This year is dry in more ways than just the weather. I am dry. In my writing, my photography, my spiritual life...I just feel dehydrated.
I think a large part of it is that while God moved so strongly in me last year. I grew so fast and I think in some ways I was over exuberant. I wondered if I did something to blackball myself, but in some very exciting places that I was figuring I would get involved, I ended up feeling like I got the cold shoulder.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep tonight thinking about it all. It's so late that I'm not sure I could possibly organize my thoughts enough to make sense. All the passion I had last year is gone and I wonder if I didn't over do. I try not to place blame, but the only thing I can think of that I may have done...it's embarassing, but I wonder if in my exuberance, I made an ass of myself. I honestly don't know.
All I know is that an organization that I had hoped to get fully involved with had welcomed me with open arms, but later started dropping me off e-mail newsletters and announcements, stopped calling, even put me off after I did a mass mailing for them and offered to do it the next time. They would say, "we'll call you" and never did. I don't think I did anything wrong. No one indicated that I had done anything wrong, but the last few times I was around I had the feeling that I was on the outside. Like everyond else knew what was going on. Eventually I didn't hear from any of them anymore.
I also had thought that another opportunity was opening up closer to home-more with my home church, but I felt like the thought there was that they didn't want to single out any individual issue, but rather address ALL needs collectively. I just don't know. Why did God lead me where He did and light such a fire in me just to have it doused?
I have moved on, but still I wonder. Moving on has meant that basically, I do nothing. I help out at church, but the passion for it isn't there. I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but I don't have a desire to do anything.
Dry, parched, desert-like. I don't feel that I am far from God or even stagnant for that matter. I just feel dried up and withering like my plants outside.
Speaking of my plants, we need rain bad. I've never seen it go so long without rain in Tennessee and I've lived here all my life. I need rain in my life too. I seem to recall an old chorus that went:
Send down the rain, Lord!
Send down the rain, Lord!
Send down the latter rain!
As a young mom, I remember the fire and passion I had for being a wife and mom. My children are nearly grown now and I seem to have lost what my life was about. I am detached from life. I sleep through life. Maybe it's the diabetes talking, but truthfully, I would rather life end now that live it like this. No quality, No attachment. Dry. Truly this is a late night rant. I will feel better in the morning. But do pray for rain. Both physical and spiritual.