique. But while it DESCRIBES us, it shouldn't DEFINE us. I have a little Irish or Scottish and a bunch of German in me. That fascinates me, but I am American. Not White-American. Not German- or Irish- or whatever-American, Not even European-American. I am not hyphenated anything American. I am American.

Obama is the President. Do we need to see him as a Black President? Isn't he the President of us all? Unfortunately, I don't think even he sees it that way. Instead of Uniting our country, he continues to blame and point fingers and now even makes reference to a dark time in our history by saying Republicans have to stay in the back. This was no doubt a reference to the days when white people banished colored people to the backs of buses. Aren't we beyond that now? Shouldn't that metaphor be put to bed with the awfulness that it was? Shouldn't the President be a uniter rather than relegate a segment of society "to the back"? For anyone who says the Republicans are the party of no, let me ask this: Whose responsibility is it to reach across the aisle? The Representatives? No they are supposed to be the most like the people who voted for them. We want them to be idealogical and hold their groung or persuade us why we need to change our minds. The Senators? Maybe, they are supposed to have cooler heads, but still, they represent the people of thier districts and should have their interests at heart. I say the President has the full responsibility to lead. He is the one who should facilitate compromise. He is the one who should have EVERYONE's interest in mind. He is the one who is responsible for whatever division there is in the land. He is the one, who if an unpopular decision is to be made, should take responsibility for it. He should not blame others, he should not make fun of the response of the opposition. He should be sensitive to whatever the results are and to the people who are affected adversely. And should it come to it, he should gracefully accept the blame.

How does that apply to the race issue? I think that the President should be the FIRST person to drop labels and speak to Americans only. Not to Republicans, Democrats, blacks, whites or hispanics. Just Americans. He needs to be the one to unite us. He needs to be the one to stand up and say he will not use the race card. He, whoever he may be over the next decade or two, needs to say, "NO", when any group tries to accuse another of racism. Predjudice occures. It is natural. I have them, you have them. They are not necessarily based on race. Mine is based on an entitlement attitude and it fits whites, blacks, hispanics, rich, or poor. I despise when someone thinks something is owed to them without doing anything to deserve it. I hate when people on welfare think the government owes them money, I hate when movie stars think they are above the law, I hate when famous people think they automatically get to speak out even when they are stupid. I hate when rich people think everyone should get out of their way and they can treat people however they please, and yes, I hate when there are black organizations and whites have to allow everyone in their organizations. It's not that I think there should be white organizations, it's that I don't think there should be black organizations either. What gives black people a right to exclude? How can you possibly expect racism to go away, when you support it yourselves by singling yourselves out and excluding everyone else? Just who is it that is being racist?

I resent that I even have to resort to saying this on such a low key venue because I am afraid I will be labeled a racist for it. Is my opinion any worse that the NAACP labeling a stupid factious group, like the Tea party, racist? That doesn't even have any basis! How can you expect me to not see color, when you are still holding it up as a banner?

I will step off of my soap box. I'm sorry if this stepped on toes. This is directed at no one except maybe Obama for the president part. I do have friends of color and they know how I feel about such things. One of them said, "you don't know what it's like to grow up black" and I simply said to her that it shouldn't be that different for any child. She agreed to that and we both understood that this isn't an ideal world. It's up to us to stop drawing those lines of distinction. We are people, human, Americans. Life is different for each of us. But it doesn't have to be because of the color of our skin.

That being said, from my perspective, desegregation was the best policy ever put in place. It has been the slow way to change things, and bussing was a horrible disaster, but desegregation did what it was supposed to do. I was in on of the first generations to go all through school with it being desegregated. With that exposure, some of the fear and curiosity was laid to rest. The next group was even more accepting, and on and on. My kids' groups of friends are all mixed up. They get along with each other well and no one thinks twice about black, white, hispanic, or even middle eastern. They seem to actually enjoy talking about each other's cultures and don't mind asking. My generation didn't like to ask, but we learned about each other just be being together. Kids the age of mine don't even seem to see differences in the way they look. They tease each other about stereotypes, but it doesn't seem to bother any of them. The fear for them is just not there. I know this isn't common in every school district, but I think if we as adults were to stop the segregation in our own lives, our children would follow suit. It has to stop somewhere.

I would be interested to hear from other people on this. You will have to email me at jem6j@mtsu.edu though becasue I don't want random angry posts on my blog. But if you email me with a thought out response, I might like to post it here. I just won't tolerate anything hateful.

Trying to Summarize

2010-10-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

I sit here staring at the blank post screen. I want to fill it with something, but I'm not sure what. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. It's that there's SO MUCH to write about. Where do I begin? What do I include? There is no way I'm gonna get it all down. Life has been so full!

So...
Thank You, Lord for this full, blessed life.

Thank You for family, my husband, 5 children and a son-in law, my mother, a sister and brothers and their families, and dear cousins who are still so loving and caring even though I don't keep in touch with them very well.

Thank You for friends, Fifi, Beckster, Tina, Sarah, Jean-Luc, and the ones I miss so much.

Thank You for health-other than my itchy eye and Ryan's retarded toe, we are all in good health.

Thank You for rain that we hadn't seen in over a month and was beautiful when it finally came yesterday.

Thank You for cooler weather and a hint of autumn and the holidays to come.

Thank You for all the teenagers we have had in the house lately-they keep me young!

Thank You for a cozy, welcoming home that you gave us instead of a show house that I wanted so bad, but that no one would have felt comfortable in.

Thank You for songs that You use to speak to me and I don't mean that like the way my crazy aunt use to hear messages in Christmas music she played in July (She did get better though and ended up being a great correspondant with me when my children were young.)

Thank You for providing for me to finish school and for preparing a job for me when I am done so I can pay back those loans.

Thank You for great professors who have taught me so much this year-so far it has been the best school year ever. I feel that I have learned more this year than I ever have in a single school year in college. Please help me from becoming overwhelmed and getting panicky over all that I have to do.

Thank You for allowing me to leave work so I can focus on school and even though it is tight, you have provided.

Thank You, for long drives to and from school that allow me some time to focus on You..along with the road of course.

Thank You for safely returning those 33 miners in Chili and for giving the one the opportunity to really think about what he has done to his wife. I can't imagine that he could escape death like that without reconsidering the mistress thing. Maybe they won't get back together (she may just want to ditch him altogether after the way that played out.), but I am sure that he has had to do some soul searching about it.

Thank You for my butterfly garden that brought me so much joy this summer.

Thank You for the car You helped us buy last year. It's a great one!

Thank You for not forgetting my loved one that questions you and for speaking to his soul. I know You will not fail him. You are forever faithful.

Thank You for the love of a good man and for using him to show me You.

Thank You for my cat that loves me so much she can't stand not to be in my lap as I type this.

I will stop now, but I want to also thank You for having a sense of humor to put up with me;) Love you, Jesus!

Amen.

Farewells and Faith Building

2010-08-23T09:27:00.001-07:00

Summer goes too fast. Now I have one married off, one having gone off to college and stayed gone for 2 years (only coming here to visit), one moving off to college on Friday, and the last two are both in high school. I just wish summer had lasted a little bit longer.

I know I am going to be a terrible empty nester. I love noise. I love the busy, crazy holidays when everyone is home and the house is messy. But the house is silent now. I find that I cannot just sit and be productive in the silence. I have to have the TV on or the radio, something to make noise in the background. I miss my babies. I wish I had loved on them a little more and yelled at them a little less.

One thing that this summer has produced is me being back at home and a renewed spiritual life. Work and school distracted me so that I had forgotten who I was. God reminded me over the summer and has proven Himself faithful once again. In spite of the rebellious, sinful nature that I tend to nurture when out of touch with Him. He has been there waiting for me to get over my stupidity and turn back to Him. At first I felt dead and like I could not reach Him. But lately I've been noticing that some very small, almost unthought prayers have been answered.

We have been needing a roof for years. It was bad. We were losing shingles. But we figured the roof was old and that the ins. company wouldn't cover it. I started jokingly praying that we would get enough of a windstorm to take the roof off, but not so much that it would damage people or contents. Well we started getting roofers stopping by the house and telling us that we had wind damage to the roof and that we could get insurance to pay for it. We weren't sure OUR insurance would pay much of anything and we were positive that they wouldn't cover it all. Shane came home from work one day in the middle of a typical Tennessee thunderstorm, complete with the gusty winds, to see every shingle on the front of the house standing straight up. By the end of the month we had a check in hand from the insurance company for the downpayment and instructions for turning in the paperwork at the end of the job to get the rest. They were going to cover it all and the age was not even taken into consideration...it was storm damage. Plus, during the floods in May, the roof had leaked and caused some minor damage to the bathroom upstairs. Kilz and paint will take care of it, but the insurance company gave us enough that if we do that work ourselves, we can upgrade to the architectual shingles and get a ridge vent! We will still have money left over! To top it all off, we had gotten gutters with the helmet on them years ago becuase we have so many trees. The insurance company is paying to have the company take them down and put them back on. The gutter company said they would clean them while they are down. So, except for having the exterior painted, our house is getting a facelift!

I had been joking-not really even believing God heard me on that prayer! I can hear Him laughing with delight as we got our surprise. Just like a father on Christmas day watching his children opening their presents.

As much as I wanted to remember them all, I have forgotten some of the smaller ones, but just a couple of days ago, Shane was running late for work and was really worried that his boss might get mad. I silently and quickly said a prayer asking that she be detained somehow and not see him come in late. Shane got to work before her! She was later than he was!

On a more serious note. Back in May, I had begun to really think about my friend in the Congo and his family, and the dangers they face there. I had recently read about how rape gangs were common in many of the African countries and the corrupt governments were powerless to stop them if not directly involved! I began to earnestly and specifically pray for his YOUNG daughter's and his wife's safety. He wrote me earlier this month about a thwarted attempt by a family member to rape his 11 year-old daughter (please pray for this family's safety with me)! I had to praise God for that one. I know He laid it on my heart to pray for them in advance of this trauma so that the enemy could be defeated. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

I have to add to this that the wedding that we were so afraid we wouldn't be able to afford, was paid for and everything that had me so worried leading up to it, fell perfectly in place-right down to the perfect weather! I don't think that one was for me though. That was for the couple that was MEANT to be together and had waited their whole lives for that moment. It was a beautiful union that deserved a beautiful day. I think God rewards the wait:)

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds as I have seen one prayer after another answered. I no longer feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and my focus during prayer time is stronger. I am more aware of what I am saying instead of just mumbling the same thing over and over again. God has stirred my soul-another answer to prayer.

So now for my questioning loved one. I pray for you the same. That God will reveal Himself to you and that Jesus will reveal Himself as One and the Same. I cannot make you believe, but I gave you to God from the beginning, and I know He is big enough to hold onto what is His. No, He won't force you, but He will woo you and I know from experience that His love is impossible to resist by those who have known it. I put you in His hands. I will love you no matter what. But know that it would break my heart to think I would not spend eternity with you in heaven. May God be with you.
I trust Him.

Questioning God

2010-07-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

This post is going to go around and around. In other words, I don't intend to resolve anything, but rather I want to provoke thought. There are some things running around in my head these days and I don't have answers for any of it. Sometimes simply musing over issues helps to put them in place even if they aren't resolved.

Is it right to question God? Or maybe a better question is: Is it WRONG to question God? It's not that I think He will strike someone down for it, but is it disrespectful?

I watched the new Clash of the Titans last night and at the beginning of the movie a narrator explained the setting as being in a time when the gods had been silent for so long that man questioned them. Well, that's the gyst of it. I kept thinking, yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. It's not that I question the EXISTENCE of God, but it feels like He's set us here and left us to our own devices.

In the end, I still choose to believe in God as the Creator of All, Jesus Christ who died and rose again to save us and is the ONLY way to God (at the very least, it's better to err on the safe side-HE said He was the ONLY way to the Father), and in the Holy Spirit. I also believe that soon, we will all meet God and face judgement, whether there is a rapture, a tribulation or we just die of old age. My choice to believe is my faith. It isn't something that just happens. Faith is a choice. Most of things we "have faith" in are really just learned trust. But to have faith is to trust without necessarily having the past history to warrant that trust. I trust that my car will start this morning, but I have faith that I will one day be in heaven with Jesus. My car starts every morning as long as I keep it in repair, but I have no way of knowing about heaven except what is told to me by way of the Bible.

Someone very close to me is going through a questioning period right now. I've been there. You can't be a political science major and not question. This particular question is: "how do we know if Christianity is right?" Quite frankly, EVERY religion claims to be the RIGHT religion. There is a little bit of the same stuff in all of them. I've known people who have claimed to be Christian that were awful people and I wouldn't want to share any space with them in heaven. I've also known good, loving, caring people who are agnostic if not atheistic. There are times that I think that God is not as exclusive as Christians have made him. I know people who think Mother Teresa went to hell because she was Catholic and I know people who believe Ghandi is in heaven because, while he probably did not know Jesus, he had a relationship with God. I know people who firmly believe that the God of the Bible, is the same god that the Native Americans call the Great Spirit, that Muslims call Allah, and so forth. Who is right? Is it wrong to ask that question?

I have always believed that there is absolute truth. When I look at some of the customs in Biblical times, such as slavery and polygamy, that God seemingly condones (or at the least seems indifferent to) that we condemn as sin now, I wonder if there are things that are relative about God. The Bible equates homosexuality with lying. Everyone lies, yet christians today seem to put all sexual sins in a category of sins that deserve the hottest portion of hell. What about cultures that believe that sex is a natural function of the body. Will they go to hell for not having those cultural restraints? I don't know all the answers. I would like to believe that God has a failsafe for those who don't know about him or who came before Jewish law. I'd like to believe that Christians who fall are still covered by grace even if they die in their sin. I am firm in my belief that when grace is offered, it must be accepted to be recieved. It is the rejection of faith that keeps a person out of heaven. What about those who are just confused and don't really know what to believe like my friend? Is it wrong for them not to accept Jesus, because he is confused about which religion is right about God? I sure hope that God has some kind of understanding that we are human and that He has been relatively silent since the days of Paul. Sure there are miracles every day, but when God was building a nation, He spoke in an unmistakably, loud voice and backed it up in big ways. For a person who is seeking answers, Christianity can seem like an obnoxious, arrogant philosophy. The way is straight and narrow, but to a person who does not know or understand that saying, Christianity is exclusive, condescending, and condemning. Who wants to follow that?

God has called Christians to holiness, not sinners. Love will win sinners. The Holy Spirit will speak to hearts. Sinners sin, expect nothing more. But by all means, stop being a christian and be a Christian. Stop being the hypocritic, unloving stereotype of the church. Even your own are turning away because of it.

Always learning

2010-06-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this several weeks ago, but didn't post it right away. I'm so glad I wrote it down when I did because I needed to read it again! For anyone who has ever felt the urge to write something you felt God was showing you, this is your reminder to do it. I guarantee that it will help your faith to grow because when you read it later on-you see that it really was God speaking to you. It is ALWAYS confirmed.

I hope I never stop learning, but over the last 3 or 4 years, God has stretched my fundamental beliefs and taught me that while he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, people always change. His laws are the same for all, but they are applied in different ways to different people. That is hard for a girl to accept when she's always believed in absolute Truth and the inspired Word of God. There is absolute Truth in the form of Jesus Christ, but grace is not such an absolutely definable thing. Absolute Truth exists in the phrase, "ALL have sinned and fallen short." Absolute Truth exists in the availability of grace to everyone. Absolute Truth exists in the fact that ALL sins are EQUAL! What a concept! We as christians tend to make our little white lies out to be nothing while our neighbor who is shacking up is GOIN' TO HELL! Ummm, hello! Lying is a sin. Gossip is a sin, Envy and jealousy are sins. Screwing around is...nothing more than the other things...sin. And (shock!) smoking and drinking are NOT! Are those things good for you? Of course not, but they are not mentioned as sin. Other than the admonition to keep your body as a temple to the Holy Spirit and to do ALL things in moderation-not to excess, smoking is not even mentioned in the Bible and drinking is mentioned as perfectly normal and acceptable.

I have a hard time grasping those things. On a moment to moment basis, I have to be reminded.

I have realized that while I am an optimist, I am very negative. How can this be? Well, while I am always sure that everything will work out, the situation is always bad, bad, bad in the present. Unfortunately, I tend to speak the present rather than the future. I am trying to become a more positive person. So for the next few months I am going to be working on not just seeing a positive outcome, but speaking it as well. I think the negativity began as a defense mechanism. If I talk myself down, I won't get my hopes up and be dissappointed. I have GOT to stop that. I need to find the good in every situation and every person.

I have things I want my children to learn and at this point, they will only learn from example. I have to stop grieving over the things I didn't teach them that I should have and just start setting a better example of it. I am learning on a daily basis to entrust them to the Lord and trust completely in Him to draw them to Him. He is a big God. I gave them to Him before they were born and He is completely able to hold onto them. Besides, even though I didn't do a perfect job of teaching them, they do KNOW the Truth. They may question and they may rebel, but they KNOW the Truth. God's word does not return to Him void. It always produces. I have to trust the Holy Spirit to do It's work in their hearts.

A life redeemed honors God!!
1 Tim 1: 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.
16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Phil 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, 14 I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus. 15 All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.

Kudos to Josh Wooten who gave the message in church yesterday based on the previous two scriptures. Today is a new beginning.

When will I ever learn?

2009-09-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

I am a master of jumping the gun. I cannot seem to learn the lesson about God's timing. Let me tell you about a couple of them.

26 years ago, I followed what the world projects as the "proper order of things" and went off to college right out of high school. I never even prayed about it. It was just what "you do". Somewhere during the second year, I dropped out for a boy that I thought I was in love with-Shannon Murray ****** (last name withheld). Two years after that, I had been married, abused, became a mother and was divorced (not necessarily in that order but in that amount of time). A year after that marraige was over, I met Shane. A year after that we were married. Within a year after we were married, we moved to Murray, KY. I just have to wonder what would have happened if I had skipped Shannon Murray ****** and just waited 5 or six years for Shane in Murray.

Fast forward a few years and Shane and I are looking for a new house in Murray, KY. We found an older Arts and Crafts bungalow that I simply fell in love with. It had an apartment that we felt could be easily rented out in the college town for part of the mortgage payment. The bank turned us down flat and even threw in what felt like an insult by saying that we didn't even qualify for a loan equal to what our current home was worth! I felt like my dream had died and I mourned fittingly. In fact, looking back I am embarrassed at my reaction. Wailing would be a good description but might be a little on the conservative side. Well, we ended up in Nashville a couple of years later and guess what-when we went back to Murray to close on the sale of our house, we drove by the bungalow and it was torn down! I was sick. Not for the loss of the house I loved, but for the way I had acted when God had merely been protecting us.

These are just the most apparent tales of my uncanny ability to miss God's timing. I have always been impatient with making money decisions too and those decisions have spelled near disaster for our family. But those were more subtle instances that took years to reveal themselves.

I just gotta wonder...When will I ever learn?

Kanye West-you suck

2009-09-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am not really a Taylor Swift fan. She's okay, but...well anyway, Kanye, you suck. That had to be the most tasteless and rude thing I have ever seen. I hope someone does that to you someday. Better yet, I hope you NEVER win another award as long as you live.

I don't agree (am I gonna be called out?)and my suggestion for health care.

2009-09-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

I am finding that, more and more, I am having trouble defining myself. Certainly I have deep rooted beliefs that are unshakable, but the more I learn, the more I have to refine what I believe. They are not different, just tweaked. I have always considered myself a conservative, but over the last few years, I identify less and less with the conservative crowd. I am not, nor will I ever be liberal...or is it progressive now-just another name for the same thing. It's not that my fundamental, core, beliefs have changed, but I have better learned how to define them. I have discovered that what I believe, isn't really all that conservative. If I have to place myself in a category, I have to say I am libertarian. I also find myself dividing my personal beliefs and my political beliefs. There again, they haven't changed, I have just come to know that what I believe for myself, would never work on a state-wide or national level. It isn't that what I think is right and wrong have changed, I've just realized that some people are going to go about right and wrong in a different way than I would.

When I was discovering these things about myself, I began to realize that I was loathe to disassociate myself with what I had always considered myself to be. Lately though, during all the debate over health care, I have noticed that we are all like that to a certain extent. How many people get angry over an issue just because the party they affiliate themselves with tells them to. I just think that the ability to think for ourselves is lost. Certainly it isn't taught in schools. We are given a lesson and tested over it and that becomes the extent of our knowledge. At what point do we stop letting ourselves be spoon fed information and use common sense? Why do we not question what we here on the television. Why do we vote for crooked people based on how much more crooked and hateful they can convince us that the other guy is? Why do we not think beyond the 30 second sound bite? You can't possibly learn about the issues in 30 seconds!

Have we all just become mind-numbed zombies?

That said, I will always use Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, and Sean Hannity as sources of information. I don't agree with EVERYthing they say, but I do agree with a lot of it. Even still, they have certainly done a lot more research than some of their counterparts. However, I will not follow a party line. I didn't know it, but I never really have.

To take issue with the health care situation: Nobody, I mean NOBODY thinks health care should remain status quo. It's foolish and mean to suggest that. I do believe with everything that's in me that allowing the government to have any hand other than regulating some things within the industry, is also very foolish. See regulating an industry is far less permanent than government control. Once the government starts promising free lunches, those that are actually getting the free part of that lunch, become dependent on it and you can't take it back. Then the ones who are stuck with the bill become resentful and...well, broke! And there is no way on God's green earth that Obama will ever pull any "savings" out of medicare or his butt or anything else he may say he's gonna reach into. If that were possible, it should be done ANYWAY.

As to playing partisan politics, Mr. President, you won't even let the other side have a say in the debate. Who is being partisan? I'm just calling you out on that, Mr. President. If you must do something, regulate and reform. Do not take over. Give incentives for living healthy, continue with tax incentives for health savings and allow people to carry the money over from year to year, so that if there is something elective that they want-like an adult wanting braces-they can save and plan for it. Encourage employers to purchase high deductible plans for their employees, saving the company money and covering the employee for catastrophic events and let companies compete to sell supplemental plans for those who can and want to afford it. Under no circumstances should anyone illegal be given a free ride and emergency room visits should be paid for so that it is not abused. People who are on welfare should have some of their check used to help pay for their health care. No one should get it for free because it tends to be abused and overused costing everyone more in the long run. If it costs, it will be appreciated.

I know these aren't perfect suggestions, but they are sure a heck of a lot better than what's on the table now.

Back to School and There Again

2009-09-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

Odd title? Yes, but it is referring to the fact that I started school this week. Again. At the same school I started at 26 years ago! Memories have been flooding back like crazy. The campus has changed so much, but all the elements that were in place when I was there before are still there.

In 1983, I moved into High Rise West-now Corlew Hall. The building is gutted now with renovations, but it only serves to make the feelings i have more haunting. Every time I walk by it, I can see us sitting in the windows watching the people walk by, and of course shouting down to someone every now and then.

I haven't been inside of the University Center yet. It was the hub of all the activity back in the day and was one of the largest buildings on campus. In 1983, the two high rise dorms sat off kind of by themselves and the UC was the first building you came to as you walked toward the class buildings. Now, the UC and the high rise dorms are surrounded by classroom buildings and the UC is absolutely dwarfed by the Business and Science building that stands just on the other side of high ri...I mean Corlew. Heck, Corlew is dwarfed by the BAS with the exception that it is several floors taller. Anyway, I hardly even noticed the UC as I walked past it.

Peck Hall and Kirksey Old Main are still there, and the weirdo's still hang out at Peck Hall for some reason. It has this courtyard thing going on on the bottom floor and there was always the wierdest looking people hanging out down there. Nothing's changed there. I remember once there was a guy that hung out around Peck Hall wearing sackcloth and carrying a Cross and a HUGE "REPENT" sign. That was the only time I've ever seen that outside of a movie.

There are about 3 times more people, 5 times as many cars, and about half the parking there once was! They have a soccer field where the biggest parking lot I've ever seen once was. There is still a portion of it for the football and arena parking, but the largest portion of it is gone for the soccer stadium (Couldn't they just use the football stadium?). We used to call that parking lot BFE. I won't go into what that stood for, but we called it that because it was SO FAR AWAY from everything.

Oh and the main parking lot across from the high rise dorms is now gone. I wonder where the people in those dorms park now.

There is so much congestion on the campus now, I don't know how those who ride bikes get around. The sidewalks are packed, the streets are packed, even the classrooms are packed! I think only one of my classes is not completely full and I think the only reason for that is that it is meeting in a computer lab...it's a Spanish class! I think it may have been a last minute decision to put us in that particular room.

Well, all and all, I am happy with my classes. I'm afraid of the coursework to come, but enjoy the teachers and the content so far. There is one that talks very slow, but what he says is so interesting that it makes up for it. I just notice that I tend to get lost in the long pauses though. He asked me a question today and I was taken by surprise because I thought he had already moved on from that topic. I guess I had zoned out a bit and didn't hear part of the question. No biggie. I had the answer:-)

Procrastinating

2009-08-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to get anything done today. I simply am not motivated to do anything but play with my computer. I have several things I NEED to accomplish before I go back to school, but at this rate, there is no way it will happen.

This blog entry is nothing more than putting off what I need to do. Thus the title.

I Miss Writing

2009-08-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

Writing used to come so easy to me. Sometimes, I would sit to write something and the words would come spilling out of me. I even had times when I felt that my fingers couldn't move fast enough to capture all the words falling out of my head. Much of what I typed seemed to come straight from God. It was wonderful. I loved it. It was a form of expression for me that I thrived on.

Now it's a little different. I often get a snippet or phrase that comes to me that I want to write down, but am not in a place where I can. The thought is often gone long before I am in a place where I can capture it. Then to actually make myself sit still long enough to expound on any thought is almost as hard as having a thought to expound upon.

I know that ideas are still in me somewhere, and I pray that God bring all those thoughts that I felt were worth capturing, back around for me to actually do so. I have always felt that words, once let out, were like part of us that live on forever. Certainly I felt this way about written words, but I also feel that way about spoken words. Matthew 12:36 says that we will hold account for every careless word. Somehow I imagine every word we write or speak, floating around out there in space for God to catch and save for us. I think of the opposite of that scripture as being that we will be praised for the good words we say or write. That if he saves the bad ones for us to account for, then surely the good ones are saved for our benefit.

Besides what the Bible says, I have read that sound waves go on forever. I've even read about some that believe if a such a receiver could be devised, that we could capture ancient words and listen in on conversations from across time. It's a fanciful and imaginative idea, but I kind of like the idea that what we speak today may be heard hundreds of years from now. This can't even begin to compare with the ideas I have about the written word. I mean think about the authors of the dead sea scrolls. Do you think they ever imagined that there words would be such a source of mystery so long after they are gone? To me, it's almost like letting a part of me get away if I can't save what I have written.

So now, to not even seem to be able to put any words together is painful. It has always been such a part of me. It has never mattered much to me about whether people reading it liked it as it was that I was able to get words out. I have read the Five Love Languages and I am very much a "words" person. I speak love with words and I HEAR love through words. (I'm also a gifts person, so write me a letter, something with words that I can hold in my hands, and I am a VERY happy girl). I know that you service/touch/quality time people could never understand this, but being able to write-to set my words free-is very much like eating good food to me. I don't have to have it to live, but it sure makes the things I do have to do, more enjoyable. The words I have written in the past are important enough to me that I do things to protect them and feel a loss if they are destroyed. I don't suppose it is the actual word that I mourn so much as the idea behind it, but if the words are gone, I feel the idea is lost as well.

I do feel that someday the block will be removed and God will once again allow me to form a decent, formal thought long enough to put it on paper, or in this case, in my computer's memory. But till then, I will just keep trying periodically to force the action with the hope that the inspiration will follow and in turn, more action will come on its own.

Hopefully, this will happen before school starts back so I can put it to use in my writing assignments. Did I mention that writing used to come easy to me? Oh yeah, I used to be able to BS a paper without even thinking about it. Not anymore.

Where's my Pell Grant?

2009-08-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

I got my financial aid award letter earlier this summer and it said I had a $488 Pell Grant. I just got a letter from the school saying "changes had been made" to my award and I needed to log in to see what they were. Well...MY PELL GRANT IS GONE! Why? How? I thought Obama was supposed to save us all not sink us further in to debt!!! UGH!

New Year

2009-08-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

To me, the beginning of the new school year is more of a time for "resolutions" than January 1. I always see it as a new beginning. I always make promises to myself to be more organized, more disciplined, and quite frankly, BETTER. This year is no exception to the rule with the added pressure of actually beginning a new career track for myself. If ever I needed to be more organized and disciplined, NOW is the time. I haven't taken a full load of university level courses in 25 years. I definitely haven't tried juggling a full time course load AND a job. So in the next few weeks, I am going to have to become organized to a level that I have never before achieved.

I've got my fingers crossed.

Me, with handfuls of my hair.

2009-06-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

I often have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew. I go through spells of having too much to the point of being so overwhelmed that I can't make up my mind what to do next, and then having absolutely nothing to do but get up, go to work, eat, and sleep. I absolutely thrive on the way-too-busy times. I hate it and I love it.

What always keeps me going during the craziest part of the busy time, is the thought that just around the corner, is time.

I think I lost sight of that corner.

Time to get back to what's real.

2009-04-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

My focus over the last 2-3 years has been so...off. I can't think of how else to describe it. I keep remembering 2 Thesalonians 2:3 that tells us not to let any man deceive us because in the last days, there will be a "falling away". After our former church losing it's focus and literally being in the throes of death until another church took over and the former lost all identity, I started to notice how scripture was no longer the focus of the "church" we were in. I just had a bad, bad feeling about that. I even had dreams, that I believe were prophetic warnings in nature and that have been fulfilled. We should have gotten out of there long ago. We should have heeded those warnings. Looking back, while I don't think that anyone there is aware of it, they have gotten more into the "all roads lead to heaven" theology. While I DO believe in a totally merciful God, I also believe that he provided a way for us and it is only ONE way. Is that arrogant as so many who are unchurched seem to think? Well, it wasn't me that said, "I am the way and no one comes to the Father but through Me." I think it is rather arrogant for someone to reject that way without even fully exploring it. Yes, of course it's hard. Denying yourself the things of the flesh that would bring pleasure IS hard, but is anything worthwhile easy?

Anyway, I don't think I have been deceived, as such, but I have become complacent and allowed my spiritual self to become lax and lazy. I have all but done away with reading the Bible Easy to find excuses when you go back to work and start school, but extremely detrimental-Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. I stopped going to church for at least a year which was extremely destructive to our family that now cannot agree on which church to attend. Not to mention that I don't feel like I have an extended family around me anymore to support us in times of need. There is a reason God tells us not to forsake the assembly. That is how we surround ourselves with people who love and care for us and who will drop everything to help us when we need it. Of course those are the people we will also look out for and help out. My prayer life became next to nonexistent as I would begin a prayer, get sidetracked and end up only repeating myself over and over again as I tried to remember where I left off. My mind just wandered too much. Instead of praying without ceasing, I would turn on the TV to drown out my thoughts. Of course all of this led to the "old man" being able to try to resurrect himself and wheedle his way back into my thought processing. This has been probably the biggest reason the desert I have found myself in. It is time to leave that desert and bury that old man for good. That is NOT who I am and I refuse to let him define me.

All of this is to say, that I am keenly convicted that the time is near and I need to be trimming my wick and filling my lamp with oil. I fully believe the Bridegrooom is on His way and I do not want to be caught unprepared. I have received my wake up call.

This blog is not meant for a readership. I fully believe that if someone needs to read these words, that God will send them here. I have noticed that it has at times been a source of vanity, so it is for this reason that I am going to turn the comments off. It's not because I don't want anyone disagreeing with me. It's because I like people agreeing with me too much. This blog is merely my attempt to capture the lessons God is teaching me at any given moment. It started out that way. I want it to BE that way. So hopefully this will be a little less randomness and a little more focused. Here's to a refreshing new start.

Taking Stock

2009-03-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

A friend's husband died this week and I went to the funeral. This was one of those funerals that you actually enjoy. No one is really sad except for the fact that he will be terribly missed. Everyone is absolutely sure that this man is now with Jesus, so the "funeral" is more of a celebration. Sure there are tears, but they are more a testament to how wonderful this man was rather than sadness over his passing. These are the things that I carried away with me from this funeral:

Church home and family are important. Over the last year, we have not been actively involved in a church and we have not really stayed in touch with people we called friends, at the one we left. I have really been feeling a void there lately. It left me wondering what we would do in difficult times without our "family". Now I am more convinced than ever that we NEED that family to support us in good times and bad and to be available to support them as well. We would get by without them, but it is so much easier with their love and support.

You must let your family know you love them. Sure you have to discipline your kids. Sure you can joke around with them. But it is vital for them to know you love them and are proud of them. They must be able to know when you are serious and when you are playing around. You can't let them think you are never serious because they will push too far and not respond to correction for thinking you are still teasing. Lots of hugs and warmth are imperative. Being involved in their lives is a must. Kids especially tend to think you don't care if you don't watch them accomplish and succeed.

The bond of friendship is seldom easy, but worth it. It's so hard to invite people over with the house a mess. It's even harder to get and invitation to someone else's home when you have lots of kids. So bite the bullet and clean house so company can come over. And do it LOTS of times. That's how friendships are formed-time with the people you want to be friends with. So just DO it.

Life doesn't have to be boring. All work and no play really do make for a dull existence. Go play and take family and friends with you.

Most importantly...God should be the center of our lives. If God is the center and we are grateful for what we have, and we always let people know this, people will not grieve for us when we are gone. Miss us? Yes. But grieve? Na, they will KNOW where we are.

Thank You, God, for my many blessings. Thank You for my family and the love that exists in my home. Thank You for our health and for security. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!!

US Bank, First Tennessee and a question

2009-02-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Yes this blog is going to be random for a while. Sorting things out means pulling out the junk and going through it all. So nothing deep or profound for a while. I need to chill a bit first.

It's things like this that have me so frazzled:

We were with this one bank. A large, don't-know-who-you-are-cause-your-just-a-number bank (cou-us-gh cou-bank-gh)and they charged us overdraft fees on a whole bunch of small overages after taking one large one. They could have paid the small ones first and only charged us for the one large one (one $39 fee as opposed to many). This led to months of constantly being over and being charges only to set us back even more. (No kidding this probably cost us close to a thousand dollars) When questioned about this tactic, they said it was a "customer service" so that if the large one were your mortgage, it would be paid on time. Excuse me, you're paying ALL of them and just charging me like you weren't. So what difference does it make if you pay one or the other first? Never mind that when you charge me multiple overdraft fees, you kill me financially so that I can never get on my feet again. Oh hell, I want the world to know. It was US BANK. The final straw was when they did it to my son for a measly 3 bucks. He was at school in East Tennessee and his mail is forwarded. It was 10 days before he found out about it and they charged him a freaking $9 a day on top of the $39 fee! Would not do a thing to help him. So we closed ALL of our accounts.

We then moved to First Tennessee. Now they have been real good to us except for one thing. Their bill pay sucks. When I first tried it, they took the money from your account as soon as you scheduled your payment. So I can't schedule a week out due to the fact that my money may not be in there until the day before! UGH! I get late payment fees cause I have to wait till I have money to schedule the payments, but it takes five days to pay. Okay after a year of licking my wounds from that one, I try again. It says to schedule five days out. So I schedule on a Friday to pay the next Friday with a due date on the following Tues. The money won't be there until the Friday on which I am scheduling the payment, but deposits are supposed to post before the payments right? Well, the money was withdrawn on the correct Friday, the deposit posted after the fact resulting in overdraft fees (this time only $10 each) and the payments were posted FIVE DAYS AFTER THE MONEY WAS WITHDRAWN resulting in another $39 each in late fees. After questioning this, they did refund the overdraft fees, but said their rules clearly stated to schedule payments five days out and they would NOT do anything about them. So I figure they are simply mailing my payments. I could mail my own and get them there on time without having money drawn from my account before the check arrives. They aren't helping me with anything but postage this way and if I am getting late fees everytime, they are way negating that. So I pose this question to anyone who will answer:

Do I change banks again? Or should I give them another chance? I mean, they are all out to screw you right? This is life from paycheck to paycheck. Anybody know of any banks that are fair?

I am forwarding this post to First Tennessee. I'll post whatever they reply. I am so sick of banks running the show. I still want to be fair with them, but USBank had all the time and opportunity to make things right. Stay as far away from them as you can.

On Octomom

2009-02-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

My personal opinion? She messed up. But come on folks. Nobody has a cow about the welfare mom who keeps popping out kids just to get a bigger check so shut up and deal. At least this woman is having kids cause she loves kids. I have actually heard welfare moms say they needed to have another kid so they could get enough money to get a new car. If you aren't going to do anything about them, then leave this woman alone as well. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I hear even conservative talk shows talking about taking away this woman's babies and reporting her to child protection agencies. Hellooooooo, it ain't any of your business!

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

The Devil Made Me Do It.

2009-02-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

I'm going about my business and realize I'm eating something I know I shouldn't. Didn't even think about whether or not to pick it up. Didn't even think about taking that first bite, but here I am three fourths the way through it and I'm going to regret it later. Was it habit? Impulse? Instinct? What in the world made me do it???? I mean, I might as well have been on auto mode cause I barely remembered picking it up, much less the initial thought to do so.

So, I'm going about my business and realize that I'm thinking these thoughts that I know I shouldn't. Don't even recall what it was that got me on this train of thought. Not sure why I'm even thinking such a thing. I mean the person I'm thinking about is a friend and doesn't deserve those kinds of thoughts. I know that thinking this will only make me angry and miserable. I don't even have anything to base it on. But here I am in a full blown fantasy about getting back at the person. When did I even start thinking about that person? What on earth difference does it make if those thoughts are true or not? Why am I giving time to this AT ALL?

I heard something today. "Recognize your enemy." Yeah. I let him in without even thinking about it. Gotta start working on that.

Random gems is about to become more random

2009-02-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not even going to begin to catch up. All I will say about the last year and a half is that I haven't had a cohesive train of thought in all that time. Who can write when they can't think? But lately, those little snippets of thought that sound literary have been making random appearances in my thoughts again and I need a place to store them. So until they start making sense again, my arbitrary thoughts will be placed here. Perhaps a pattern will develop and I will find myself in them.

That being said...

my mind has gone blank.

Beloved

2007-10-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

Lara grew up in a home that was broken. She could remember the night that her father told her mother he wanted a divorce. At the age of 9, she didn't know that's what was being said at the time, but she understood enough that it was a significant night that she remembered it in vivid detail. So her father left and remarried leaving her and her mother to fend for themselves. Between alternately hating her father so much that she wanted nothing to do with him, and loving him so much she frightened him away, Lora grew up without her dad. He had another family complete with a daughter the same age as her. But Lara's mother was good to teach her about the love of a heavenly Father and in Him she found solace and peace.

As a teenager, men were a mystery to her. She had a good head on her shoulders, loved Jesus and had committed her life and future to His will, till the mystery of men prevailed. One young man, wrapped her around his finger and unwound her ideals. He promised to love her is she would only give him what she wanted.

It all happened so fast. In one evening, she lost her virginity, her faith, and her love. At first she cried and pleaded to the boy, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. Self hatred and rebellion took over and she soon found what she thought had been ripped away could be had in the arms of another and another and another.... Each time, hope was built and crushed. She quickly learned not to trust men, but became fast addicted to the emotional rush of sex. Lara had been conquered, but she quickly learned to be the conquerer.

Lara spent the last year of high school pregnant. At the end of her senior year, she gave up her daughter to another couple who was unable to have children just in time for graduation. Still the hunger was there for the love of a man and love was by then equated with sex. All through college the hunger drove her. But still she remembered the perfect love that only Jesus could give. She yearned for it, but could no longer ignore the fleshly desires that were raging in her.

Lara had another child, married, divorced, and returned to the habit of feeding the hunger. After years of this, death was becomming a beckoning lover. Thoughts of a suicidal escape were weighing heavily on her. Remembering her First Love, she began to earnestly seek God and plead with Him for a way out. He began to pull her heartstrings and put people in her path to remind her of His love and to point the way. Finally committing to His love once again, she embraced the life she had left before, one of following God's will.

Now Lara new that there would be no earthly love for her. She had a daughter and a sordid past. No Godly man would want her, she would have no other. She resigned herself to seeking Jesus to be a husband to her. But Jesus in his infinite mercy, sent her heart's desire-a man who REALLY loved her. In their human way, they didn't go about it ALL right, but they realized that God had brought them together and married.

Years and five children later, Lara and her love lived the perfect life. Lara was fully active in church and homeschool, while her husband worked and went to school. Lara felt complete. She knew Jesus on an intimate level and loved Him deeply. Her past life haunted her and she never felt good enough for her husband, but she KNEW grace and mercy and was grateful for it.

This was her idyllic life for nearly 10 years. Then, one day, on the computer in a Christian chat room, the hunger was awakened. She began to realize how much her husband was away. She was lonely for him, and here was another man, though on the computer, available to her, talking to her, emotionally drawing her. The computer man realizing that he was doing wrong, went away. It was no longer enough. Lara had to find another, but in Christian chat rooms, they weren't readily available. So Lara began to go into adult chat rooms. Finding all the attention she could ever want, as long as she talked dirty to them, she was hooked. Chat rooms turned to private messaging, and talk of sex turned to pictures of sex. Lara had a new addiction. Men would show her pictures and tell her that's what they wanted to do with her. She could easily place herself in the image. The image itself was not important. It was the imagery in her mind of recieving that kind of attention that fed her hunger. Words would have done the same, but images were a quicker high.

Lara found herself connected to one man in particular over and over again and eventually exclusively. He feeded her high with the most determination. She went to him like a druggie goes to a dealer and he never let her down. He always had a new high for her. When "playboy" wasn't good enough anymore, he gave her "Penthouse". With each numbing of the senses, he knew just what would make her high again without shocking her to the point of waking her from her porn induced stupor. She felt like she was caught in a downward spiral, being sucked into an ever darkening, looming pit. When Lara was on the computer, she was lost in world of flesh. When she was off the computer, she was struggling with right and wrong. She would go for walks to think and end up running as if she could get away from her thoughts. Her kids practically fended for themselves. She put them back into school beacuse she could no longer focus on anything besides the addiction. She began to drop her kids off at church so she could run home and nurse her high. Friends could see there was something different, that she was acting odd. Lara's mind was always back at the computer even when she was away. Her conversations were stunted and she was forgetful.

She told no one what she was doing. No one. Who could she tell? Who would not turn away in disgust? She knew she had a problem, but in the beginning days of the internet,who knew a woman could be addicted to pornography? Who would not see that as sick and depraved?

By the time plans were made to meet the computer man, she had already sunken into depravity. There was nothing left that was off limits, no taboo had been left unexplored and to top it off, Lara had discovered that this man would kill her in order to satisfy his own hunger. This thought did not even frighten her. She welcomed it. She even goaded him. "I only ask that you let me be found and that I be found decent" she told him. She didn't want her family to keep worrying about her, but it would end the insatiable hunger that she now knew could NEVER be satisfied. All the while, while being unable to stop it herself, feeling driven to do what she knew she should not do, she would pray "God get me out of this"

The week before she was to meet the computer man. She tried to clean up the messages on her computer as she always did after talking to him about all the taboos they were about to break, but she could not access the log. She tried every day so that her husband would not find what she had said or the pictures she had seen. After the 3rd day, of not being able to delete her logs, she was worried, but figured that the things said were so indecent, her husband would question her if he had seen them. The night before she was to meet the man, she logged off and tried to delete the days messages again. It frustrated her, but she had tomorrow to look forward to...and worry about.

As she headed toward her bedroom to get some sleep, Lara could not shake the thought that she would be the next rape/torture/murder headline by the end of the week. The thought made her shudder, yet was somehow comforting. Even as she thought it, she knew that the comfort was a horrible thing to feel. "God get me out of this.!"

She climbed into bed and all was quiet except for her thoughts. After a few minutes, Lara's husband turned over and whispered, "I know what you're planning to do. I found your messages and...I was shocked" and with those words, Lara's mind exploded into a million different thought processes in an effort to come up with a reply. As different excused screamed through her brain she wanted to seethe "I don't know what you're talking about!" But above the din of her racing mind she quietly heard a small voice, "you asked Me for a way out." All the other possible replies came to a screeching halt as Lara's mind embraced this voice. She was presented with a choice and as soon as she heard the words, the decision had been made-almost as if a light had come on with the words themselves. A rush of relief washed over her and she let out an audible sigh.

"I don't want to."

Tears and shame followed, even though she'd never physically been unfaithful, in her mind the acts were as vivid as if she had. There was no difference to her. The next few days, her husband also made a choice. He became her protector, her guardian, her savior, her Hosea. She fought the urge to contact the man and failed over and over again, but each time, her husband intervened and restored her. Still never a physical encounter, Lara carried the guilt just the same.

Eventually, her husband trusted her again even though it would be several years before she could finally say she deserved it. She had no one to turn to but God, for in the early days of the internet, there was no help for a woman with the kinds of addictions Lara had. But turn to God she did, and even though she fell over and over again, She overcame and once again enjoyed the love of her husband. Now Lara, understands grace and has compassion for any who are in bondage to sin and addiction.

Through it all, Lara always felt that Jesus was trying to pull her back. She could even hear Him call to her, "My beloved". She knew his voice and tried to run and hide her face from it, much as Adam and Eve tried to do. Still she would hear Him call, "come away, My beloved. She wanted to "come", yet always felt drawn, pulled, even bound to the sin. She would cry out Paul's words, "why do I do the things I don't want to do and not do the things I WANT to do?"

Lara is God's creation, His work, His love, and He understands all she has endured and submitted herself to. He loved her through it all and though there will be many who will never understand, and may never forgive, she is still His beloved.

Rain

2007-10-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

It just rained. For about 5 seconds. I can count on one hand how many measurable rainfalls we have had since July 1st. Exactly 2. Now in Tennessee, we have water. Lakes, rivers, creeks, just about everywhere you go there is a body of water. In the summer here, it's nothing for the humidity to be at 90-something percent. On top of that, we often push or exceed the 100 degree mark for a few days. And it rains and storms at least once a week, often violently.

This year we had next to nothing humidity and 104-110 degree weather for nearly a month. Here it is Oct. and we are still reaching nearly 90 degrees, and the humidity is creeping back up. So it is still hot, Hot, HOT! This was the driest, hottest summer on record and it has been very disconcerting.

I do believe in Global Warming, but not as the Al Gore's (who claims Tennessee as his home, but honestly never really lived here till after he LOST the election. Let's just say that Tennessee never claimed HIM. He lost in his own state. If I'm not mistaken, that's the first time that's ever happened. Feel free to correct me if you must.)of the world believe in it.

God never promised us that the earth would last, in fact, he did just the opposite and guaranteed us that the world would deteriorate. Matthew 24:7, Mark 13:8, and Luke 21:11 all make mention of famines in the end days. Revelation can leave you feeling that the world will turn itself inside out (my translation) in the last days. It WILL happen. Whether humans cause this chain of events or not doesn't make any difference. God was the One who set it all into motion. Perhaps our use of fossil fuels was God's plan to bring it about. I don't know. I am not going to advocate being a bad steward for what we have been given, but you have to use common sense with the issue as well. It would take a catastrophic event to back things up to the point where we aren't using cars and leaving as big a carbon footprint as we do now, any longer. I don't hold my breath for that, but it's not going to surprise me if it happens. I keep hearing the song "It's the end of the world as we know it" growing louder and louder. If the thought of this frightens you...comment me. I can hook you up with Someone who will comfort you.

It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

Life and such

2007-09-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

I miss my blog. I miss my blog buddies. But I'm a working girl now and just don't have as much time for it all. So I thought as a journal/let anyone know who cares entry, I would list all that I am trying to keep up with at this point in my life. If you are one of the "anyone who cares" group. E-mail me and let me know what's going on in your life. joy at meadefamily dot us. Of course replace the "at" and the "dot" with the symbols. :-)

My Life as of Sept. 2007:
Working full time while employed "part time" at THD
Homeschooling 2 of my 5 children
still hostessing scrapbook night at church once a month
about to start a new camera club at church
shooting video every Sunday morning that I can at church
pushing a very toddling photography business to its feet
keeping house (HA!)
keeping up with laundry (oh shoot, I forgot to start a load this morning!)
Missing my 3 older kids who I don't get to see much anymore
getting ready to move my mother, possibly into my house

That's all I can think of right now, I gotta go start that load of laundry!
Love ya'll!

Now this is a Super Sweet Sixteen

2007-07-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

And I had lots of friends help so it didn't cost the thousands of dollars like those one on MTV's "My Super Sweet 16". But this is a huge reason why I have been so silent lately. Her birthday is really on the 31st, but we had the party last night. Lots of dancing. Lots of music. So much fun! We had several of the guests tell us it was the best birthday party they'd ever been to. I thought sure the "semi-formal" tag on the invitation would slow the attendance, but everybody really got into shopping for their clothes and there were so many good sales on party dresses. A couple of the girls said they got their dresses for $8! The prom dress my daughter wore was on $60! Everyone had a great time and I didn't cry. I thought I would. She really was beautiful though.

Dry

2007-07-15T02:34:00.000-07:00

This year is dry in more ways than just the weather. I am dry. In my writing, my photography, my spiritual life...I just feel dehydrated.

I think a large part of it is that while God moved so strongly in me last year. I grew so fast and I think in some ways I was over exuberant. I wondered if I did something to blackball myself, but in some very exciting places that I was figuring I would get involved, I ended up feeling like I got the cold shoulder.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep tonight thinking about it all. It's so late that I'm not sure I could possibly organize my thoughts enough to make sense. All the passion I had last year is gone and I wonder if I didn't over do. I try not to place blame, but the only thing I can think of that I may have done...it's embarassing, but I wonder if in my exuberance, I made an ass of myself. I honestly don't know.

All I know is that an organization that I had hoped to get fully involved with had welcomed me with open arms, but later started dropping me off e-mail newsletters and announcements, stopped calling, even put me off after I did a mass mailing for them and offered to do it the next time. They would say, "we'll call you" and never did. I don't think I did anything wrong. No one indicated that I had done anything wrong, but the last few times I was around I had the feeling that I was on the outside. Like everyond else knew what was going on. Eventually I didn't hear from any of them anymore.

I also had thought that another opportunity was opening up closer to home-more with my home church, but I felt like the thought there was that they didn't want to single out any individual issue, but rather address ALL needs collectively. I just don't know. Why did God lead me where He did and light such a fire in me just to have it doused?

I have moved on, but still I wonder. Moving on has meant that basically, I do nothing. I help out at church, but the passion for it isn't there. I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but I don't have a desire to do anything.

Dry, parched, desert-like. I don't feel that I am far from God or even stagnant for that matter. I just feel dried up and withering like my plants outside.

Speaking of my plants, we need rain bad. I've never seen it go so long without rain in Tennessee and I've lived here all my life. I need rain in my life too. I seem to recall an old chorus that went:

Send down the rain, Lord!
Send down the rain, Lord!
Send down the latter rain!

As a young mom, I remember the fire and passion I had for being a wife and mom. My children are nearly grown now and I seem to have lost what my life was about. I am detached from life. I sleep through life. Maybe it's the diabetes talking, but truthfully, I would rather life end now that live it like this. No quality, No attachment. Dry. Truly this is a late night rant. I will feel better in the morning. But do pray for rain. Both physical and spiritual.

Know that you aren't raising boys, your raising men.

2007-07-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

18 years ago, I had the easiest of all of my births, but began the toughest job of my life. My oldest son was born and I began to raise a man.

I think one of the most profound of God's creation is a man. If you watch them closely, you can see that under their tough exterior is a little boy that wants love and affection and likes to play, but when it comes to having to make a stand to protect what he holds dear, he will fight to the death to do so. He can be fearful of many things and yet shove it aside to do what needs to be done. He can be oh so tender, yet put all emotion aside to get the job done. Yes, women bash men alot, I am so guilty myself, but let me remind you that you bash the very thing that little boy will become...and what God says was made in His image. Keep the latter in mind when dealing with that young boy in your care.

This slide show was meant to be funny and a little embarrassing for my son, but truthfully, I get misty-eyed over it because this little stinker in these pictures is now 6'1" and 228 lbs. Yeah, I miss him being small enough to hold. But I miss even more, him wanting to be held.

As graceful as any ballerina

2007-07-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

and as fierce as any boy. There is no question what her passion is. I love the look of concentration, the way every facial muscle is focused on the effort. It takes 1/7 of a second for her to make that full windmill. Already she has accomplished way more than I.

God Does Restore the Years...

2007-06-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am part of the MTV generation. I wanted nothing more than to make music videos. I started out in film at MTSU. The enrollment in the department was down so dramatically that they dropped the whole dept. So I switch to television. I "fall in love" (HA). I leave MTSU to go to a community college closer to home where "he" was. They have a television major, but it is an associates degree instead of the bachelor's that I started out working on. I get married and pregnant (not necessarily in that order). I take a break. I have my oldest. I get divorced. I go back to school. I do an internship with the Crook and Chase show with only aobut 10 hours left to get my degree. I discover that it's who you know and I don't know anybody. I also discover I have lost my "edge" to pursue those vital "knowings" since Meggie was born. I quit. Dream shoved somewhere deep in a diaper bag.

Tonight. Tonight, I made a music video. I got to run a camera for a production crew doing a dance video. So much fun! The easiest money I ever made! And the most satisfying. Thank You, God for that opportunity. It was so much fun!!!! Thank You, thank You, thank You!

Wednesday Night, Starbucks, San Antonio, and Sarah:-)

2007-06-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I got to meet my first blog buddy, Sarah. You can read more about her by clicking on her link in my blogroll.
I had a GREAT time, Sarah! [WAVES]

Playing on the beach

2007-05-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

These are my contributions to the fun. The horse was my tribute to Barbaro since it was almost a year to the day when he won the Kentucky Derby.

Arrival in Florida

2007-05-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

These were taken right after we got tents set up and just before the storm rolled in that soaked everything IN the tents. Yeah, we slept in wet beds that night, with LOTS of sand. But I think these beach grays are Julia's colors. Check out those eyes!

camping in Florida

2007-05-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Can you tell how wet everything was after the downpour we had? Sand was sticking to EVERYthing.

Our gator

2007-05-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

He was just resting beside the water.

We were really only about 10 ft from him, but it looks farther here.

!...and he yawned.

Obviously we weren't bothering him.

Panama City Beach at night

2007-05-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

From the Beach at St. Andrews Park. The beach was completely empty with a bright moon overhead and lightning in the distance. A little frightening for a woman alone with 2 kids, but awesomely inspiring as well.

This was the bay side looking toward the port of Panama City. The limb looked a little like a creepy hand in the water.

Showing

2007-05-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

Get Ready

Grace

Gratitude

Photo shoot

2007-05-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is my daughter and her friend.

My daughter is about to turn 16 and we are wanting to throw her a party with Tiffany blue, silver and pearl white for the colors. Anyone know where we can find Tiffany blue balloons?

The benefits of living in Nashville

2007-05-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write a blog with this title for some time, but I honestly think this could be a series of posts rather than a single post. If you are a music lover, hold on to your hat.

We have some of the BEST, I mean the ABSOLUTE BEST music here. If it isn't native to here, we ship it in. But there is an awful lot of native. Which is the subject of an entire post in itself.

But for now I want to tell you about two things in particular: The Ryman auditorium and the concert I saw there last night.

The Ryman...wow, where to start. It's truly a legend in itself. It was built in 1892 as a church! It was called the Union Gospel Tabernacle and it seated less than 3800 people. With the addition of the Confederate Gallery (balcony) in 1897 its capacity was increased to 6000. Shortly after Captain Ryman (the man who had it built) died, it was renamed in his honor and became the venue for many lectures and shows throughout the years. In the 1940's, the Grand Old Opry moved in and made the Ryman its home. There it remained till 1974 when the Opry moved to its new home-the Grand Old Opry House where it remains to this day. I remember hearing talk of the Ryman when I was young and how it had fallen into disrepair and the subsequent renovations that took many years.

Today it is beautiful and it remains a wonder. Even with the addition of the balcony, there is NO bad seat in the auditorium. It is said to have the second best acoustics in the world, surpassed only by the concert hall that is home to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir! Absolutely, any concert you attend there will astound you at the amazing quality of the sound anywhere you stand.

The Ryman is, for the music lover, a jewel venue. And last night, my wonderful oldest child, Megan, took me there for the Seal concert. This was my mother's day gift. Now I love his voice no matter what, but WOW. I don't have words. It was amazing. Top it off with time alone with my oldest daughter, a few reminiscent moments (like realizing that my baby was driving ME around downtown Nashville and learning that she likes the same music I liked when I was young and free of responsibility much like her). I mean if riding around downtown with the windows down and Kansas blaring out of your speakers doesn't bring back memories, then you haven't lived! We enjoyed a glass of wine at Olive Garden TOGETHER (before you teetotalers have a fit, one thing my daughter and I do have in common is a love for good food and good wine. But we both partake in MODERATION) along with that sinful black tie cheesecake and afterwards went to the Starbucks on West End and had a cup of coffee on the patio. We had a WONDERFUL evening. (Megan, I had a really GREAT time, thank you!)

We also discovered a new artist we like. Shane Alexander.

Now, this is a shameless plug for this guy, but before you blow rasberries at me, let me tell you this. I have grown up in the Nashville area. Spent my life here. I've been around "stars" and wannabe stars ALL MY LIFE. (That could be another blog post about the benefits of living in Nashville. The ability to get to see performers who are just starting out has some wonderful benefits, but occasionally you run into some that when they say they are musicians, you just nod your head and go "okaaaaayyyy".) I DO NOT get gaga over famous people.

Heck, Johnny Cash came into the store where my Daddy worked all the time. Johnny and Barbara Mandrell were "members" of the churches I went to although you didn't see them there very often. (yes, we live in the same town where Johnny Cash lived) My son fished off Lorrie Morgan's deck. Roy Acuff used to go for a walk in the mall in the mornings before it got crowded. Dottie West gave me a starburst. Louise Mandrell got mad at me. I worked at the Crook and Chase show in the late 80's as an intern. Heck, I even got asked for my autograph just because I worked with Lorianne Crook and Charlie Chase! I've seen how people get crazy over anyone famous. I've seen stars make a**es of themselves. I have no desire to fawn over them. If you think for one second how these people have to smile and be nice to people who really do look and sound crazy, you want to avoid appearing like that at all costs. Especially when you have to live around them and deal with them on a daily basis. Besides, I have found that while some of them were genuinely very nice, most are so fake, I really don't want to find out that the ones I do like are the fake ones.

But this guy, Shane Alexander was really good. So I went up and told him, "Hey, I really like your stuff". He thanked me and I made way for the rush of gushers. I don't do that...ever. I just don't think the push through the crowd is worth it to make myself look just like them to a person who is probably already thinking, "these people are nuts!" while wearing a plastered smile. I don't blame them a bit. I really, really, like this guy's music. Go take a listen.

So
Benefit #1: One of the best music venues in the world-The Ryman.
Benefit #2: Getting to see great concerts ANY time-on any given night there is music being played SOMEwhere in Nashville.
Benefit #3: Getting to hear up and coming talent before most everyone else and
Benefit #4: Sometimes, A LOT of times, for free! (the original reason I wanted to write a blog by this title) But not last night.;-)

Catching up

2007-05-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hey out there!

Here is a rundown of what has been going on at the Meade house for the last month.

Amanda's Horse Show-she got one sixth place ribbon out of 10 classes. She did great, but the judges didn't like Kody-he's a little rough looking and she doesn' get a choice in what horse she rides.

Trip to south Alabama/Florida to see family and camp one really wet night on the beach. We brought home half of it in our tent and sleeping bags. But after the storm rolled out, the sky was perfectly clear above us so we went to the beach to look at the stars and watch the rest of the lightning in the distance. Me and my two youngest were the only ones on the beach and we were at St. Andrews. No city lights, but the moon was brilliant and the white sand simply glowed! Absolutely beautiful and majestic. What an incredibly AWESOME God we serve!

Softball season begins again, full swing and now hubby, tired of the politics of the city league is venturing out to start his own tourney team. I don't want to brag, but he is absolutely the BEST coach. The girls all love him and want to be on his team. He has never had any trouble getting parents to help because he is so good with people. This is definately his gifting.

Trip to Huntsville, Alabama to see my 55 YEAR OLD sister graduate from nursing school!!!!! She is a widow and a mother of 6 and SHE DID IT! I am so proud of her! Yes, B, I did tell you age...AGAIN!!!!

Two scrapbook nights at our church that I hostess. I love these times with the ladies and we are really growing! I don't spend as much time preparing for these monthly scrap nights as I would like so I often end up just visiting and helping rather than getting anything done myself. But I love it anyway.

Finally nailing down plans for the road trip I am going on to Austin/San Antonio, Texas the first week of June with my newly graduated sister and our mother. I plan to get to meet blogging buddies for the first time while there. YAAAAAYYYY!!

And last but not least-cramming in as much homeschooling as possible so I can have the kids ready to go back to school next year. Be praying for us. I desperately want to continue until they are ready for high school, but financially I don't think I can continue to expect my husband to bear all of that burden alone any longer. He has to put in so many hours that he can't feasibly take on a second job and we can't afford to go through another cold season/Christmas without more income. Pray that he will find favor with the powers that be at his work and they will finally compensate him for all the extra time he gives them. Salaried positions....I won't say it. I'm sure you know.

Thanks for reading this! Hope it's not another month before I post again. No I plan to post some pics from the last month so it shouldn't be.

How NOT to ride a horse

2007-04-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is my 15 year old daughter and Kody the mustang. It happened a week ago, but I needed to show it to lead into another post. For the record, I did NOT take these. If I had been there, my camera would be in a thousand pieces as I drop it and run to beat a horse! I don't know who the photographer was, but thank you whoever you are for sharing these! Anyway, the horse decided he wanted to go back to the barn and bolted as she was coming out of a jump. She was fine-didn't even bruise, but was a little sore the next day.

A love for people

2007-04-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

Being a Southerner, there are a few things I do when relating to other people that I don't like. One is that I develop opinions about people pretty quick. The other is that I won't tell a person to their face when something about them bothers me. I'm not prone to go talk about them behind their back, but I will instead hold it in a let it fester. You would think that over the years I would have learned my lesson that this is often merely a "PERCIEVED" something that is gettng under my skin, rather than a "REAL" something.

I am not a person who dislikes other people, however there are a few that I absolutely dislike. Usually this dislike stems from a "percieved" arrogance on the part of the other person that turns out to be a "real" arrogance that causes my stomach to turn. I just have a really hard time with people who think they are "all that". Now this is where the "South" comes out in me. I do usually tell my husband when I don't like somebody. Not when I am just aggravated with them, but when I really don't like them. I feel bad telling even him this. I know I am supposed to love the other person. It turns out that in the last year, I have run into rather a few of these types and I feel like I am just an opinionated b**** for feeling this way. I have been praying that God would let me see these people through His eyes.

Know what He did? Instead of continuing to see these people and getting angry over their actions, I thought He would let me see through their facade and see what really makes them tick. No, what He did instead was turn my head to see others. For the last couple of days, I have been literally grieving over people who hurt. It has most definately taken the focus off the attitude that was growing in me.

What is astounding me more than the direction this is taking, is that I am seeing that EVERY human has something they ache for or over. We were all raised by imperfect parents, have had dealings with imperfect friends and coworkers, been disciplined by imperfect human authority, and we all have the scars to show for it. I know we all get caught up in our own hurts. To us they are overwhelming and need to be fixed. If there is one thing I have learned in this last year (and this truly has been a LEARNING year for me) is that THE best way to heal our own hurts, is to pour ourselves into other's hurts.

Basically,...SERVE.

I am normally a person that will do for others and do for others, but not really with a sense of serving them so much as like a duty...a job that has to be done. But it really does have a healing quality about it when service is done, even with only an attempt to really care for the one(s) served.

Alot of this introspect has come from a power struggle situation that I myself was being caught up in. I didn't like it, but I could see how wanting to hold onto a certain position was luring me. Then God said "It's not about you, Joy", and started giving me the ability to step back from the situation and see how I was really cutting my own throat by not grooming someone else to help me with the position as well as how it would hurt others who may want to try it. I don't think I can change the minds of the others involved, but maybe I can set the example.

It often seems that the most hurt are the most angry, hateful, and demanding. Don't we all, from time to time, react to pain in ways that can seem harsh to others? It's the old fight or flight mentality.

I'm not the most understanding person. When someone cuts in front of me in the Wal-Mart pharmacy line, I just about want to chew them up and spit them out, but when the cashier is in a bad mood, I now start wondering what happened to her earlier that day that has her so frustrated. I'm sure I will always have times that I get angry, but I am going to continue to ask God to let me see others as He sees them.

In the meantime, did you know that a true Southern Belle can get away with gossip? All she has to do is follow it with "Ah'll pray for theyum." And she can also get away with insulting anyone. All she has to do is follow it with "Bless yore haaahhht"!!!!

OPR the Movie

2007-04-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

I got involved with this organization last year when the tornado went through here. I am so impressed with the whole organization and what they do! Check them out at OperationPhotoRescue.com

Administration and a Bit of Irony

2007-04-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have been working on cleaning up my blog this morning. The last time I changed my template, I lost everything. I lost my blogroll, I lost my daily scripture, I lost my blogring code...all gone and needing to be fixed. Well, I've barely had time to post anything in the last few months, much less do the much needed administration and maintanance that has been needed.

So I am slowly working on adding things back. Bear with me while I am under construction. I want to do a bit of HTML work on this eventually. It's not hard to do. I just find it tedious and boring.

Now for the Irony. I am a photographer, who absolutely HATES to be photographed. I tell people all the time to see the beauty in themselves and I can't even do it myself. Stupid? Yes, I know.

Indescribable!

2007-04-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

The Most Beautiful Thing in the World

2007-03-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

**I'm not sure about the ethics of this post. Posting some one's image without permission is normally frowned upon. But you know how we women are. If I asked, they would most definitely say "NO". So at the risk of getting in trouble, I am posting these WITHOUT permission realizing I may have to remove them later on, but I want to make a point and to do so means not telling these ladies right away. Rest assured ladies, my blog has only a few readers so you won't really be seen by many other than yourselves...when I tell you. At the very bottom of this post is a link where you can go to see the rest of the pictures. Also be sure to scroll on down. There are 3 posts in all cause I can't post more than 4 at a time.**

As a photographer, I have grown used to women, when they first see their pictures, saying something along the lines of , "Ewww, I look AWFUL!" It ALWAYS happens in some form or another, it is usually emphatic, and it USED to hurt my feelings. But I have learned that we are our own worst critics and that only someone who is solidly confident in themselves, (which face it ladies, 99% of us are NOT), there eyes automatically zoom in on what they feel their worst trait is.

For this once, I want you to take a good look at yourselves and leave the self criticism behind. There is nothing more beautiful than what God created, than that creation in worship and adoration of the Creator. The look of peace and sometimes rapture comes over you, and of all the things I photograph, this has to be my favorite subject. I know that sometimes, the sound of my camera and the sight of me pointing my camera at you out of the corner of your eye, or even just the feeling that I am there with that dreaded camera, may interrupt your moment, but I try very hard not to be noticed. Sometimes it is inevitable, but it is certainly something I try to avoid. I don't have any desire to interrupt your communion with God. If I can only show you what I see.

Please look at these next three posts and ask your Father to show you what He sees. Imagine how you see your own children when they are loving and reaching out to you. On none of these pictures will you see stress or worry in your face. It is a resemblence of the Father in every face. The hands of the Potter molded ever crease, every line and He loves every one of them. Of course life and the consequences of our sinful world leave there effects there too, but the Potter sees even those imperfections as perfection. They are part of the one He loves.

Remember that the link for the rest is at the bottom of this post. But for now, see yourself as God sees you. Know that you are deeply loved.

You are beautiful beyond compare.

I have to add that you Northeast ladies are the most fun to hang with and I really misjudged my roomies! Sorry Mary, Linda, and Jewell. I was so afraid I was going to keep you guys up and make it hard for you with my rowdiness, but it was you guys who ended up pulling an all nighter with me! Go figure!!! It was a blast!

If you want to veiw the rest of the photos just click

Northeast Women's Retreat 2007

You can order them from Snapfish or Photoworks from that site or if you want to download a larger file for printing somewhere local, click here. You can download them onto your computer and either upload them somewhere like Kroger, Wal-mart, or Wolf to order your own prints, or you can put them on a disk and take them to the processor of your choice. (My personal preference locally is the Krogers by Ellis Middle School)Sorry about the group photo. My flash is a piece of junk and I can't afford to replace it just yet. Next year, we do the group pic on Sat. afternoon, while everyone is still there and we can do it outdoors.:-) Hope you enjoy the pictures.

True Beauty

2007-03-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

Real Beauty

2007-03-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

This will only let me upload four at a time so I will write about this in the group that will show up first.

Enjoying Spring

2007-03-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Mine
My niece's

Inspired

2007-03-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Inspiration is a good thing. Without it, which is what I have been lately, I can't seem to find anything that I want to take pictures of. Now this is not a good thing for a photographer.

My middle daughter pulled me out of my funk on Friday and Saturday and MADE me go take pictures of her and her friends. It seemed like it was going to be kind of a lackluster effort, but I did start to get into the swing of it and in spite of the lack of color in our little corner of the world, I think we got a few good shots. Needless to say, I was feeling prettly blah in spite of the few daffodils that were in bloom. I was very happy to have gotten the shots we did. You can see them here and here.

Well today, it was like the whole world started busting out. It stirred something in me and I took my camera for a walk. See if any of these get you in the mood for Spring. Hawthorne, Daffodil, Forsythia, Bradford Pear (even though mine did NOT bloom this year, it is the first GREEN besides the weeds this year.) and Hyacinth are just the few that I found nearby.

Maybe I will get an earlier start tomorrow and find more. I saw some flowering crabapple and Ann Magnolia blooming in some backyards as well! I feel like I have been let out of a cold gray box! This was a short winter for us, but it was a hard one for me for some reason. I was bored with it and ready for it to be over before it even began. It's going to really hurt this year if the weather turns cold again. And seeing that it's only March 13, it very well could do that. Oh yeah, I think I'm going to post some snaps of my youngest and my great nieces here as well. We sure enjoyed the warm weather today!

A warm life lesson.

2007-03-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

It got into the upper 70's today! Oh how wonderful that felt! We went on a field trip this morning and I drove home with the windows down in our van. I looked horrible when we got home, but it felt SOOOOO good!

This time of year tends to bring back a bit of the rebel in me. The memories that the smells, sounds and warm air tend to bring to mind are of a wilder less inhibited time in my life. One of the tamer of those memories are of skipping college classes to go to the lake to lay out. Part of me feels a bit of that youthful exhuberance, and part of me misses youth terribly.

The life lesson I have from that time of my life is a surprising one. I try to pass it to my kids with an urgency because youth is so short lived. This is it:

Life is too short to be too serious, but life is also too short to have regrets. So take the time to have fun while you are young, but make sure it is the kind of fun you can live with later on.

Spinning my wheels

2007-03-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

There is something about busy-ness that I enjoy. I do well with deadines, but I have to take them in spurts. I am not a person that can do 20 different projects and add more as I go. I can handle 2 or 3 at a time, but I have to take long breaks between spells of busy-ness. I enjoy it while it's going on, butI dry out spiritually during those times. I AM a project oriented person. I don't like mundane daily tasks. I like to have something new and big to work on...for a while. I am as happy as a bee on a daisy when I have 2-3 projects like that going...when there is an end in sight.

Well, I have the projects. I have loved doing them, but I am spiritually dry as a bone. I need some time to recharge. I can't tell you the last time I have been able to sink my teeth into the Word. I wasn't even missing it till I was listening to a friend tell me what God is doing in her life. Then I got jealous.

Oh, how I know I need to be taking time to be with God when the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. I HATE feeling jealous. But the truth is, that I have been so busy that I haven't allowed God to speak to me. I haven't had the time or energy to pursue our relationship. I hadn't even had the time to notice how long it's been or how badly I missed. it.

So today I am determined to pare down and start remembering who I am. Along with the jealously came the realization that I don't even think about spiritual things as readily as I used to. I find myself being less compassionate and thankful and I don't like that at all. I NEED some time. I NEED to be still. I NEED to know that He is God.

Dorthy

2007-02-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

I found out since my last post that old Dorthy died last winter. I was angry with her when we last parted. Needless to say, I am saddened by this news. Not really surprised, but saddened...and maybe a little bit guilt ridden that we didn't stay in touch.

I can't help but wonder about the time and distance that separate people when they part and never see each other again. It can be such a simple thing, yet so profound. We never know in this life, what impact that moment in time when our lives touch, makes.

Sneezin' and snottin' and doin' round.

2007-02-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

Imagine, if you can, a little old lady. She has skin that looks like the sun has nearly baked it clean off her face. Her short, curly hair, often not brushed, is mashed up on one side where she was sleeping on it. She honestly looks older than mud. Not to be disrespectful, I really had a soft spot for old Dortha. My kids called her Dorthy cause that's just how they heard it the first time she told us her name.

She had a raspy, old, smoker's voice with a southern drawl that went on forever. She called me "Jo" and she could never remember my husband's name either. She was drunk half the time and always had a cigarette hanging from her mouth. She would bring food over that even tasted like cigarette smoke cause she smoked so much in her house.

This was the one of our neighbors we have had over the years. I make her out to sound horrible, and in reality, she was, but we made nice most of the time and when she was sober, I really enjoyed her company. When she was drunk, she would lie and steal from her own kin. She certainly did from us. One time, she hollered across the street to my son who was probably only about 7 at the time "I wayer the same kiiiind of uhhhnderwayer as yooooooo! Loouuuk!" and proceeded to undo and lower her pants to reveal men's underwear!

It wasn't that we weren't grateful that she shared her food with us. She was always cooking up something and since it was just her, would have all kinds of leftovers. She wasn't dirty or anything, I trusted her food and she was a good cook, I even used some of her recipes, but if it had been in her house, it tasted like cigarettes. We just couldn't eat it.

She could be very sweet and I spent many hours sitting on her front porch with her, talking and watching all the neighborhood kids running up and down the street. I even took her out for her 80th birthday to a Mexican restaurant and had them put the big sombrero on her and sing to her. Oh she loved that. And boy did she flirt with the little Mexican boys who waited on us!

It was she who coined the phrase I used as the title for this post. Whenever she was sick with even the slightest sniffle, I would ask how she was and she would say, "oh aaahhhm just sneaaaazin' an snaahhtin' an doin' round." My kids would get so tickled at her use of the word "snot".

Well, Old Dorthy is the source of this Russell story. She called me over one day and regaled me with some heretofore unknown tales of the Russell. This is what she recounted to me.

Russell as we have established had a mischievous streak. Well, this tendency had begun to show itself in the form of torturing my cats. Now keep in mind, that Russell at the time of these stories was no more than five years old and a) those cats when stretched out, were longer than he was tall and b) cats are well able to defend themselves if they REALLY feel threatened.

Dorthy said that on several occasions she had seen Russell grab one cat or the other under the front arms and drag them, hind feet literally dragging between his legs as he tried to walk, to the street, wait for a car, and try to throw the squirming cat in front of the car. No alarm there. Due to the aforementions size difference and the resulting squirm, cats didn't go very far. But the thought of this little boy with his infamous, felonious grin, attempting to unsuccessfully throw a squirmy cat, left me finding it very hard to be serious about a potentially serious offense. I had to cover my mouth to keep him from seeing the smirk I was trying desperately to control.

Then Dorthy told me that Russell had also taken the cat next door where there was a 5 gallon bucket of water. He then proceeded to feed the cat into the bucket and hold it in the water. How he did it without getting clawed to shreds is beyond me, but again, there was little opportunity for harm considering there was more cat to put in the bucket than there was Russell to put it there. She said he then got tired of fighting the thing and used his foot to reach into the bucket and attempt to hold the cat. It was then that the cat escaped leaving Russell covered in water and giggling hysterically. My smirk was now a snicker.

Dorthy continued her story with her wonderment at how this cute, little, red-headed cherub could be so mean. She said in her down-to-earth, southern way that one day we had just come home from one of our family outings. We often went on excursions to Land Between the Lakes and took picnics. She said my husband was emptying the van and pulled out the cooler. It was full of ice water. He went to dump the water in the grass beside the driveway when he saw the cat lazing in the sun on the front porch. Dorthy said that same felonious grin crossed my husband's face and the entire cooler full of ice water was ceremoniously dumped on my nice, warm, sleeping cat. Dorthy said, "I knooo then where the boyyyy got it." My smirk? My snicker? I knew all too well of what my husband was capable of. He hates my cats. I laughed till I cried.

He came a courtin'

2007-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

It is exciting when your child reaches new milestones, but it can be frightening and even a bit sad as well. It was with this mixture of emotions as I watched the young man, who is smitten by my daughter, come bearing gifts this afternoon. He wanted to surprise her by having them here before she came home from school.

My youngest daughter and this boy's younger brother also have a "thing" going, but it's different in that the two of them shyly exchanged Valentine's candy through each other's siblings. It's cute, but for them it's just a crush. THIS to me, this was a bold declaration of this boys feelings for my daughter. He was not afraid to approach me about it. It's far different. More serious. Yet still respectful in that he could have avoided her father and I altogether and just given it to her.

We have known how they have felt about each other for some time, and of course, teased them mercilessly. But this was the first outward, open indication of those feelings.Our family does not encourage dating, but we do not lay down a hard fast rule not to either. We have a pretty convincing argument for NOT dating and so far they have all made the choice not to for themselves. We have always felt that if they chose to date, it would be by our rules and certainly not before they are 16. So far, they all have agreed with us that it is foolish to allow your heart to break needlessly and have chosen to keep it friendly, or like a courtship-family always present. This young man's family feels the same, so we are very happy with the maturity with which these two are handling their feelings. His parents helped him pick out his gifts and brought him over to deliver them. We are all very involved. It's sweet to actually get to be a part of it all when most parents are left to wonder what their kids are doing when they are out.

Still, it would be quite interesting if these two and the younger two managed to still like each other when the time comes to be thinking about spouses...! I could think of worse prospects!

Oh yeah, here's her reaction....

From Valentine's

Better than diamonds!

2007-02-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

It even looks a bit like a diamond doesn't it?

To put this into perspective, I have to tell you that we are a one income family of 7. There is not any real breathing room in our budget. I have been doing outdoor photography and selling stock photos for about 6 months to try to get my business rolling. My hope was to add equipment as my business grew. But the downside of doing outdoor photography is that when winter sets in, the biz dries up. I dreamed of having my own studio someday, but you know how you tend to temper dreams when the reality doesn't seem to be fleshing those dreams out.

Well, my husband worked an entire weekend during the holidays for a "bonus". We never were even for sure that this "bonus" would materialize or how much it would be. The powers-that-be in the company he works for, tend to "forget" about things like that. Hubby had been dreaming about a new computer that he, as a programmer, is really in desperate need for. The one he has is terribly outdated and slow for his needs. He estimated that he needed around $1500 to build his own system and was really hoping to put his "bonus" toward that. Again, we had no idea how much...or how little...the bonus would be.

I tried to talk him into waiting a little while longer and using whatever money it would be to help pay down debts. But I couldn't argue that he is pretty desperate to upgrade. So I agreed that he should use it for that.

Well, the bonus came today. It was about what we expected, but after taxes, it was going to be tight.

Hubby came home for lunch, kissed me, handed me a box and said "Happy Anniversary". Our anniversary was 2 weeks ago and we had agreed not to get each other anything because of the money situation. Inside the box was the first of a set of studio lights! He bought the whole set-up for me! Two lights, stands, and umbrellas! My daughter told me he had been planning this for weeks, but telling me he was going to get the computer.

I couldn't believe it! I couldn't say anything. I just started to cry. My husband sacrificed the computer he needs for MY dream! He believes in me more than I do myself. And I don't think he could have told me he loves me better if he had bought me diamonds!

Once again, My Love, you have so well illustrated the love of Christ to me. Thank you so much for believing in me and my dreams. I love you, honey!

A day late is better than never

2007-02-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

But the sun is out now and it's already melting at 10 am so it will probably not last the day. Got to go take more pictures!

So much for snow!

2007-02-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

After all the hype, all the news stories on how prepared TN is for snow, after all the "rush to the stores to buy milk and bread, everyone, this time's for real!", after the schools conveniently closed down for two days due to illness-just in time for the coming "snow", I woke up to a dusting at best! It was gone by 9 am!

I feel so cheated.:-P

Snow's Coming to Tennessee!

2007-01-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

Today is just a day
just like any other.
There are many more to come I think.
Do laundry? No don't bother.

Today is just a day
Few worries with the weather.
It's just too cold to stand beside my kitchen sink.
Better wrap up in a sweater!

Today is just a day.
By the fire is better.
There's a dirty sock, oh it must stink!
Nah, later it will be less wetter.

Today is just a day,
time I can just borrow.
I know I'll get it all done in a wink,
if I just wait till tomorrow.

Today is just a day.
It's cold, but with bright sun
But tomorrow with the kids at home...
won't doing those chores be FUN!

©2006

A Movie Recommendation

2007-01-27T14:23:00.000-08:00

This is by my favorite author, Francine Rivers. Her stories are absolutely awesome! It's a Christian story. Please support it! I think you will find it well worth it. Not to mention that when we support Christian movies, it paves the way for more. While Christian movies in the past have kind of left a little to be desired in quality, they just keep getting better all the time. If the movie industry sees that they have a market, they will put more money into them. This is a wonderful read too. If you get the chance, pick up the book at your local Christian book store (I believe in supporting them too.)

I AM SO EXCITED!

Check out the movie website.

This is more of a Megan story-but with Russell in it

2007-01-24T20:34:00.000-08:00

*Before I start this one, I want to officially post that Baby Joy is home and doing well. Thank you to those who prayed for her. Continue to keep the family in your prayers as the bills come due. Not sure what hospitals cost in the Congo, but they sure pack a wallop to the wallet here in the U.S.*

During those years, my husband was going to school and working a full time job in the evenings. Megan (almost 5), Russell (almost 2), and I spent alot of time home alone. I didn't mind. I loved the little house we lived in. It was an older home with a closet turned into a bath. So tiny, yet cozy, comfortable, and, with good neighbors nearby, it felt safe.

It was one of those evenings when my husband was at work. I was getting the kids ready for bed after supper. Megan having just had her bath and in fresh pajamas, was playing in the hallway next to the bathroom as I gave Russell his bath. Since I had a toddler in the tub and didn't want to leave him, I asked Megan to answer the phone when it rang.

Just a minute or two later she came back and resumed her playing like nothing had happened. I asked her about the call.

Now my son, Russell, is named after his dad. He is a "second". My husband, however, went by his middle name to everyone who knew him. All of his school and financial records have him listed as Russell. In his classes, they would call roll and use Russell. He used Russell on all his papers. Being an adult in a class with kids fresh out of high school, there wasn't alot of chuminess going on between him and his classmates. They all knew him as Russell.

So the conversation on the phone went something like this:

Megan-"Hello"

Classmate who missed the homework assignment and was calling to see if my husband had it-"May I speak to Russell?"

Megan-"Mommy's giving him a bath right now."

Urgent prayer request

2007-01-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote here, the other day, about my namesake, JOY-LOÏS KAJ A KEY born on January 12. She has come down with paludism or malaria. She has been very sick. Please pray for her and her family's ability to pay the hospital bills.

Here is the e-mail I recieved from her father yesterday.

"Let us return glory to God in any thing like us says his word.
How are you my sister?
About us, we are little well. My wife left maternity since Monday, but arrived the night the child had cried too much, and the morning, Tuesday we led her to the hospital (at the maternity), the temperature was of 39.50°c. After the care and the regulation of drugs by the doctor, we returned to the house, but the night again, the child always cried, and this morning, we decided to go in a great medical center of our town, and since 10h of the morning, she is hospitalized and was perfused. She has the paludism, because her mother suffered from it when she was pregnant.
Request for us beloved so that God can give us what it is necessary for us for the care, and that He promptly grants the cure to my beloved daughter and your namesake which I live to suffer while they bored the skin with a needle by the nurses who sought the nerves.
That my God blesses you sister, but let us has the faith, because God likes our good!
I return to the hospital, I left there to seek the money to pay. And I have some to benefit from it to write this mail to you.
I know that this news hurts you, but I exhort you to request for us, and God will listen to us. I will regularly keep you of the evolution at the hospital.

Yours Faithfully,
Jean-Luc KEY"

The Sacrificial Jeans

2007-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

*In the late summer of 1990, our little family was the family from the song "Front Porch Looking In" by Lonestar. We lived in a little house out in the country with farm land all around us. I loved that little house and sometimes miss those times when we were young and I was an idealistic mom who gardened, canned, hung my clothes on the line to dry, and even sewed! There was something sweet about that time in our lives. It was before all the crud I would go through later that made me basically miss my younger children growing up, much less do all those idealistic, craftsy, homey things I did back then. This story is mostly for me. I want to begin to write out the stories in my head because I am realizing that I am forgetting them. There was a long period of "insanity" (because for all intents and purposes, the things I did really were insane) that took place in my life between that innocent time and the present that has robbed me of many of my stories. It's time to stop procrastinating.*

I had just come home from Wal-Mart and put the bags on my bed. I pulled out the new pair of jeans I had bought for my husband and laid them on the bed so he would see them. Then grabbing the new boxes of dishwasher and laundry detergent, I headed into the other room to put them away.

My oldest daughter, Megan was 5 at the time and had rushed into the living room to watch Sesame Street. Russell, my barely-2-year-old, had occupied himself in front of the tv as well. He would often occupy himself beside his sister as she watched tv even though he wasn't the least bit interested. I took the opportunity of having them settled to start another load of laundry and bring the clothes from the line in.

Everything was quiet except for the sound of the TV and the birds singing outside the open dining room window. I was enjoying being able to fold clothes in peace without having Russell grab things while loudly declaring, "I elp". He would pretend to fold and then drop whatever he had "folded" in the floor to grab another item...or three. I was sitting by the window, humming, folding the clothes on the dining room table, while occasionally staring blissfully at the sunny field outside my window. Daydreaming really. I know. There is no excuse for that!

Somewhere, out of this fog, I realized that an awful lot of time had passed for a two-year-old to be quiet. I walked into the family room to find Megan, still staring blankly at Sesame Street and no Russell. "Where's your brother?" I asked tentatively. Without even looking up from the tv, Megan gave the standard "I dunno".

Now our house was too small for anything to have happened to him without my hearing it, but Russell DID have a penchant for quietly taking things apart. From the time he was old enough to crawl, his father's large collection of Christian tapes were his favorite targets. I can't tell you how many times we found him sitting in piles of unspooled tape getting ready to pull out another long section. We started putting the tapes in cases that locked and any that didn't fit, we kept on top of the stereo. It wasn't long before Russell learned to stack the cases, climb on them, pull himself up and get the unprotected tapes and this was all before he could walk. For some reason he was absolutely enthralled with the ribbon of tape. (See the pictures below)

I was headed down the hall to peek into the rooms to see where he was, when I heard him. He was in my room. When I stepped through the doorway, my jaw hit the floor and I just stood there with my mind trying to wrap around the scene before me.

Having found the Elmer's glue I had just bought, there he was on my bed. My little red-head was bouncing around in circles chanting "uuhuuhuuhuuh" with each bounce. He bounced one complete circle and stopped. Then he squeezed a long stream of glue onto the brand new jeans.

He caught sight of me, in my shocked state, in the doorway In an instant, he was off the bed, past me, and out the doorway, wearing an absolutely felonious grin. There lay my husband's new jeans-sacrificed on the alter of childhood.

*note* This is now known as the "Uuhuuhuuhuuh, Squiiiiirt" story around my house. It is my kids favorite one to tell and hear. The younger ones tell it like they were actually there and they weren't even born yet. "Sweet, little, innocent", redhead, Russell has been the source of MANY such stories. And every one contains the same felonious grin. It has never mattered much that Russell wasn't a bad kid, (Frustrating and mischievious, yes! Bad, no!) it was just that no matter WHAT he did, he always got CAUGHT! (everyone remembers the redhead, whether he was actually in on the act or not, if he was there, he was always pegged as the guilty one and the fact that he had a tendency to want to find out what would happen if he did ____fill in the blank___ didn't help) Oh yeah, Russell is now 17 and is still giving me stories like this to tell. In fact one of the reasons I'm telling this one and the next few, is to lead up to a more recent one that I want to tell. The pictures are of Russell getting caught about to pull tape and Russell standing on the tape cases. Notice the chin in the second picture!!!! Yes, he was a faaaaaat baby. He was about the same age as the second picture when the story above took place.

My blog was a year old this week!

2007-01-13T02:46:00.000-08:00

And I have been wondering what to write since I have been away from it for a couple of months. But I just recieved some beautiful news that I just have to share!

Last summer, my e-mail box seemed to have become "spammer's heaven" in that I recieved, on a daily basis, many e-mails with the "I am from a foreign country and need to hide money from the government so give me your account number" scam. I had gotten to the point where I barely looked at them before hitting "delete". There was this one that came, that caught my eye and I just happened to NOT delete it. While this man said he was from a foreign country, he did not say anything about money. I didn't answer right away, in fact, I wasn't going to. But something about that e-mail stayed with me. I read and re-read that e-mail trying to find where the catch was. I just couldn't find it. It sounded like an honest request for friendship from a brother in the Congo. Being ever skeptical, I posted this in a not-so-veiled attempt to speak in a code that would reveal little, yet seek out the sincerity. ( I would make a terrible secret agent!) I didn't want to be rude, but I had literally been inundated with the spam e-mails and wanted to be careful. I was open with my husband about it all since at that time there was the case of the woman near here who killed her youth-pastor husband after having succumbed to those same kinds of scams and gotten caught. (still not sure I understand why she had to kill him, but...???) I certainly didn't want to respond outside of my husband's council, but he didn't seem to have any misgivings either.

I never expected to recieve a reply to that post, but sure enough...the rest is history. Jean Luc Key and I have been e-mailing back and forth ever since. He has proved to be a friend and, oh, such a blessing. We have swapped pictures back and forth of our families and have held each other up in prayer for everything from bus fees for his daughter to go to school, to a crotchety old van that we needed to survive a long trip. During this time, his wife has been carrying his fourth child.

I got an e-mail from him just a few minutes ago that the baby was born yesterday, and they named her after me! Can you believe it! I was so thrilled and honored! My husband was with me as I read it and he and I both laughed for "Joy" and, well...I also shed tears, of course.

So it is with great honor and thankfulness to God-only He could have been the arranger of our meeting-that I announce the birth of JOY-LOÏS KAJ A KEY on Jan. 12th, 2007! Now I just have to learn to pronounce her name:-) Praise the Lord! I am so blessed by this.

Christmas Letter

2006-12-06T23:22:00.000-08:00

“[All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:24

It took me forty years to grasp that truth about myself. Forty years to fully accept that there is nothing I can do to redeem myself. No amount of guilt, sacrifice, grief, or self-pity could make me any more acceptable to an almighty and perfect God. It wasn’t a visible change of heart nor a “revelation” of any kind. I just realized one day that I didn’t worry about my past anymore. I was no longer dragging junk back to God to fix. I just knew it was done. I knew this in my head, long before I allowed myself to accept it. But after forty years, I understand.

Now as my forty-first year comes to a close, I want to tell you of a new lesson I have learned. 2006 has most definitely been the most revealing year for me. Not that I learned so much in that one year, but that it was a relatively quick lesson. After forty years of learning about grace so that I could accept it myself, I learned this year, just one year, to extend that grace to others.

Many of you know of my trip to Indiana this summer to an Exodus Intl. Conference. And some of you know what led up to it. I won’t go into all of that here, but I will gladly share the story with you. Looking back I realize that even though changes were being wrought in me without my knowing it, all along. It wasn’t that long ago when I would have been on the “boycott this”, “rally against that” bandwagon. I firmly believed that we had a “Christian right” to demand that everyone fall into our moral box. Well, I was shaken like a Christmas globe in those beliefs this year.

First it was a movie (The End of The Spear-if you haven’t seen it, DO, better yet, get the book) and a subsequent boycott, then it was an e-mail box full of encouraging messages, then a man named Richard, a miracle of provision, and a church turned upside down. What a ride. I found myself, at times, preaching about things I didn’t even know I had in me. Afterward I found myself digging into scripture cause I wasn’t sure where the sermon had come from. I was actually afraid I had spoken something I knew nothing about, but it must have been God speaking through me. Not only was it confirmed, but it was like my eyes and heart were bursting open and seeing things for the first time.

All through history, God’s story has been woven together. You can pick up parts of the story here and there and see where they tie in hundreds of years later. For the first four thousand years, everything that happened was to prepare the way and lead up to the birth of Christ. It is fascinating to look at the Bible in that way and to realize that each and every word in it has a purpose. It is so intertwined in God’s plan that sometimes it takes quite a bit of digging to find the connections. But they are there.

In our homeschool studies, we have learned that Bible scholars place the earth around 6000 years. We have seen how the genealogies from different cultures, Kings lists, the table of Nations, and even archeology (though you will never hear about it) all seems to confirm this and even, according to Bishop Ussher, points to an exact date and time of the beginning of earth. We also learned that according to Jewish custom, forty years is a generation. If you think of it that way and do the math, there are only 150 generations of man! Only 50 something generations since the time of Christ! That puts things into a new perspective doesn’t it? The earth really isn’t all that old.

During that time, you don’t see God’s people having the freedom to serve God as freely as we have had in the last 230 years. Never once did Jesus say that to follow him would mean we had a right to anything but persecution. Even in the Old Testament, the followers of God were not guaranteed an easy life. The children of Abraham had to tow the line in order to receive the blessings of God. There was always someone waiting throughout Israel’s history to take advantage of the hand of God being removed. Christians in the New Testament and beyond have always suffered discrimination and outright persecution.

Yet somehow, in the last 230 years, we have gained a sense of entitlement. Instead of Christians being persecuted, we have become the persecutors. While I firmly believe that as Americans, we do have the right to worship who and how we want, as a Christian, I am guaranteed nothing but hatred and mistreatment while on this earth, and yet I see Christians (I am just as guilty as the next) showing hatred and contempt towards the very people Jesus came to save. He said to go and preach the gospel to ALL the world. Not only do we withhold it from those with certain sins, but when did the gospel become a message of damnation and hopelessness, hellfire and brimstone?

Now, we all know that Jesus wasn’t really born on Dec. 25. It’s just a day that was a traditional holiday for the pagan people that the Roman Emperor Constantine put a Christian label on in an effort to make everyone happy while trying to make everyone “Christian”. But it serves to remind us of the sacrifice our Lord, the God of the Universe, made for us. He put on this earthly skin to be like us. He became a man. I can’t begin to fathom that. I can’t grasp what kind of love it took, knowing he would be beaten and brutally put to death, to take on that form and enter this world.

The heavens couldn’t even contain the joy of that event and shouted out in the form of a star. Angels appears to lowly men and shared their joy. What a concert that must have been! I get chills when I hear a human choir, I can only try to imagine what those angels, in all their splendor, must have sounded like. Our Creator, the one who threw the stars in space and with a word, brought our world into existence, became one of us with the sole purpose of spilling his blood! His only reason for doing so…He wants us to be with Him! He loves us that much! None of us deserve to be in the presence of the Almighty God. Not a single one of us! We are all sinners. God does not see one sin greater than another. There is NOTHING we can do to deserve to be with Him. Yet we have that hope. Having accepted the gift of his sacrifice, we will be with Him. No, not everyone will accept His gift, but we were commanded to extend that offer to the world. There is not one sin that makes a person unworthy of the offer. Not one. And the offer stands till the day they die. We should never withhold what we ourselves have been given.

I leave you with one final thought for Christmas.

Share Him with the world!

May you experience the gift of knowing the Savior, and may you be blessed in 2007! We love you all!

And may the Lord come Quickly!
Maran atha!

Not quite time...

2006-11-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, I felt the urging of God to tell my story. He even brought a couple of people to me to tell it to. Both of them said, "You have GOT to tell this story!" They went on to say that there was healing in the telling and yeas, each time I told it, I felt I owned it a little less. It was a great feeling. But it is a story of a VERY sensitive nature, so I had to be careful who I shared it with. I knew there would be some that would simply be too shocked to hear it...and some who would be terribly hurt, like my mother and, well, any of my family for that matter. It was such a good feeling to let go of it each time I told it though, that I really did have to make myself wait to tell it and seek God first, so I wouldn't tell it to the wrong people. As it is, I have shared it in it's entirety to exactly 4 people. Three of whom were put in the position of hearing it for accountability reasons, one was to hear it to build trust between us. She learned from it that if I could share that with her, she could talk to me. There are two others who know generalities who are in Spiritual authority over me-both men, and I believe that is the reason they are only to know generalities.

Then there is one who knows the story, the whole story, but without all the gory details. Telling her was a defining moment for me. I really felt that this particular telling of it was preparation for writing it and sharing publicly. The hearer was my oldest daughter. Sharing it opened her eyes to some of the dynamics of our family and gave her a new, deepened respect for her father. Yes, I think it even brought us closer together because I think she felt priviledged to be allowed to hear this information. She was probably the least judgemental of anyone else I had told. No, no one made me feel bad, but I do think their idea of who I am was changed considerably. Actually, when my daughter heard it, it was like a light went on in her mind and she seemed to understand me better as well as some of the events in our family that had never been explained.

I have mentioned here that I had a story-a past-that most people would frown upon. I have mentioned that I have dealt with sin in my younger days as most, but again also in my adult years. I have also mentioned here that I never really saw the second round of this mess coming, nor do I know how or why it happened. Amazingly, each time I have told the story seemed like it was less and less about me. I was removed from the events further and further each time I shared it. Now, I truly can't imagine that it was really ME. I could describe it as dying a little to it each time I told it. It was like cutting it away from myself like cutting the fat away from a piece of meat. It was freeing. Each time it seemed God ordained and felt GOOD to get it out in the open. I was heavy with the thought that sharing it more publicly was coming soon-like a pregnant woman about to give birth. I was excited, but frightened too.

Over the last few weeks, I feel that God has released me from that heaviness. Not that I am never going to tell my story, but not now. It's not quite time. I thank God for holding me back. I was very close to posting it all here. I do believe there are people that need to hear it. I do believe in being transparent. If anyone asks me, I will tell them. But I don't believe that EVERYone can handle it, just like there are some things, that if someone told me they do or did, I would not be able to handle it. (there's not much that can shake me, but I am sure there are some things) I believe to subject them to it could be a stumbling block for them. And I believe God has been speaking to me that not everyone has to know everything. It's the past and I need to release it as such.

So this is where I stand right now. This is what I have been mulling over during the last few days that I haven't posted. There is another topic I will address too that has been rising to the surface over these last few days. I will have to write about that later on though.

For now, be encouraged to know that your past, is just that...YOUR PAST! God does not hold it in His memory any longer and does not require you to either. Perhaps your experiences may minister to someone, but God will let you know when to share and how much. Trust Him. And know grace!

Family Photo Shoot

2006-10-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

These may be our last family photos. It's just getting too hard to get everybody together anymore.

My husband is a happy man!

2006-10-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

His favorite team...his favorite sport. What a Series!

Daddy's girl still.

2006-10-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer* This will probably be the saddest post you will ever read of mine. Of all the things I carry with me, this is the source of every dark nook and cranny of my soul. Every hidden secret stems from this one subject and all that is "my story" centers around it. I don't lay blame on anyone for my choices in life, but I do acknowledge the fact that if it weren't for this, the choices I had to make would have been very different. Please do not feel you have to read it. Please do not feel you have to comment. It is simply my effort to put some thoughts into words and round it up with some hopefulness. Today gave me an way to do that.

All I remember of my early years was that I was a Daddy's girl. My fondest memories involve sitting in my Daddy's lap, waiting for him to come home to see what he had for me (he was a drugstore pharmacist and would often pick up some little something for me when he had worked those long weekend shifts), and seeing the fish he would bring home from an early morning fishing trip with my brothers. Indeed, I owe my strong stomach to the mornings of watching him clean fish. Unfortunately, it is only strong where fish are concerned. I would also stand on his feet while he held my hands and walked around the house. I was "walking on daddy". He would sit with one leg crossed over the other in the shape of a 4, making a "hole" between his knees and I would slip through the hole behind his paper and knock on it till he let me climb in his lap.

The summer I was 9, I was shuffled off to a friend's house. I didn't know why. After what seemed like weeks, my mother finally came. But she didn't come to take me home. She came to tell me that my Daddy wanted a divorce. Now my mother never said anything bad about my dad to me, so I am sure she did not say it, but my little girl mind heard "your daddy doesn't love us anymore.

I don't want this post to become a total bummer, but in order to get the point across, I will tell you that over the years, my dad left us and eventually married another family. I say it that way because that is how it really was. There was even a girl my age in that new family. Back then there was no joint custody so I rarely saw him after age 12. I was back and forth, even still I am, between loving him so much I couldn't stand it and hating him to the point I wished he were dead. I have forgiven, hated, resented, and forgiven again so many times, that my own kids are confused about how to feel about him. And out of my ache for him to know my feelings, I have been open to anyone who would listen and might could sway him, about those raging emotions. To this day, I honestly believe he had no idea that his choices DEEPLY affected who I was and am. He thinks he did nothing wrong. In fact, he still speaks quite spitefully about my mother and lays the blame at her feet. At one point I wanted to scream "She's not the one who couldn't keep it in her pants!!!" But what's the use? He would just think she had turned me against him.

As an adult of this situation, I have gone from tentatively reaching out to him, desperately wanting him to be MY father and MY children's grandfather, bitterly resenting his "new" daughter (I never even met her till I was nearly 30 so I don't really consider her my step sister, nor her mother my step mother) and her children for having him, to respectfully and obediently trying to honor my father, to finally, slowly, and with much pain, realizing that he is never going to be what I want him to be and deciding to let him be the adult and the parent in the situation. I was going to continue to write occasionally, but it's his responsibility to initiate anything further. There will never be the closure I have always longed for. No, "I'm sorry I hurt you", no "I have always loved you", none of that. I just have to accept that he does not feel or see things that way. I really don't expect him to be around much longer and though I know I will regret it later, I cannot bring myself to think I would attend his funeral. I would not be able to contain my grief and I don't know what all I have bottled up in the name of forgiveness that will come out. But I have truly gotten to the place where I just don't think about him that often.

This morning, I awoke at 5 AM, thinking of my father and fighting tears. A quiet grief was there. I missed him. I had written him a couple of months ago and had heard nothing. He missed my birthday. Not that it was a huge deal, he does most of the time, but it was waying on me. I knew, as I always take those times to pray for whoever is on my heart, that God was moving me to pray for him. So I got up and went about my blogging activities with a prayer on my lips. Reading other blogs pulled me out of my funk and sent me on my way. Everything was fine.

This afternoon, in the mail, I recieved a birthday card from my Daddy. He had accidentally written the wrong zip code on it and it was returned to him. He wrote a short note telling me of the delay and re-sent it. Needless to say, the tears held back for months and even this morning, came. I still love my Daddy.

Wordless Wednesday-Going, going, gone...did I mention that it was about 45 degrees ?.

2006-10-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

For more Wordless Wednesday see 5 Minutes for Mom.

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
The Grand Scheme of Things.
Gracie
A Prayer Request
Southern Pearls
Enraptured
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

Contest Announcement

2006-10-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Visit Lessons From the Scrapbook Page for more details.

Oh how the years go by...

2006-10-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I was overwhelmed by diapers and nursing babies. For 12 long years I had at least one in diapers. Now, one is basically out of the nest and the next is getting ready to fly. My youngest is 10 now. Am I relieved not to have diaper duty and sleepless nights? YES, yes, a resounding yes! Am I no longer overwhlemed? I most definately AM! It's over different things now, but oh yes, it plagues me still.

But above all of that is the nagging sense that I am losing my babies. While I am of course, quite proud of their accomplishments and thoroughly enjoy watching them become young men and women, I can't help but draw inside myself as I watch them and try to remember that sweet little voice, or those chubby little smiles. There isn't a trace of that left in their faces now. It saddens me that I can't remember it. I have pictures. Oh you better believe I have pictures. I have about 30 of those boxes that are specially made to hold pictures-you know the ones that are about shoebox size and are acid free? Not to mention albums galore full of their pictures. I always thought that would suffice. But I find myself grieving that I can't recall it on my own. The images are just not there anymore. I remember them as children, but the details that I loved so are just blurs now. Like a really faded photograph.

Here they are all except for the oldest. Babies no more.

Wordless Wednesday-The Grand Scheme Of Things

2006-10-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

My soul wells up with Hallelujah's!

For more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes For Mom.

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
Gracie
A Prayer Request
Southern Pearls
Enraptured
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

They grow up too fast.

2006-10-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

My youngest, my baby, is 10 years old. I don't advocate a girl that young being into boys and I know that there are some out there that are going to think this is terrible. But sometimes, when hormones kick in, young girls get crushes. It isn't anything you can put a stop to. It just happens For anyone who wants to beef about that, just ask yourself if you have ever had an emotion kick in whether you wanted it to or not and if you could easily control it AS AN ADULT. What about that last time someone cut you off on the highway? Did a certain emotion get the best of you? Okay, nuff said.

Anyway, she has been hinting around that there was this certain boy...! She hinted at his age, he's about 12. She hinted that he was in our youth group at church. She's hinted that she has played air hockey with him on one of the nights we were helping with the youth, but she has never told me who, and I didn't press her. I know she will tell me in time.

Today, she asked if we had to go back to church next Sunday. Yes of course was our reply and she proceeded to look very glum. I somehow knew it had something to do with that boy, but other than quipping, "boy-trouble?" I didn't push the issue. She said nothing. A few minutes later I had a ball of 10 year old girl curled up beside me. She had turned with her back to me, leaning on me and balled up so no one else could see her pout. I caressed her hair and waiting for her to talk.

Finally, "now I know why they call it a crush." was ever so quietly pouted out. My heart broke. "She's too young to have to deal with these emotions!" my heart cried out to God. "Please protect her tender heart and keep her innocence where her emotions are concerned. It's just too soon."

But like it or not, she has crossed a line. The childlike trust has been broken and she now knows a taste of what a broken heart is like. My poor sweet girl. I ache for her. I am trying to teach her not to give her heart away, but who of us women can remember those first few stirrings over a boy. Could any of us ever imagined a way to curb those feelings, much less put a stop to them? No I don't think I could even do it now, much less when I still had the faith and innocent love of a child. My other girls never really went through this. Oh yeah they had crushes, but they were short lived enough that they didn't experience the rejection. They usually got over the boy first. This one, she is so much like me and I worry for her self image. There SHOULD be nothing there to give her a bad one, but with boys being such a big deal already...SHE'S TEN!!!! It is too soon.

So what is a mom to do? Well, what else do you do for a broken heart? I got her some chocolate.

Hey, don't knock it, it worked!

What region are you from?

2006-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite jokes to tell people who aren't familiar with Southern colloqialisms. Can you read this?

MR Ducks
MR Not
OSAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks

If you can read this, you are from the South.

What about this:
Do you know what PSDS are or pocked cah is?
If you do, then you are probably from Boston.

I have heard a few others, but would like to hear from you. What are some of the phonectically spelled sayings from your neck of the woods?

Oh, and in case you DIDN't know, the defined versions of the above are:

Them are ducks. MR Ducks
Them are not. MR Not
Oh yes they are. OSAR
See them Wings? CM WAngs
Well, I'll be. LIB
Them ARE ducks. MR Ducks

Peirced Ears (PSDS) and Parked Car (Pocked Cah)

Dan is on his way to the States!

2006-10-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Just recieved this from Beverly:

"Okay, the good news first...

Daniel is on his way home!!! We called Germany early this morning and Dan
has been discharged and is on the plane headed for the USA!!! Yea!!! He
will be at Walter Reed sometime this evening.

Because Dan has been taken off of the SI List (seriously injured list), he
will most probably be redirected back to Ft. Bragg, which is his home base.
The Womack Hospital on the base is expecting his arrival sometime Saturday
afternoon. Because it is the weekend, paperwork will not be completed and
filed until Monday morning. Because he may be considered an outpatient, the
military may not transport us, his family, down to see him.

In the midst of all the good news about Dan, there is some frustration on my
part that the timing on things seems to keep us from being able to act on
our impulses to just get down there, wherever "there" may be, to see our
son. I am reminded daily that our timing is not God's timing, nor are we any
more special than all the other servicemen and women who are returning from
the battlefront to their awaiting family members. I am so very grateful that
Dan's wounds have been attended to in such a way that he is healing at a
progressive rate and his outlook is very positive.

The military personnel that we've been in contact with have been wonderfully
supportive of our circumstance. They are working with us as best as
possible "to make all things work together for good" (sound familiar?) :-)
One way or another, we will go down to see Daniel. We just aren't sure how
or when, but we will go.

Heidi is home again from college with the anticipation of seeing her brother
soon. My sister, Karen, who lives with us, will be traveling along with us
as well...She's anxious to see Daniel with the hurt legs and all the
nurses... :-) She thinks Dan is pretty special and having nurses and
doctors take care of him is just icing on the cake for her. :-) You'd have
to know Karen to understand. She's very special to us.

I pray that Dan's plane ride home today will be as comfortable as possible
for him and the other wounded soldiers. Hopefully soon I'll have some
pictures for you of us with Daniel in our arms. Your faithfulness of
prayers is what's sustaining us...

By His Grace,
Bev"

Updates on Dan-and a quick church stuff update

2006-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy the last week and am so behind on everything. I just want to say a quick thing about the meeting with the pastor for the 2 or 3 of you that have been keeping up with that. I can't say much more about that right now (for time's sake) than that it went well and my pastor and the head of the Sight Ministry hit it off real well. I think it is the beginning of something beautiful:-)

Okay, here are the latest reports on Dan Peters. Please continue praying for him. I am just copying the e-mails I have gotten from his mother.

"To Stay or Not to Stay...(Recieved Monday. 10/9)
The title says it all.....Dan's flight home tomorrow has been delayed. It
seems there are mechanical problems with the plane. His new departure date
is Wed....maybe.... I'd like to just jump on a plane and head over there,
but just as sure as I would, then we would cross paths in the air. It's
hard to be patient....

I did talk to Dan this morning. He had just gotten out of OR again. He was
in quite a bit of pain. I'm not sure what procedure they did this
morning...so don't have many details other than he said his right leg was
numb and he was sweating profusely...He sounded very uncomfortable. But the
nurses were there attending to him. I just have to trust that they were able
to stabilize the situation.

Dan did call home a little later and talked to Heidi. I was off getting
medicine for Heidi because she has come down with a double ear infection.
She's been getting worse ever since she got home. Tomorrow she leaves to go
back to school with medicine in hand...What's a mother to do...???

They have transferred Dan's buddy, SSG Robertson (notice his rank...I had it
wrong before...)ooops... He left Germany on Sunday. I'm not sure why they
decided to send them separate... Hopefully they will meet up again in MD.
Somehow I will get him the messages that all of you have been sending.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring better news...By His Grace, Bev"

(Recieved Wed. Oct. 11)
"Well, it¹s Wed. Just got off the phone with Dan. He won¹t be headed home
today. It seems his blood count it too low. Also, his last two toes are not
looking good. Thanks to all of you who are praying for him. It means so much
to him and to us to know that there are others that care. I¹ll update his
progress once I talk to his case manager todayŠ"

Recieved today, Oct. 12)
"Hi Everyone,
Well, yesterday was certainly a trying day...I spent about 6 hours on the
phone with Daniel. We cried, we laughed, we prayed, we talked...He's very
frustrated about being stuck in Germany. I tried to assure him that he is
there for a reason...His faith is being stretched...and we all know that
that can be a good thing. We talked a lot about his walk with Jesus and how
his life has been spared...more than once these last few weeks. All in all,
it was a good day. Wish I could have been by his bedside, but being able to
hear his voice and listen to his stories is the next best thing. Thank you
to the army for making that possible for this momma and son.

He did receive some more units of blood yesterday. He wasn't happy about
getting someone else's blood...he's not a big fan of needles...especially
large ones. ;-) I was told by the nurse that he'd most likely be receiving
some more units today during his procedure this morning. When they wash out
his wounds and do more stitching and repairs, it's only natural that he will
bleed more...and he lost so much in the beginning; his body just hasn't been
able to replenish it to normal yet. They may also take the last two toes
today. The fourth one wasn't looking good at all yesterday and the fifth
one was also completely black. The two broken bones in his leg still have
not been cast. There are too many wounds on the exterior that need
attention. They were finally able to completely close the 6 inch gash on his
upper left thigh (backside) yesterday. All the other ones are still open and
very raw.

He's talking to me about the last events of his journey. Although they are
gruesome details, I'm glad that he is able to voice them. I know that will
be healing to him today as well as down the road. Your prayers are a big
part of that. I've been receiving many encouraging emails and cards for him
and SSG Robertson I can't wait to deliver them.

Dan has been removed from the seriously injured list...although this is a
good thing, it may also delay him coming home as the ones in most urgent
need get priority first. I know that God will bring him home in His perfect
timing.....but it sure is hard to wait. ;-)

By His Grace, Bev"

Wordless Wednesday-Gracie

2006-10-11T02:12:00.000-07:00

She was a silly baby, but now she really fits her name.

For more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
A Prayer Request
Southern Pearls
Enraptured
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

Sunday's News-new update on Dan

2006-10-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Beverly would really like to know who is praying for her son. If you can, jot them off an e-mail to let them know. byhisgrace404@verizon.net She also says that if you want to sent personal messages, she will print them and hand deliver them this week.

The following is straight from Beverly:

"We were able to talk to Dan again yesterday. Some good news is that his
buddy that lost his foot in the battle has been moved to Daniel's room. The
plan is for the two of them to be transferred to the states together. I'm
glad they have each other to get through this ordeal. Maybe they won't
focus so much on their own pain. This soldier's name is SPC Robertson.
Please add him to your prayer list. Losing a foot at any age would be
tough. I believe that he is close to Daniel's age (22).

The next good news is that they are scheduled to come stateside on Tuesday.
Barring any other set backs, that means that we should be able to go see him
in Maryland either Wed or Thurs. Yea!

Yesterday, when I talked to Dan he sounded stronger, but did say that his
fourth toe is looking a little grey. However, he still has feeling in it;
so they haven't given up hope on it yet. It sounds like the hospital staff
is doing a wonderful job keeping these young men comfortable. I can't wait
to go see for myself! ;-)

We've been trying all day to get through to him again, but haven't had much
luck. I'm sure weekend staff is more limited than on weekdays. At least
that's my conclusion, anyway. ;-) I will update again when I know something
of significance. ....by the way, I am keeping track of how many of you are
praying for them. I am going to take him a list so he can see just how many
people care about our soldiers....thank you for your gift of prayers. If
you'd like to send a message to him or SPC Robertson, you can email it to me
and I will hand deliver it to them this week.

I've finally created a group listing so that I can send these updates more
efficiently. Because I have added several new names, I'm going to include
some earlier notes that I sent went this ordeal started. So these next few
paragraphs will be repetitious for some of you. Bare with me... For those
of you who are posting these emails, you can cut and paste the new
info....(you probably already new that) ;-)

Dan's Unit Ambushed (Oct 3rd)

> Okay, I think most of you know by now that Dan was injured in a mortar
> attack this past evening. After the initial call from one of the captains,
> we received a call from Dan. What a relief to hear his sweet voice!!! He
> sounded very groggy and was probably still in a little bit of shock. Both
> legs were badly injured. He said he has holes in both legs and his right
> leg and foot are broken. They had to reattach a few of his toes. So there
> is a chance he may loose them. He did have a head injury, but he said he
> didn't think it was bad. He said there was so much blood on his face that
> he thought he was blind. How scary that must have been!
>
> He is being sent to Germany sometime today. I'm not sure how the process
> will go. I'm sure they will re-evaluate his injuries in Germany before they
> decide when he can come home. I will send out another update as I get more
> information.
>
> Please pray for the remaining soldiers in his unit. They were still under
> attack when Dan was evacuated. The Taliban are not letting up. Our
> soldiers need every bit of support that we can give them.
>
> Beverly
>
> PS. Thanks for your many notes of encouragement and prayers

Subject: 10 little toes (Oct.6th)

Hey Everyone,

I just got off the phone with Daniel. First of all, he wanted me to thank
all of you for the many prayers spoken on his behalf. I'm trying to save
all of them so that he can have a glimpse of the number of people that have
been bathing him in prayer.

Second, the procedure that he endured this morning went very well. They
were able to wash out and bandage all of his wounds. I'm still not sure
what exactly they have done to his right foot, but the nurse told me that
all the pins and wires are stable. They cleaned up the area and doused it
with medication and new bandages. The nurse told me that his 5 toes on his
right foot are rosy pink. There's quite a bit of damage to the bone area
where to toes attach themselves to the foot. But for now, everything looks
as it should be.

There are no orders for him to be transported immediately. Dan still thinks
that he will head for the states on Sunday. Where he is coming to is still
not determined for sure. He says one thing and we are told another. I am
just so thankful that he is getting the medical treatment that he needs and
he's got so many prayer warriors covering that and every other detail, too.

My daughter, Heidi, is coming home tonight for her first trip home from
college. I can't wait to hug her! We'll call Dan again tomorrow and let
her talk to him then.

Once again, thank you for your concern and for your prayers. By His Mighty
Hand, Dan's life has been spared.

By His Grace,
Beverly"

Ten Little Toes-new update on wounded soldier.

2006-10-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

This is the latest news from the Peters' about their son. Anyone who wants to link to these stories, please do so. Let's bathe this young man, AND his unit that is still in Afghanistan, in prayer. There is also a really cute picture of Dan as a toddler at this blog. It really puts this into perspecting when you see his little toes when they were just tiny things. Just kinda brings it home a bit more.

Just copy this link to the original post and put it in your post. Thanks so much!
http://randomgems.blogspot.com/2006/10/wordless-wednesday.html

"Hey Everyone,

I just got off the phone with Daniel. First of all, he wanted me to thank
all of you for the many prayers spoken on his behalf. I'm trying to save
all of them so that he can have a glimpse of the number of people that have
been bathing him in prayer.

Second, the procedure that he endured this morning went very well. They
were able to wash out and bandage all of his wounds. I'm still not sure
what exactly they have done to his right foot, but the nurse told me that
all the pins and wires are stable. They cleaned up the area and doused it
with medication and new bandages. The nurse told me that his 5 toes on his
right foot are rosy pink. There's quite a bit of damage to the bone area
where to toes attach themselves to the foot. But for now, everything looks
as it should be.

There are no orders for him to be transported immediately. Dan still thinks
that he will head for the states on Sunday. Where he is coming to is still
not determined for sure. He says one thing and we are told another. I am
just so thankful that he is getting the medical treatment that he needs and
he's got so many prayer warriors covering that and every other detail, too.

My daughter, H, is coming home tonight for her first trip home from
college. I can't wait to hug her! We'll call Dan again tomorrow and let
her talk to him then.

Once again, thank you for your concern and for your prayers. By His Mighty
Hand, Dan's life has been spared.

By His Grace,
Beverly"

Update on Dan and a meme

2006-10-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry to include serious and not so serious in the same post, but I am trying to update and play catch up at the same time.

First, here’s an update on Dan Peters, Sarah Walston’s cousin.

“We were finally able to get through to Daniel tonight. Poor thing...It was
1 am there and he still hasn't been able to rest because of x-rays, blood
draws and his mom and dad tracking him down. ;-) All in all he sounded
good, but tired. He still remembers quite a bit of detail. So that tells
me that the head injury wasn't too bad. Yea!

The doctors will perform a procedure on him in the morning. The purpose is
to take a closer look at the broken bones in his right leg and foot and to
see how the re-attachment of his toes is coming along. I thought he had
said a few toes. As it turns out, it is all 5 toes. They were all severed,
as well as the ball of his right foot. Ouch! The rest of the injuries are
chunks taken out of his legs from the flying shrapnel. Hopefully they will
heal quickly. He said his dog tags have a dent in them! If all goes well
tomorrow, he's thinking that he will head for the states on Sunday. So now
we wait for the diagnosis of his doctors.

I've included a link below that pretty much tells the story of what
happened. Please keep these Canadian families in your prayers as they grieve
for these men.

Again, thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Bev”

The link she sent didn’t work so here’s one to the same story:
http://www.canada.com/topics/news/story.html?id=2d19a6cc-90ae-4356-ab70-c3c224404549&k=13599
_____________________________________________________________________

Now, I am a little late with this one, and I apologize to kpjara at Can You Hear Me Now for missing it the first time around. Kp tagged me with this word meme. Sorry, I was so caught up in the whirlwind here. I am committed to getting all my blog stuff caught up by Monday.

Okay, I’m not sure if I’ve done this right. As I understand it, I am supposed to write what the words mean to me.
Miracle
Dangerous
Obedient
Imagine

Miracle-Life. I have to think that life is the ultimate miracle. I can fathom that anyone could hold a newborn baby in their arms and not believe in miracles.

Dangerous-false doctrine. The first thing that popped into my mind was the scripture about even the very elect being deceived. That is a scary thought. I pray protection from this danger!

Obedient-to die to self. I think of those 5 missionaries in Ecuador, trying to reach a people that everyone else feared, just to save them. I believe with all my heart, they were called to obey and they were obedient unto death. I believe that there are those that this is asked of. It is the ultimate death to self.

Imagine-The first thing that I think of with this word is joy. Great abounding joy. The joy that we will experience when we see him face to face. And even though I know Tam at Time for Twittering used this as well, the song , “I Can Only Imagine” is exactly the words I would use.

And for the bonus, I’m going to do the original 4 words. (drum roll please)

Angel
Twist
Vibrant
Quest

Angel-I have to tell a story with this one. We lived in Murray, KY at the time and were heading to Hendersonville for a reunion. We were on this little 2 lane highway just outside of Clarksville. We passed this side road and I saw an ambulance with lights flashing in the distance on that side road. I didn’t think much more of it other than to watch in the rear view to see which direction it would turn when it got to the highway. I knew it would turn in behind us headed toward Clarksville, but I just kept my eye on it. When it turned onto the highway, it was about a mile behind us. I just casually mentioned to my husband that it was coming up behind him and to watch for it. I didn’t think any more about it. As it passed us, I felt the iciest chill run down my spine as I saw in my mind an angel laying on the top of that ambulance and holding on like he was on the ride of his life. He turned as they passed and looked at me with the most urgent expression I have ever seen, pointed at me and said, “PRAY, there’s a child in here!” All of this happened in my head but the hairs that were standing on end told me that this was for real. I started praying silently, but with a stunned urgency as I continued to stare, wide-eyed, at the ambulance that was now in the distance. Hubby looked over at me and asked “are you okay?” I didn’t know what to say. He’s an ultra-logical person and I don’t think he would’ve believed me if I told him. I DID tell my mom after we got to her house.

Later that night after we were back home, Mom called me and said she caught the tail end of a story on the news about an injured child being taken by ambulance to a Clarksville hospital that morning and was doing well. She didn’t hear what happened that led to it all.

Oh yeah, I’ve had encounters with them.

Twist-This is so unreligious, but the first thing that came to my mind was this Lemon Twist thing I had when I was a kid. It was a plastic tube thing that went over your foot and around your ankle. On the other end of it was a weighted lemon shaped thing that had shakers inside. You slung it around with the foot it was attached to and jumped it with the other. Sort of a skip step. In fifth grade we LOVED those things. EVERYone (girls anyway) had them and we would bring them to school and play with them on the playground. Silly huh?

Vibrant-Ever have those moments when you have to take a deep breath and the air just seems so much sweeter? Just for a second you realize how wonderful life is and you just want to take it all in. The breeze feels wonderful, the sky is a brilliant blue, you seem to “understand” and everything is right with the world. It only lasts for a second before you are back in reality and you can’t recapture that fresh breath of air no matter how hard you try. I truly believe that is the breath of God being breathed into us. And that is what I would call “vibrant”.

Quest-haha A quest is when you step out of the boat. When Jesus says “follow me” or “come” and you do.

But then, Johnny Quest comes to mind as wellJ

Now I tag Cool Mama and Susan with:

Tinker
Coffee
Lavish
Silence

PS Keep praying for Susan’s cousin, Dan.

pics from Pigeon Forge

2006-10-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, from our picnic anyways. We were in Pigeon Forge, but we didn't get out much. Here's hubby with his picnic on our patio. And the bottom pic is THE cake. Chocolate amaretto cake with a hint of cinnamon, and an apricot filling, covered in a dark chocolate glaze and topped with chocolate dipped strawberries!!!!!!! Oh was it good! Oh, and the rose? It's made out of tootsie rolls with a glaze painted on. Cool huh?

Updates

2006-10-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has been praying for the Peters'. Bev (Dan's mom) sent an e-mail last night saying he was being transported to Germany and should have a phone so they can talk to him sometime today.

Second, I would like to thank those who have been praying for me as I follow God wherever it is He is leading me. To this point, I am not sure where this is all going yet. I did meet with the Pastor on Tues. He was excited about what I had to say and eager. So now he wants to meet Richard, the head of the Sight Ministry. The Sight Ministry is the Exodus affiliate ministry here that I have been involved with. Part of what I would like to see is for our church to support this ministry. My Pastor seemed very receptive to that and wants to talk to Richard about what kind of structure our own church should be developing as an effort to be prepared for this area of ministry. The Pastor also want to meet with my daughter who started this whole thing to begin with. I wrote earlier about her friend who came out to her in their senior year of high school. Through him she has met and befriended many young gay men. And I began praying for them. Out of those prayers as well as my daughter's witness to them, one of them, the one who was her friend in high school, has decided to leave the lifestyle! Praise God!!!!!! Anyway, he is so afraid of his old church and it is my goal to have a safe place for him to heal and seek God. A place where it is understood that he won't just change overnight, but where there are people willing to accept that and stand with him as he finds freedom. Thank you for your prayers and keep praying, please. First for this young man and the many others that I wish I could name. Second for me, I have to SPEAK about this on Sunday and for the next 2 Sundays after, to a group of youth leaders about the standing firm with compassion and the reality of this among our own youth. Have I mentioned that I am scare to DEATH of public speaking? Yes, it's true! Microphones make me CRY! But back when God first started dealing with me about sharing my own story, He gave me a vision of sharing it publicly. I knew it was coming and I feel this is training for that day. I figure it's easier to speak about something that's not so personal when I am just starting out.

I want to leave you with this. Think about your own church for a minute. I bet you never realized that probably as much as a third of your church members have something to hide. Maybe it's something that happened long ago. But the chances are it is sexual in nature and very painful for them. Now think of this...Who do they have to confide in? Could they come to you? Would you love them enough to help them deal with it and find freedom in Christ? Or would it just be too shocking and make you fearful to be around them?

If they could come to you, how would they know?

The church, in general, is so unprepared to deal with this issues. Why is it that the very place that God intended for us to find healing, is so ill-equipped to help us? This is my mission. I don't know how, and I don't know what, but I believe God has placed it on my heart to see that, at least my own church, has the resources, the training, and the means, to meet the ever growing population of sexually broken people. We are so inundated with it in our society. It's everywhere we look, everywhere we turn. It's no wonder we have people who are "broken" in this area. The internet alone has brought a tremendous flood of an epidemic of people addicted to sex and porn. Yet the church is only now beginning to wake up and pull its head out of the sand on this issue.

I will stop on that note for now. It's time to start chauffeuring my kids for the afternoon. But think about these things for a bit. And keep praying.

Thank you so much!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2006-10-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Dan Peters was injured in Afghanistan yesterday. His cousin, Sarah Walston, has the info on her blog.

Please visit this link and join with me in prayer for this young man and his unit.

For more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
Southern Pearls
Enraptured
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

The long-awaited moment

2006-10-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

I only have 30 minutes before the moment, so I will have to make this quick. Before I go on, I want to thank those of you who sent wishes to My Man. I relayed them to him and he was very appreciative. He had a very relaxing time this weekend, which is what i was hoping for. I will post a pic or two and tell more later.

Okay, this is where it all began.. I worte more about it here. From that point on, God sent me on a whirlwind journey and I wasn't even sure where I would end up. That journey sent me to another state without my family to see and know His compassion for a people that have been, for the most part, shut out by the church. Now, this journey has mostly been focused on the homosexual community, but through it, I have gained a compassion for anyone in bondage to ANYthing. This trip launched a vision in me for the church. Not just mine, but THE church. Much of the stirrings in my heart were merely confirmed at the Exodus conference and the multitude of God directed moments over the last few months. The vision itself, solidified and cleared over the days and weeks following Exodus. I sent this letter to my pastor and posted it here the week after I went to Exodus. I have been not-so-patiently waiting for a response from my pastor. I know that in the waiting period, the vision God gave me, has grown and the details have been clarified. So even though I did grumble about it, I knew I needed to submit to it.

Well, that moment is here. In 15 minutes, I will sit down with my Pastor and share with him what I feel God has given me to share. I am nervous, but uncannily sure of myself. Nervous in that I know this will eventually involve public speaking. Sure in that I KNOW that this is something God has placed in my heart. The youth pastor has already scheduled me to speak on the topic of homosexuality to the youth leaders beginning next Sunday. Not that I am an authority, but I am the only one who has had any experience whatsoever on the topic due to my daughter's gay friends and my working with the Sight Ministry, as well as the Exodus conference. They know that young people are faced with this earlier and earlier (my son was first faced with someone declaring homosexuality in SEVENTH GRADE). Yes, it's out there folks and if your kids are in public school, they are hearing and learning about it. The sad thing is that at such a tender age, many of them are deciding to identify themselves with it. There are even "fads" or "trends", especially among teenage girls, to be bisexual. Yes, it even has a name-L.U.G.-lesbian until graduation.

How do we deal with this as Christians? So far, we have merely stuck our heads in the sand or thrown stones at it. Neither works. I will write more on this later. Keep me in your prayers cause I am now out of the boat.

My Superman

2006-09-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

This is my Superman. Scroll to the bottom of this post to see why he's getting so much attention today.

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My Superman
My knight in shining armor
My Hosea
He works so hard so I can stay home with our children. Then he comes home and works hard for us. He's our grillmaster, coach, handyman, and he cheers us all on in everything we do. This is my man. God gave him to me and I love him so much. Thank you, Father for this wonderful blessing of a man! You of course picked the perfect one for me.

Today is his birthday and we are off to Pigeon Forge, TN WITHOUT the kids! I made chicken salad, homemade pimento cheese, bought fresh ground whole wheat bread from a friend, and steamed whole green beans for a picnic lunch. For his birthday cake, I had another friend, who is a pastry chef, make a chocolate almond cake with and apricot filling and a dark chocolate glaze over the top. He went the extra mile and covered the top with chocolate dipped strawberries. Top all of this off with a bottle of white zin and we are set. (As good as this all sounds, I don't know if I am doing all of that for myself or for him. LOL)

See you gals next week!

Wordless Wednesday-Southern Pearls

2006-09-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Posted early because I am going to be away from the computer on Wednesday.

For more Wordless Wednesday see 5 Minutes for Mom

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
Enraptured
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

In answer to the question, "Do you trust Me?"

2006-09-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

Before you read this, I have 3 Earthly sources that I want to credit:

Cool Mama in this post called God Remembers
Kpjara in this post called Strongtower
And BibleGateway.com, which is a GREAT source for finding and studying scripture, and is where this post begins.

Bible Gateway.com. Search…"Trust". Results…"See FAITH".

The result of this search was over 3 pages of Instances of Faith in the Bible. 85 all-together.

God has given us so many good faith examples to go by. Abraham trusted God enough to leave his home and go somewhere without really knowing where he was going. Then he trusted God that he would have heirs (although he too tried to take things into his own hands here. I am notorious for doing that). He trusted God when God told him to sacrifice his only son. Jochabed trusted God with Moses life. Rahab, David, Elijah, Daniel…on and on, stories of people who had faith in God. Not just a general faith that God is real, but also a specific trust that God was going to enter the situation.

Time after time, I will be faced with a decision or a dilemma and will not even think to take it to the Lord. Usually it’s my mother that reminds me. Her first question is usually, “Did you pray about it?”

DUUUUH!

Why didn’t I think of that earlier? Come to think of it, why didn’t I think of that FIRST? Why do I even allow myself to worry over anything? God has proven Himself faithful. He never fails to let me see His hand in situations-after the fact. You’d think I would know by now to give things to Him.

But even my mom, who is always asking, “Did you pray about it,” often forgets to go to the Lord from the beginning of a situation. Many of my Christian friends would admit to this too.

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for-the evidence of things not seen.” Look at that chapter. Paul tells what faith is and then lists incidences of faith. He goes on to say that without faith…it…is…IMPOSSIBLE…to please God. Why? Because we have to have faith to even believe that HE IS. The very I AM wants us first and foremost to believe HE IS.

Let me offer you this: to not trust God is to put our faith in something else. In doing so, we have set up an idol-another god-before Him.

Faith, trust, is reliance-confident expectation (dictionary.com). We have a hope of eternal life. Faith gives substance to that by the fact that we have a confident expectation that our hope of eternal life is true. It is the evidence, or reliance, that even though we don’t see it, it exists. The NAS version says Faith is the ASSURANCE of things hoped for, the CONVICTION of things not seen.

You trust gravity when you jump in the air. You don’t see it, but you are assured that when you jump you aren’t going to go flying off into space. You don’t even question it, you just KNOW it-with conviction.

That’s the kind of trust I want to have in God-a pleasing, confident, assured, convicted reliance in the One WHO IS. The knowledge that if the world around me falls apart, He is still in control. NOTHING happens that he doesn’t know about and has already planned for.

In the days to come, there may be much to fear with three bully nations rattling their swords at our country. Be still and hear Him ask, “Will you trust Me?” He will be with us always and we have the ultimate hope to come. I choose to trust Him. When all else fails-and it does-and I am to the point where there is nothing else to do? No! I will trust Him NOW. He NEVER fails. And He has my fate in His hands.

On a related theme: I cannot emphasize enough the importance of journaling. Journaling offers a point of reference and a reminder. Just as the Bible gives us examples of faith, so our journals do on a more personal level. Read Cool Mama's post linked above. Nothing builds your faith more than to be reminded through your own journals that God himself is faithful and trustworthy.

Wow

2006-09-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have watched a series on TV other than reruns of MASH and Star Trek. But, WOW! Did anyone see the CBS premier of "Jericho" tonight?

It looks like it's going to be a really good show and Gerald McRaney is in it. I love his down to earth, no nonsense, conservative characters. Looks like he is playing another good one.

Definately a thought provoker and especially after the comments by Chavez and Ahmadinejad about America to the UN, and the radio rumors running rampant these days(they are just that, rumors, been around since 2003 they just seem to be re-running them)

I was starting to get a little fearful. I read an article yesterday about a brother and sister reunited last weekend for the first time since the holocaust. It didn't really have any more of an effect on me other than just that it was a sweet story. But of course the story came back to me with a very different America and my own children as the characters. Along with those thoughts was that I have a son that is 17 and has to sign with the draft next year. So I am sitting there after the show, this train of thought charging into my brain, I'm about to launch into this "God what're we going to do" prayer, when I hear this quiet whisper that somehow rang out above the raging flood in my head, "Do you trust Me?"

Wow.

Free Blog Design!

2006-09-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Wanna get a new blog design for free?!? Go to Bluebird Blogs and enter their "Fall into a Free Blog Design Contest".

You only have to send an email with your name and blog address to bluebirdblogs@gmail.com.

Entries will be accepted from 7:00pm EST on Thursday 9/14/06 until 11:59pm EST on Friday 9/22/06.

If you mention them in your blog, you get 5 more entries!

Winners will be announce Sat. Sept. 23.

Check it out!

Wordless Wednesday-Enraptured

2006-09-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

More Wordless Wednesday at 5 Minutes For Mom

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
Concentration
Mantis Meal
Intelligent Design

Anatomy of a Life Change

2006-09-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling well today so this is going to be short. I have a need to get this written down but I may have to tie up the loose ends later on. So bear with me.

From experience and from the testimonies I heard over this weekend: Many people come to Christ and it doesn't "stick". When this happens, the opportunity for reconcilliation goes quickly down the tubes due to the "fallen" being fearful of what the "faithful" will think or say. There are some solid truths that we who see ourselves as "faithful" would do well to remember. I offer these as a means to foster compassion, not judgmentalism.

Life change, such as a decision for the Lord, is not always good or complete. Sometimes, it can be a person's last ditch effort to connect and they have been told Christianity is the answer to all their problems. With no discipleship these people never learn to show Christ's love and often their expectations, both of their own faith or of those around them, leave them angry, bitter and in a place far from God that is harder to reach than they were in to begin with. Sometimes, life change is a flash in the pan, a show, and even a desperate attempt to grasp hope. Often Christians see them come in, pat them on the back, Go about our merry way, and watch them leave, wondering what happened to them. Salvation is NOT the end. It is imperative to involve new Christians in such a way that they are around people they can learn from. Look at Jesus. He called those disciples and immediately put them to work. Did they mess up? You bet they did, but they learned from their mistakes in a way that would stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Life change is not always visible. Some are seeking God, but have not left their old lifestyle. Their hearts can truly be for God in spite of the fact that they still sin. They can even love Him to the point that they hate what they are doing and may even try to share the knowledge they have even DURING their sin. Our pastor calls it "buzz witnessing" and yes, God is capable of using it. You see, those people Often, it is their perception of what their former friends, both christian and not, think about them that keep them from making a choice one way or another.

Life Change is not always permanent. The old way of life is often more of a draw than a person can withstand. We cannot allow ourselves to be shocked by their stories. We cannot allow ourselves to fall into the trap of thinking that they have to be "changed" to be a Christian. Certainly it will show with time, but it takes just that, TIME, and quite often, MANY FAILURES. We have to be ready to "go get" the ones who fall away and promise to stand with them. We must be there to say, "God has not given up on you!" And we must always remember that in spite of what we think, we are just as capable of falling into the same sin...or worse. ANYONE is capable.

To this last comment I want to add that life change is NOT ONLY not always permanent, but it RARELY is. Few who are left to their own can find their own way and I find it a RARITY indeed when an adult convert does not lose his way and fall over and over again, even with help. How often do we get to a place that we think we will be in for the rest of our lives only to have something come along and shake our little world off it's foundation. I'll add this to shake up the theory even more...I was saved when I was 8. When I was a teen, I rebelled and lived the wild life. In my early 20's I had a very real reconcilliation with God and recommitted my life to God. Then in my early 30's, well, I really don't know what happened, but it wasn't Godly. Was my salvation real? Yes. My heart has always been for the Lord, even in my ugliest moments. Do I expect to remain faithful to Him for the rest of my earthly life? I am much wiser than that now. I do expect to be more on my guard and watch more carefully what I put into my heart and mind. But I know that "there but for the grace of God go I".

Wanna know what called me back?

Grace. Unfathomable, unlimited, beautiful, grace.

The voice of One whispering "Beloved, come away with me," to a woman so stained and filthy that the mere use of the word "Beloved" sent me running out of fear.

A husband, who is my Hosea, who in spite of his own pain came after me and brought me home-to my family and to my God, then took all the blame.

A worship leader who followed the call of God to stop the music and say, "The love of God is so great, that when we sin, he calls us to repent, and we do, and he forgives us and picks us up and we go on our way. Then we fall again, and he calls to us, and we repent, and he forgives us and picks us up and we go on our way. Then we fall again...!" I don't know how many times he said it, but it was from God and it was for me. Each time he said it he built to a crescendo and added, "It doesn't matter HOW MANY TIMES WE FALL! HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST TO FORGIVE US, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS REPENT. WILL WE FALL AGAIN? PROBABLY. WILL HE EVER TURN US AWAY? NEVER"

Yes, the time to choose will one day pass, but until that day, our creator longs for us, yearns for us. He will not stop wooing us till the end of our days.

Seeing the Other Side

2006-09-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

There are two women in my church who know my story. It's a dark one that will shock most church people although I think that if I wait a couple more years to tell it, it will be mainstream like everything else. No I can say that I pioneered this blackness all on my own with the exception of satan setting me up with very ripe circumstances and a blindsided attack that left me wondering what hit me. To this day I can't explain the things from my past. There are things from my teenage years that I CAN explain now, but for whatever reason, after years of living the conservative, homemaking, raising Godly children, perfect-little-family, mom life, I found myself in a PIT. A deep, black, full-of-despair, turn-my-back-on-God, PIT! Someday, I will tell the story. I know it has to be told, but I don't know when or how. I am a firm believer that you die to bondage a little each time you tell your story and that for every time you tell it, someone else finds freedom. For now, it is too overwhelming a task to even think about.

To be honest, I'm not sure how honest I should be with the whole thing anyway. I know there are those who need to hear the real, raw, nitty-gritty version, but I also know there are those who would merely be shocked and perhaps change their entire opinion of me if they even knew the gist of it.

You would think that with such a dark and foreboding story hanging over me, I would be very understanding of people and oh so slow to judge. But guess what.

I do have a much greater empathy for those with addictions and bondages. I do know what that feels like and how hard it is to overcome. What I do NOT have understanding for is "Christians".

People are so flippant with that word anymore. I tend to refer to people who are genuinely seeking God as "Christ Followers" because of the negative connotation the word "Christian" seems to carry nowadays. I won't go any further with it. You can already see where the judgmentalism comes in to play. I am never surprised when a "sinner" (used as a general term, not as derogatory), sins. My biggest angst is when "Christians" deem "sinners" unworthy of salvation. I'm sure most people would agree that this is a worthy angst, but trust me, it's not. In doing so, I have deemed alot of "Christians" unworthy of salvation. ooooh. That's harsh. Honestly, I didn't realize it in that light till this morning.

In the Nashville area, it is not uncommon to have musicians on a church worship team who are there just to play a gig. They have no interest, in God except to get their talents on display to whatever talent or producer may happen to be in the audience. I have a tendency, when I know this for a fact, to not even be able to participate in the worship for the attitude I get over it. It is horrible. I have seen this as a satanic tool in my life for some time and have learned, not to control it-I'm not that far yet, but to recognize it and immediately pray to God to let me see them through His eyes.

Well today, God answered me with a real eye opening experience. He said, "Look around you. How many people are dealing with secrets? Secrets they can't tell because people like you will judge them. Isn't that what you were afraid of? Can you win any one of these people (including the one up front) to Me with those stones you are casting with your thoughts?"

The Kingdom of God has NEVER been advanced through ideals or even scripture used as stones.

Father,
Help me to see people through Your eyes. Fill me with a love for them that is so overwhelming that I can't help but share it. Remind me, yes even when it hurts, that being a judge is not my job, but yours. I know, Lord that there are even Christians who will disagree with my way of serving You. I just want to be like Jesus and You are so tearing down the sides of the box I have always had Him in. I see now that alot of the "pit" that I walked through was in preparation for this time. And I know that had I not been through it, I would never have allowed You to bust open my box. I would have retreated and found another one. You know this has been a difficult time-learning to trust You while my ideas of faith, worship and love have all been first bashed against the wall, then stripped away and reconfigured. I had always heard of You as a radical, but to really EXPERIENCE it has been something else. Forgive me for judging Your people so harshly. It's not up to me the way they live out their faith and You are most capable of convicting them of the things YOU think are wrong. Just like you do with me. Forgive me specifically for the thoughts about N****** this morning and about J*****. Even now I have to fight to keep from seething just over her name. I KNOW that is not what you would have me to do. Most of the time, I don't even realize I am doing it. I ask you to please catch me every time and remind me to pray for her and to forgive, just as you have forgiven me.
Amen

Wordless Wednesday-Concentration

2006-09-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

For more Wordless Wednesday go to 5 Minutes for Mom

My previous Wordless Wednesdays:
Intelligent Design
Mantis Meal

Belated Grandparent's Day Tribute.

2006-09-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

I would love to pay tribute to all my grandparents, but I knew my mother's parents best. Due to my parent's separation when I was 10, I don't remember much of my father's parents.

William Sylvester Goff was born in April of 1896. Josephine Constance Ford was born on the same day in April 1900. They married in 1917. He was a coal miner in Kentucky. Together they had five children.

My mom always told me that my grandfather was a hard man, but by the time I knew him, he was as soft as a kitten, having mellowed with age. I often remember him telling stories and tearing up during some of them. He had some of the funniest stories and I wish to this day somebody had thought to write them down. He played music. I remember him hooking up his amplifier and playing for us. He played guitar and had formed a brace out of coat hangers to hold his harmonica (harp as he called it) so he could play both at the same time. I remember my cousins and I kicking up our heels to his tunes after supper. I remember a song called "The Letter Edged in Red", and "The Old Rugged Cross" best. Later in life William developed Parkinson's disease and I always remember him patting me on the back with that trembling hand. Every time we would go to visit them (they lived in a two bedroom trailer), I would hear the teakettle go off in the morning meaning breakfast was ready. My grandfather would get up and cook breakfast and put the kettle on to whistle about the time the food would be done, in order to wake everyone up. As far as I know, my grandfather did this every morning for my grandmother. I just never could imagine him the way my mother remembered him. He seemed to love my grandmother dearly. When she got Alzheimer’s, he was the one who took care of her in spite of it breaking his heart.

Josephine...what I remember most about her was her LOOOOONG hair and her cooking. She had gray hair that she could sit on and kept it in a bun all day. I would ask to brush it in the evenings when she would take it down. I loved the feel of it. She was famous in our family for her homemade rolls and her cakes. She made a killer German chocolate cake. But those rolls, oh those rolls. She would let me have some of the dough and a little pan to make my own in. MMMMMMM

My grandmother's mind started failing about the time I was a teenager. I was losing interest in them and she was losing her memory of us. I went one time after she got Alzheimer’s and while she greeted us with enthusiastic friendliness, she added, "I don't know who you are, but it's always nice to have company!" I had heard of some of the strange things she had been saying and doing so it didn't really bother me. I know that she was afraid of my grandfather most of the time and this broke his heart. He loved her so much.

When I was 17, I got pregnant. It was out of wedlock and though I was being a very defiant teen, my mother was ashamed and didn't want the rest of the family to know. That was okay with me, cause inside, I was ashamed too. I was due in May of that year. I was still going to school and trying to blend in with the walls so no one would notice me. In April, William was sent to the hospital with what I assume was a heart attack. While he was there, my grandmother, who was staying with my aunt, caught some kind of viral infection and died in her sleep. A few days later, William woke up and just knew she was gone. His reason for carrying on was gone and he went home to be with her less than two weeks after her. I know it is stretching it, but just let me go on remembering them this way...My grandparents loved each other so much and their spirits were so connected, that he couldn't linger here without her.

But I never got to say goodbye to them. I had my baby and put her up for adoption and went on to college. I never cried over them, I never thought another thing about them...till I had my oldest daughter. I will never forget. I was sitting in a rocking chair singing to my baby. I just happened to start singing "The Old Rugged Cross". At some point it dawned on me what I was singing and the memory of my Grandfather overwhelmed me. I held my baby close and sang through uncontrollable, grief stricken tears. I was finally saying goodbye to them and wishing desperately they could see their latest great-grandchild. But most of all, I grieved not wanting to see them more often before they went home and that I had messed things up so much that I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Having said my goodbyes to them since, here is a photo tribute to William and Josephine Goff.

Josephine Constance Ford (April 1900-April 1983)

William Sylvester Goff (April 1896-April1983) He is the boy standing in the gate, the baby is his brother.
William and Josephine (taken around 1945)

William and Josephine (taken in 1982)

That day...

2006-09-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

I heard it from the neighbor boy. They were getting ready to move so he was home. This 14 year old boy banged on my door and said, "a plane crashed into the World Trade Center!" I didn't believe him and he urged me to turn on the TV. We didn't have cable at the time and the picture was fuzzy, but I had turned it on just it time to see the second plane crashing into the tower. Then the reports about the Pentagon, planes being hijacked, we were under attack. You don't hear about it much anymore, but I remember the reports coming in right and left, mostly rumors, of fires, more planes missing, bomb reports...it sounded like DC was being invaded. Of course we later learned that many of those reports were rumors or hoaxes, but at the time, I really felt like THIS WAS IT. I had to sit down for a minute and think.

My knee-jerk reaction was to gather my children close to me. I was sooo tempted to rush to the school to bring them all home. The only thing that stopped me was that if parents started coming to get their kids, and this wasn't real, it might frightened the kids who had to stay. It was so hard to stay away, but I made that choice early on and am glad now that I stuck by it.

I was babysitting for my best friend's daughter at that time and had to fight hard to keep that little girl from seeing my tears and feeling my panic. Because the tv signal was horrible, I had taken her and gone to the neighbor's house to watch it all. It was there that we watched the 1st tower fall. I remember we were talking and watching it fall, but it didn't really dawn on us till it was over that it had fallen. I remember foggily interupting the conversation and saying, completely without feeling or understanding of what I was saying, "it's falling". Just like that-totally deadpan-but it stopped the conversation and we all stood there in silence. For the life of me, I can't remember what the tv people were saying. I suddenly felt the urge to move. I had to get out of there. I decided to go to my mother's who was out of town, but in my panic I was having a hard time deciding what I needed to do to get there. I finally got us loade up in the care with things to entertain BF'sD. I listened to the radio as I drove. I will never forget the words, (pardon the use of words, it is a quote) "OH MY G*D! The second tower is falling! NO, no, it can't be!" I was sitting at a stop sign and couldn't go. I had burst into tears and was trying desperately to get control for BF'sD's sake.

At some point that day, I walked outside and sat in my mother's swing. Looking up at a the clearest, bluest sky I could remember, I tried to find the words to pray, but all I could muster was, "God, how can it be real? It's such a perfect day,"

I won't go on with MY reaction. My oldest daughter was the only one of my children who knew. I had to break the news to them and was amazed at how little I had to explain to them. Even my kindergartener knew about the "twin towers" in New York City. I think the most notable reaction was when I told my oldest boy-then in 8th grade. He said "nuh uh". Who COULD believe the unbelievable?

There are a couple of things that happened that day that I want to make note of that took place that day. These things were a result of the attacks, but my memory of them have been nearly drowned out by the memories of the attacks themselves. Bear with me while I record them for my own memory's sake.

The kindergarten students got out of school an hour earlier than the rest of the students here. I had gone to line up to pick up my youngest daughter. While parked in the line, I saw someone roll down their window and look out...and up. Then they got out of their car and looked up. The person behind them got out and looked up. After the 3rd or fourth person, I started looking myself. By the time I got out of the car and the reality of what was happening dawned on me, everyone was out, pointing and talking. It didn't dawn on me right away. We live under a flight path. There was a plane. HIGH up in the sky, but in that crystal clear blue, it's con trails were perfectly visible-in a sky with NO other con trails. Talk about thoughts running through your head. I mean normally we wouldn't have thought twice about a plane or con trails, but the absence of any others made a stark statement about the fact that there weren't supposed to be ANY planes up there. Of course later we would learn that it was probably a fighter in route, or maybe even Air Force One, but now I find it a perfect example of the palpable fear that we all had that day. In fact, up until that moment, I hadn't realize why the sky was so perfectly clear and blue. It was normally criss-crossed with con trails.

The second was when...SOMEwhere...in rural TN...some wise guy gas station owner got scared of the possibility of a fuel shortage and decided he was going to start profitting from it. About 5 o'clock, reports of gas prices shooting through the roof...and quick...sent enough people to the gas station, including myself, to cause very long waits. We had ended up at a little gas station with one bank of pumps and a line on each side at least 20 cars long. I remember the gas was already at $2.49 and there were rumors flying on the radio of it surging up to $5 per gallon by morning with a very real possibility of not having ANY by the end of the week. WE were there for an hour or more. I'm sure the people behind us, were happy with me cause I had a 30-something gallon van to fill.

During all of these events, I had a very real sense of us all being in this together-Community. That's what we became in the following weeks. In spite of the terribleness of that day. I loved what came from it. The events of that day were unbelievable, but what I find even moreso is that just five short years later, we have returned to status quo. How easily we forget.

More Sept. 11 stories are found at Rocks in My Dryer.

A list of trubutes to each of the 2,996 victims of 9/11

Flying jewel

2006-09-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Some photos from today

Dealing with my own fear

2006-09-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

Growing up we went to a church that was based on some very DEEP Biblical teaching. I was too young to really understand most of it at the time, but my mother assures me that the teaching she got there was "ahead of its time". I do have a few things that stuck in my mind from there, most of it I take with a skeptical grain of salt due to the fact that the pastor there went off the deep end later on...LONG story that I will have to share some time. Alot of the good that may have come from that church with me, has been negated by the fact that just as I was starting to become aware of things, relationships, and meanings, serious error had entered in and the glaring, cultish, qualities that began to take shape, were what stand out in my mind. I did take one peice with me however that after years of holding that nugget to the test of time and reality, I found truth in.

"Fear opens the door to Satan"

The only reason I can think of that this stuck with me is the fact that I was about 11 years old when I heard it being taught and it made me afraid to be afraid. Oh what a vicious cycle! My parents were going through a divorce at the time and my mother was working again. I became not only a latch-key kid, having to spend after school hours alone, but due to my mother's commute, I was also alone for a few hours in the EARLY morning hours till my dad would come take me to school. Needless to say, there was alot of opportunity to be afraid. The more afraid I was, the more afraid I would be that Satan or demons would come inside me. At least in the mind of a 10 or 11 year old child that's how it seemed.

As I matured, that phrase began to take on a new meaning for me. I experienced as an adult, a night or two of waking up in a cold sweat, feeling the URGENT need to pray for someone or something. The problem was that I had dreamed something terrifying leading up to that wakefulness, that left me feeling paralyzed-afraid even to breath, much less whisper a prayer. It was after a couple of these experiences that I realized that God wanted me to pray, but Satan did NOT. What was the weapon he used? FEAR.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that fear almost always has that effect in varying degrees. Whether we are petrified and rendered immobile, or simply avoid doing something we want to do because there is a measure of fear involved, in fear, Satan has a tool with which to render the strongest in the faith, useless to God.

"Fear opens the door to Satan"

Now I am pretty sure that this term was used in the discussion of demonic powers. I am skeptical about the ability for demons to enter a Christian. How can a demon live in someone that Jesus lives in. My faulty memory may have served to imply that meaning anyway. But certainly, I do believe that certain fears DO attach themselves to us. I use the personification of fear as an analogy. I once imagined it being like a little demon-like, winged creature sitting on our heads with its claws sunk into our brains.

Certainly we have childhood fears we carry with us into adulthood, but there are also the fears we develop as a result of being hurt-either physically or emotionally. Those fears are not easily shaken. They do indeed feel at times, especially if we are aware that it is fear that is driving us or holding us back, like it has its claws sunk into us.

Which brings me to the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Now this is the scripture I learned as a child. The King James Version. I still memorize KJV because the poetic sound to it makes it easier to memorize, but not neccessarily easier to understand. Needless to say, as a child, I did not find those moments that I was afraid to be anything near a "sound mind" experience. I just didn't get it. The New American Standard Version says, "For God has not given us a (A)spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." and the New International Version says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of SELF-discipline."

Okay, what the hey has discipline, much less SELF-discipline have to do with overcoming fear? Power I get. I mean if we are to wrestle "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"(Eph. 6:12), we are going to need some power, right? Love is always a great motivator. I mean, to fear death is a pretty natural fear, but who doesn't love someone enough that they would die for them? If not your spouse, then certainly you would give up your own life to save your child's life. But self-discipline...???

Now some of you may have already seen the connection, but I am a bit thicker than that. Maybe is was just that I didn't WANT to see the connection. After reading this article by Pastor David Moore, I finally got it. "Courage isn't the abscence of fear, it's the commitment to continue." Isn't a commitment to continue, self-discipline? And certainly, when you overcome fear by committing to continue, isn't that same fear replaced with a sound mind? I am stretching a bit in order to convey the thought. I understand it in my own mind, but sometimes I just can't organize the thought processes enough to make all the connections when trying to explain.

To put this in context, I will refer back to this post. I do fear success even in the photography I love so much. There is still so much I don't know, so much to learn yet. I have a working knowledge, but I don't just want to be a run-of-the-mill studio photographer. That's where the money is unless you get recognition enough to start working for publications or for agencies. I look at Anne Geddes and am so in awe and so overwhelmed. Then I think about my age and realize what a late start I am getting. WOW. Should I even try? I could put that time and energy into my kids and hope that one of them will develop my passion for photography at an early age so I can live vicariously through them. Do I really have time enough to develop the kind of talent I WANT to have? Fear, plain and simple. I can talk myself out of anything. I mean, I never wanted anything so bad as I do success in this, but the idea that I may finish what I'm doing and still not be any better, or that I may eventually get better and have my own studio and equipment and not have the sticktoitivness.

I have written here in the past about finally realizing success won't come to me, I have to DO something to make it happen. So in an amazing, sudden burst of courage,(the kind defined above), I started trying to set some things in motion. Each step I took, it would seem that God was matching my stride. Now each time I took a step and God helped, I DID experience a sound mind. Then fear would creep back in and I'd have to start the process all over again. I am looking at the end of the initial process and starting to feel that urge to "give up, it's not going to work out anyway". So the next step, as I understand it, is to commit to keep on.

Hopefully, my next post of substance will be on the process of disciplining myself. If I can discipline myself enough to do it. :-)

A poem to go with my pictures-Actually I wrote this YEARS ago.

2006-09-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

The small ant crawls through grass so tall
Cattle graze as farmer watches them all
Farmer wipes his brow under blazing sun
Planets encircle, paths never undone
More stars so far yet a galaxy make
Beyond a void so vast and great
The universe our minds can’t comprehend
All in the hands of God for eternity to spend.

The mighty One with his finger stirs
The cosmos flows seemingly in a blur
Each galaxy's path in constant motion
Stars pass like distant ships on the ocean
The world circles defining a year
Day and night seem so fast from here
Man wakes and sleeps by it all
For Him, not one detail is too small.

©2006 Joy E. Meade

Wordless Wednesday-Mantis Meal

2006-09-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.
Yeah, he's chowing on a sweat bee. If you can handle blood and guts, click on it to see it full size. You can even see the bee butt in his "hands" and the "scraps" on the flower petals.

Wordless Wednesday 1-Intelligent Design