Monday, August 24, 2009


I just can't seem to get anything done today. I simply am not motivated to do anything but play with my computer. I have several things I NEED to accomplish before I go back to school, but at this rate, there is no way it will happen.

This blog entry is nothing more than putting off what I need to do. Thus the title.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I Miss Writing

Writing used to come so easy to me. Sometimes, I would sit to write something and the words would come spilling out of me. I even had times when I felt that my fingers couldn't move fast enough to capture all the words falling out of my head. Much of what I typed seemed to come straight from God. It was wonderful. I loved it. It was a form of expression for me that I thrived on.

Now it's a little different. I often get a snippet or phrase that comes to me that I want to write down, but am not in a place where I can. The thought is often gone long before I am in a place where I can capture it. Then to actually make myself sit still long enough to expound on any thought is almost as hard as having a thought to expound upon.

I know that ideas are still in me somewhere, and I pray that God bring all those thoughts that I felt were worth capturing, back around for me to actually do so. I have always felt that words, once let out, were like part of us that live on forever. Certainly I felt this way about written words, but I also feel that way about spoken words. Matthew 12:36 says that we will hold account for every careless word. Somehow I imagine every word we write or speak, floating around out there in space for God to catch and save for us. I think of the opposite of that scripture as being that we will be praised for the good words we say or write. That if he saves the bad ones for us to account for, then surely the good ones are saved for our benefit.

Besides what the Bible says, I have read that sound waves go on forever. I've even read about some that believe if a such a receiver could be devised, that we could capture ancient words and listen in on conversations from across time. It's a fanciful and imaginative idea, but I kind of like the idea that what we speak today may be heard hundreds of years from now. This can't even begin to compare with the ideas I have about the written word. I mean think about the authors of the dead sea scrolls. Do you think they ever imagined that there words would be such a source of mystery so long after they are gone? To me, it's almost like letting a part of me get away if I can't save what I have written.

So now, to not even seem to be able to put any words together is painful. It has always been such a part of me. It has never mattered much to me about whether people reading it liked it as it was that I was able to get words out. I have read the Five Love Languages and I am very much a "words" person. I speak love with words and I HEAR love through words. (I'm also a gifts person, so write me a letter, something with words that I can hold in my hands, and I am a VERY happy girl). I know that you service/touch/quality time people could never understand this, but being able to write-to set my words free-is very much like eating good food to me. I don't have to have it to live, but it sure makes the things I do have to do, more enjoyable. The words I have written in the past are important enough to me that I do things to protect them and feel a loss if they are destroyed. I don't suppose it is the actual word that I mourn so much as the idea behind it, but if the words are gone, I feel the idea is lost as well.

I do feel that someday the block will be removed and God will once again allow me to form a decent, formal thought long enough to put it on paper, or in this case, in my computer's memory. But till then, I will just keep trying periodically to force the action with the hope that the inspiration will follow and in turn, more action will come on its own.

Hopefully, this will happen before school starts back so I can put it to use in my writing assignments. Did I mention that writing used to come easy to me? Oh yeah, I used to be able to BS a paper without even thinking about it. Not anymore.

Where's my Pell Grant?

I got my financial aid award letter earlier this summer and it said I had a $488 Pell Grant. I just got a letter from the school saying "changes had been made" to my award and I needed to log in to see what they were. Well...MY PELL GRANT IS GONE! Why? How? I thought Obama was supposed to save us all not sink us further in to debt!!! UGH!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

New Year

To me, the beginning of the new school year is more of a time for "resolutions" than January 1. I always see it as a new beginning. I always make promises to myself to be more organized, more disciplined, and quite frankly, BETTER. This year is no exception to the rule with the added pressure of actually beginning a new career track for myself. If ever I needed to be more organized and disciplined, NOW is the time. I haven't taken a full load of university level courses in 25 years. I definitely haven't tried juggling a full time course load AND a job. So in the next few weeks, I am going to have to become organized to a level that I have never before achieved.

I've got my fingers crossed.