Friday, September 8, 2006
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Dealing with my own fear
Growing up we went to a church that was based on some very DEEP Biblical teaching. I was too young to really understand most of it at the time, but my mother assures me that the teaching she got there was "ahead of its time". I do have a few things that stuck in my mind from there, most of it I take with a skeptical grain of salt due to the fact that the pastor there went off the deep end later on...LONG story that I will have to share some time. Alot of the good that may have come from that church with me, has been negated by the fact that just as I was starting to become aware of things, relationships, and meanings, serious error had entered in and the glaring, cultish, qualities that began to take shape, were what stand out in my mind. I did take one peice with me however that after years of holding that nugget to the test of time and reality, I found truth in.
"Fear opens the door to Satan"
The only reason I can think of that this stuck with me is the fact that I was about 11 years old when I heard it being taught and it made me afraid to be afraid. Oh what a vicious cycle! My parents were going through a divorce at the time and my mother was working again. I became not only a latch-key kid, having to spend after school hours alone, but due to my mother's commute, I was also alone for a few hours in the EARLY morning hours till my dad would come take me to school. Needless to say, there was alot of opportunity to be afraid. The more afraid I was, the more afraid I would be that Satan or demons would come inside me. At least in the mind of a 10 or 11 year old child that's how it seemed.
As I matured, that phrase began to take on a new meaning for me. I experienced as an adult, a night or two of waking up in a cold sweat, feeling the URGENT need to pray for someone or something. The problem was that I had dreamed something terrifying leading up to that wakefulness, that left me feeling paralyzed-afraid even to breath, much less whisper a prayer. It was after a couple of these experiences that I realized that God wanted me to pray, but Satan did NOT. What was the weapon he used? FEAR.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that fear almost always has that effect in varying degrees. Whether we are petrified and rendered immobile, or simply avoid doing something we want to do because there is a measure of fear involved, in fear, Satan has a tool with which to render the strongest in the faith, useless to God.
"Fear opens the door to Satan"
Now I am pretty sure that this term was used in the discussion of demonic powers. I am skeptical about the ability for demons to enter a Christian. How can a demon live in someone that Jesus lives in. My faulty memory may have served to imply that meaning anyway. But certainly, I do believe that certain fears DO attach themselves to us. I use the personification of fear as an analogy. I once imagined it being like a little demon-like, winged creature sitting on our heads with its claws sunk into our brains.
Certainly we have childhood fears we carry with us into adulthood, but there are also the fears we develop as a result of being hurt-either physically or emotionally. Those fears are not easily shaken. They do indeed feel at times, especially if we are aware that it is fear that is driving us or holding us back, like it has its claws sunk into us.
Which brings me to the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Now this is the scripture I learned as a child. The King James Version. I still memorize KJV because the poetic sound to it makes it easier to memorize, but not neccessarily easier to understand. Needless to say, as a child, I did not find those moments that I was afraid to be anything near a "sound mind" experience. I just didn't get it. The New American Standard Version says, "For God has not given us a (A)spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." and the New International Version says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of SELF-discipline."
Okay, what the hey has discipline, much less SELF-discipline have to do with overcoming fear? Power I get. I mean if we are to wrestle "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"(Eph. 6:12), we are going to need some power, right? Love is always a great motivator. I mean, to fear death is a pretty natural fear, but who doesn't love someone enough that they would die for them? If not your spouse, then certainly you would give up your own life to save your child's life. But self-discipline...???
Now some of you may have already seen the connection, but I am a bit thicker than that. Maybe is was just that I didn't WANT to see the connection. After reading this article by Pastor David Moore, I finally got it. "Courage isn't the abscence of fear, it's the commitment to continue." Isn't a commitment to continue, self-discipline? And certainly, when you overcome fear by committing to continue, isn't that same fear replaced with a sound mind? I am stretching a bit in order to convey the thought. I understand it in my own mind, but sometimes I just can't organize the thought processes enough to make all the connections when trying to explain.
To put this in context, I will refer back to this post. I do fear success even in the photography I love so much. There is still so much I don't know, so much to learn yet. I have a working knowledge, but I don't just want to be a run-of-the-mill studio photographer. That's where the money is unless you get recognition enough to start working for publications or for agencies. I look at Anne Geddes and am so in awe and so overwhelmed. Then I think about my age and realize what a late start I am getting. WOW. Should I even try? I could put that time and energy into my kids and hope that one of them will develop my passion for photography at an early age so I can live vicariously through them. Do I really have time enough to develop the kind of talent I WANT to have? Fear, plain and simple. I can talk myself out of anything. I mean, I never wanted anything so bad as I do success in this, but the idea that I may finish what I'm doing and still not be any better, or that I may eventually get better and have my own studio and equipment and not have the sticktoitivness.
I have written here in the past about finally realizing success won't come to me, I have to DO something to make it happen. So in an amazing, sudden burst of courage,(the kind defined above), I started trying to set some things in motion. Each step I took, it would seem that God was matching my stride. Now each time I took a step and God helped, I DID experience a sound mind. Then fear would creep back in and I'd have to start the process all over again. I am looking at the end of the initial process and starting to feel that urge to "give up, it's not going to work out anyway". So the next step, as I understand it, is to commit to keep on.
Hopefully, my next post of substance will be on the process of disciplining myself. If I can discipline myself enough to do it. :-)
"Fear opens the door to Satan"
The only reason I can think of that this stuck with me is the fact that I was about 11 years old when I heard it being taught and it made me afraid to be afraid. Oh what a vicious cycle! My parents were going through a divorce at the time and my mother was working again. I became not only a latch-key kid, having to spend after school hours alone, but due to my mother's commute, I was also alone for a few hours in the EARLY morning hours till my dad would come take me to school. Needless to say, there was alot of opportunity to be afraid. The more afraid I was, the more afraid I would be that Satan or demons would come inside me. At least in the mind of a 10 or 11 year old child that's how it seemed.
As I matured, that phrase began to take on a new meaning for me. I experienced as an adult, a night or two of waking up in a cold sweat, feeling the URGENT need to pray for someone or something. The problem was that I had dreamed something terrifying leading up to that wakefulness, that left me feeling paralyzed-afraid even to breath, much less whisper a prayer. It was after a couple of these experiences that I realized that God wanted me to pray, but Satan did NOT. What was the weapon he used? FEAR.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that fear almost always has that effect in varying degrees. Whether we are petrified and rendered immobile, or simply avoid doing something we want to do because there is a measure of fear involved, in fear, Satan has a tool with which to render the strongest in the faith, useless to God.
"Fear opens the door to Satan"
Now I am pretty sure that this term was used in the discussion of demonic powers. I am skeptical about the ability for demons to enter a Christian. How can a demon live in someone that Jesus lives in. My faulty memory may have served to imply that meaning anyway. But certainly, I do believe that certain fears DO attach themselves to us. I use the personification of fear as an analogy. I once imagined it being like a little demon-like, winged creature sitting on our heads with its claws sunk into our brains.
Certainly we have childhood fears we carry with us into adulthood, but there are also the fears we develop as a result of being hurt-either physically or emotionally. Those fears are not easily shaken. They do indeed feel at times, especially if we are aware that it is fear that is driving us or holding us back, like it has its claws sunk into us.
Which brings me to the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Now this is the scripture I learned as a child. The King James Version. I still memorize KJV because the poetic sound to it makes it easier to memorize, but not neccessarily easier to understand. Needless to say, as a child, I did not find those moments that I was afraid to be anything near a "sound mind" experience. I just didn't get it. The New American Standard Version says, "For God has not given us a (A)spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." and the New International Version says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of SELF-discipline."
Okay, what the hey has discipline, much less SELF-discipline have to do with overcoming fear? Power I get. I mean if we are to wrestle "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"(Eph. 6:12), we are going to need some power, right? Love is always a great motivator. I mean, to fear death is a pretty natural fear, but who doesn't love someone enough that they would die for them? If not your spouse, then certainly you would give up your own life to save your child's life. But self-discipline...???
Now some of you may have already seen the connection, but I am a bit thicker than that. Maybe is was just that I didn't WANT to see the connection. After reading this article by Pastor David Moore, I finally got it. "Courage isn't the abscence of fear, it's the commitment to continue." Isn't a commitment to continue, self-discipline? And certainly, when you overcome fear by committing to continue, isn't that same fear replaced with a sound mind? I am stretching a bit in order to convey the thought. I understand it in my own mind, but sometimes I just can't organize the thought processes enough to make all the connections when trying to explain.
To put this in context, I will refer back to this post. I do fear success even in the photography I love so much. There is still so much I don't know, so much to learn yet. I have a working knowledge, but I don't just want to be a run-of-the-mill studio photographer. That's where the money is unless you get recognition enough to start working for publications or for agencies. I look at Anne Geddes and am so in awe and so overwhelmed. Then I think about my age and realize what a late start I am getting. WOW. Should I even try? I could put that time and energy into my kids and hope that one of them will develop my passion for photography at an early age so I can live vicariously through them. Do I really have time enough to develop the kind of talent I WANT to have? Fear, plain and simple. I can talk myself out of anything. I mean, I never wanted anything so bad as I do success in this, but the idea that I may finish what I'm doing and still not be any better, or that I may eventually get better and have my own studio and equipment and not have the sticktoitivness.
I have written here in the past about finally realizing success won't come to me, I have to DO something to make it happen. So in an amazing, sudden burst of courage,(the kind defined above), I started trying to set some things in motion. Each step I took, it would seem that God was matching my stride. Now each time I took a step and God helped, I DID experience a sound mind. Then fear would creep back in and I'd have to start the process all over again. I am looking at the end of the initial process and starting to feel that urge to "give up, it's not going to work out anyway". So the next step, as I understand it, is to commit to keep on.
Hopefully, my next post of substance will be on the process of disciplining myself. If I can discipline myself enough to do it. :-)
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
A poem to go with my pictures-Actually I wrote this YEARS ago.
The small ant crawls through grass so tall
Cattle graze as farmer watches them all
Farmer wipes his brow under blazing sun
Planets encircle, paths never undone
More stars so far yet a galaxy make
Beyond a void so vast and great
The universe our minds can’t comprehend
All in the hands of God for eternity to spend.
The mighty One with his finger stirs
The cosmos flows seemingly in a blur
Each galaxy's path in constant motion
Stars pass like distant ships on the ocean
The world circles defining a year
Day and night seem so fast from here
Man wakes and sleeps by it all
For Him, not one detail is too small.
©2006 Joy E. Meade
Wordless Wednesday-Mantis Meal
For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.
Yeah, he's chowing on a sweat bee. If you can handle blood and guts, click on it to see it full size. You can even see the bee butt in his "hands" and the "scraps" on the flower petals.
Wordless Wednesday 1-Intelligent Design
Yeah, he's chowing on a sweat bee. If you can handle blood and guts, click on it to see it full size. You can even see the bee butt in his "hands" and the "scraps" on the flower petals.
Wordless Wednesday 1-Intelligent Design
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
This is what I've found on Starbucks
http://www.starbucks.com/aboutus/diversity.asp
Seattle Times article
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=21387
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=45694
Aside from the fact that my daughter has been working for them for almost 2 years, is a shift super and soon to be asst. mgr., has been through pretty extensive training and forum sessions with corporate people and has been told that Starbucks does not corporately support controversial social causes, this was all I could find on the subject. None of which says "WE DO NOT SUPPORT THE GAY AGENDA" or "WE DO". There could be some ambiguous enough wording in there to go either way.
Decide for yourself. Personally, I don't go there enough to really worry about it and my daughter brings home a free pound of beans every week, so I'm not really pursuing the issue. But there again, please don't just stop going. If you want to make a difference-tell them you are leaving them and why. Otherwise, your missing $4 won't be so missed or will be attributed to the economy.
Seattle Times article
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=21387
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=45694
Aside from the fact that my daughter has been working for them for almost 2 years, is a shift super and soon to be asst. mgr., has been through pretty extensive training and forum sessions with corporate people and has been told that Starbucks does not corporately support controversial social causes, this was all I could find on the subject. None of which says "WE DO NOT SUPPORT THE GAY AGENDA" or "WE DO". There could be some ambiguous enough wording in there to go either way.
Decide for yourself. Personally, I don't go there enough to really worry about it and my daughter brings home a free pound of beans every week, so I'm not really pursuing the issue. But there again, please don't just stop going. If you want to make a difference-tell them you are leaving them and why. Otherwise, your missing $4 won't be so missed or will be attributed to the economy.
Where does my money go?
I am very active politically, but I try to keep it out of my blog. However, when something disturbs me deeply, I do want to share it.
While I do stay active in the political arena, I don't often boycott. However, I spend enough money at this place to want to change my spending habits. It seems that Wal-Mart has jumped on the gay marraige band wagon. I am passionately involved in changing the way church percieves homosexuals. They are individuals bound by a sin that is so incredibly addictive that instead of trying to get free, they try to make it "normal". However, I fundamentally disagree with the gay agenda. If Wal-mart continues down this path, that is their choice, but I don't have to give them my hard earned money to help them do so.
Please understand that if you choose to remove your business from Wal-Mart, it will do no good if you do not tell them you are doing that and why. Talk to your store manager face to face or on the phone AND contact the corporate office either by phone or e-mail. BE POLITE. Combativeness only makes people dig in their heels.
For those of you who believe that Starbucks is also in on this agenda, I have been doing some research. It is inconclusive at this point, but I can tell you with some assurity that Starbucks corporate does not endorse or support any social issue or organization that seeks to do so. However, Starbucks stores on the local level are given free reign to donate to any organization they deem fit. I don't doubt that the local Starbucks in San Fransisco and other highly homosexually populated areas does heavily support such causes. I hope to post some more concrete evidence of this soon.
I don't endorse a boycott, but I do encourage one. I do endorse making your opinions known. Without a boycott, they will see no reason to change. It will be a hard one for someone like me who is in there ALMOST daily. I will however be removing as much of my business from Wally World as possible. The idea is that they (NGLCC) want to try to get so many businesses and corporations on board that it will be impossible for us to boycott. I do not want to help them succeed.
While I do stay active in the political arena, I don't often boycott. However, I spend enough money at this place to want to change my spending habits. It seems that Wal-Mart has jumped on the gay marraige band wagon. I am passionately involved in changing the way church percieves homosexuals. They are individuals bound by a sin that is so incredibly addictive that instead of trying to get free, they try to make it "normal". However, I fundamentally disagree with the gay agenda. If Wal-mart continues down this path, that is their choice, but I don't have to give them my hard earned money to help them do so.
Please understand that if you choose to remove your business from Wal-Mart, it will do no good if you do not tell them you are doing that and why. Talk to your store manager face to face or on the phone AND contact the corporate office either by phone or e-mail. BE POLITE. Combativeness only makes people dig in their heels.
For those of you who believe that Starbucks is also in on this agenda, I have been doing some research. It is inconclusive at this point, but I can tell you with some assurity that Starbucks corporate does not endorse or support any social issue or organization that seeks to do so. However, Starbucks stores on the local level are given free reign to donate to any organization they deem fit. I don't doubt that the local Starbucks in San Fransisco and other highly homosexually populated areas does heavily support such causes. I hope to post some more concrete evidence of this soon.
I don't endorse a boycott, but I do encourage one. I do endorse making your opinions known. Without a boycott, they will see no reason to change. It will be a hard one for someone like me who is in there ALMOST daily. I will however be removing as much of my business from Wally World as possible. The idea is that they (NGLCC) want to try to get so many businesses and corporations on board that it will be impossible for us to boycott. I do not want to help them succeed.
Monday, September 4, 2006
Fear, the generational curse.
I never thought of myself as afraid. At least not until the last year or so. That's when I started realizing that I had put all my dreams on hold, not becuase I had to, but because I was afraid. I wasn't just afraid of failure, I was afraid of success! I had heard of this phenomenom before and never really understood it. Now I know. I have started many educational and business endeavors over the years, always quitting just shy of completion or realization of any success. I used the kids and finances as excuses but I have learned that they were JUST excuses. I just didn't know what I would do with it when I completed it. Success would mean that I had to commit. Success would mean that I would have to put what I had gained to use. I have learned that while I enjoy school and would really like to work. It's just not something I want to commit to doing the same thing all the time or sticking to a schedule. I have an artists mentality even though I am no artist. I love raising my kids and following whatever whim I wake up with. But I am truly afraid of being tied to any one thing. If I were a guy, I'd be labeled shiftless or worse. I can get by with some level of respectability as a homeschooling mother. I love the flexibilty of following bunny trails. I love having the excuse to learn myself, without having to commit to pursuing a degree. I love not having to stick to one single area of study. I just wish there was some way to make money with this penchant for flightiness. I am committed however to pursuing my photography with all the creativity and flexibility in scheduling that it promises. My fear with it is the intense competition that comes with the readily and economically available semi-pro camera equipment out there. I am so fearful of this that I tend to withdraw from the photographic community that has so much for me to learn from. I yearn for a mentor, yet jealously guard what I have learned myself. I struggle to push away from these bents in my personality. I do not have youth as my ally any longer, so the younger, up and coming photogs terrify me. Especially when they go off on a tangent about exposure information that I have to really think about to catch it all. I am just really slow when they start throwing numbers around.
Today, we cooked out and had my mother over. She and I began discussing something about her and my grandmother. There was a theme in what she was saying, but I didn't catch it until later tonight when I was talking to my son. He's 12, a 7th grader. I found out about the National History Day last year, too late to participate, so I have been sitting on it till now. Tonight I printed out the info to show him. My son is a history buff. It's right up his alley to do this competition. But I hadn't taken into account one thing. FEAR. My son is deathly afraid to...SUCCEED! Although his, is based on the fact that he would rather die than speak. I can't blame him. While I am not petrified by the idea anymore, I too have always been one to avoid speaking like the plague. But he stutters. He has more of a reason to be afraid. I tried to point out to him that he could do a display or a documentary on DVD, where anyone could do the voiceover, but the thought that if he won, he might have to say something in front of people so frightened him that he wouldn't even consider it. I was terribly dissapointed because I kept thinking about all the fun it would be to do the research. Then I remembered what my mom and I were talking about.
My grandmother was afraid of almost everything, she was always afraid she would make the wrong choices. She was afraid of it to the point where she let my grandfather make EVERY decision. Not that she just submitted to him, but she would not take part at all in the decision process. The result of this was that my mother and her siblings thought of their father as oppressive to her. The girls in the family ended up with poor attitudes about men and a determination not to be "lorded" over by them. The boys all learned to run their households with a hard hand and went through marraige after marraige as the women in their lives would quickly grow tired of it.
My mother was always afraid of sin. Her father's strictness lended in part to this in that she feared God. Not in the respectful way, but in that she saw Him as waiting for her to screw up so he could back hand her. She was so worried that anything she did would lead to sin, that she ended up marrying my father, just to keep from it. They broke up when I was 10.
So now I have passed my fear on to the next generation. It may be too late for me to correct it, but I think I can make my children aware of this so they can combat it. They won't have to wait till they are in their late 30's just to see the problem.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
Funny that just yesterday, Pastor spoke on self-discipline which I have already clued you in that I severely lack. So for the next few days, this is going to be my topic for study. I hope to write more about what I learn. It is my prayer that my son is willing to learn this with me and maybe even open up to the idea of stretching himself.
Today, we cooked out and had my mother over. She and I began discussing something about her and my grandmother. There was a theme in what she was saying, but I didn't catch it until later tonight when I was talking to my son. He's 12, a 7th grader. I found out about the National History Day last year, too late to participate, so I have been sitting on it till now. Tonight I printed out the info to show him. My son is a history buff. It's right up his alley to do this competition. But I hadn't taken into account one thing. FEAR. My son is deathly afraid to...SUCCEED! Although his, is based on the fact that he would rather die than speak. I can't blame him. While I am not petrified by the idea anymore, I too have always been one to avoid speaking like the plague. But he stutters. He has more of a reason to be afraid. I tried to point out to him that he could do a display or a documentary on DVD, where anyone could do the voiceover, but the thought that if he won, he might have to say something in front of people so frightened him that he wouldn't even consider it. I was terribly dissapointed because I kept thinking about all the fun it would be to do the research. Then I remembered what my mom and I were talking about.
My grandmother was afraid of almost everything, she was always afraid she would make the wrong choices. She was afraid of it to the point where she let my grandfather make EVERY decision. Not that she just submitted to him, but she would not take part at all in the decision process. The result of this was that my mother and her siblings thought of their father as oppressive to her. The girls in the family ended up with poor attitudes about men and a determination not to be "lorded" over by them. The boys all learned to run their households with a hard hand and went through marraige after marraige as the women in their lives would quickly grow tired of it.
My mother was always afraid of sin. Her father's strictness lended in part to this in that she feared God. Not in the respectful way, but in that she saw Him as waiting for her to screw up so he could back hand her. She was so worried that anything she did would lead to sin, that she ended up marrying my father, just to keep from it. They broke up when I was 10.
So now I have passed my fear on to the next generation. It may be too late for me to correct it, but I think I can make my children aware of this so they can combat it. They won't have to wait till they are in their late 30's just to see the problem.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
Funny that just yesterday, Pastor spoke on self-discipline which I have already clued you in that I severely lack. So for the next few days, this is going to be my topic for study. I hope to write more about what I learn. It is my prayer that my son is willing to learn this with me and maybe even open up to the idea of stretching himself.
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