Monday, November 6, 2006

Not quite time...

Several years ago, I felt the urging of God to tell my story. He even brought a couple of people to me to tell it to. Both of them said, "You have GOT to tell this story!" They went on to say that there was healing in the telling and yeas, each time I told it, I felt I owned it a little less. It was a great feeling. But it is a story of a VERY sensitive nature, so I had to be careful who I shared it with. I knew there would be some that would simply be too shocked to hear it...and some who would be terribly hurt, like my mother and, well, any of my family for that matter. It was such a good feeling to let go of it each time I told it though, that I really did have to make myself wait to tell it and seek God first, so I wouldn't tell it to the wrong people. As it is, I have shared it in it's entirety to exactly 4 people. Three of whom were put in the position of hearing it for accountability reasons, one was to hear it to build trust between us. She learned from it that if I could share that with her, she could talk to me. There are two others who know generalities who are in Spiritual authority over me-both men, and I believe that is the reason they are only to know generalities.

Then there is one who knows the story, the whole story, but without all the gory details. Telling her was a defining moment for me. I really felt that this particular telling of it was preparation for writing it and sharing publicly. The hearer was my oldest daughter. Sharing it opened her eyes to some of the dynamics of our family and gave her a new, deepened respect for her father. Yes, I think it even brought us closer together because I think she felt priviledged to be allowed to hear this information. She was probably the least judgemental of anyone else I had told. No, no one made me feel bad, but I do think their idea of who I am was changed considerably. Actually, when my daughter heard it, it was like a light went on in her mind and she seemed to understand me better as well as some of the events in our family that had never been explained.

I have mentioned here that I had a story-a past-that most people would frown upon. I have mentioned that I have dealt with sin in my younger days as most, but again also in my adult years. I have also mentioned here that I never really saw the second round of this mess coming, nor do I know how or why it happened. Amazingly, each time I have told the story seemed like it was less and less about me. I was removed from the events further and further each time I shared it. Now, I truly can't imagine that it was really ME. I could describe it as dying a little to it each time I told it. It was like cutting it away from myself like cutting the fat away from a piece of meat. It was freeing. Each time it seemed God ordained and felt GOOD to get it out in the open. I was heavy with the thought that sharing it more publicly was coming soon-like a pregnant woman about to give birth. I was excited, but frightened too.

Over the last few weeks, I feel that God has released me from that heaviness. Not that I am never going to tell my story, but not now. It's not quite time. I thank God for holding me back. I was very close to posting it all here. I do believe there are people that need to hear it. I do believe in being transparent. If anyone asks me, I will tell them. But I don't believe that EVERYone can handle it, just like there are some things, that if someone told me they do or did, I would not be able to handle it. (there's not much that can shake me, but I am sure there are some things) I believe to subject them to it could be a stumbling block for them. And I believe God has been speaking to me that not everyone has to know everything. It's the past and I need to release it as such.

So this is where I stand right now. This is what I have been mulling over during the last few days that I haven't posted. There is another topic I will address too that has been rising to the surface over these last few days. I will have to write about that later on though.

For now, be encouraged to know that your past, is just that...YOUR PAST! God does not hold it in His memory any longer and does not require you to either. Perhaps your experiences may minister to someone, but God will let you know when to share and how much. Trust Him. And know grace!