Farewells and Faith Building

Summer goes too fast. Now I have one married off, one having gone off to college and stayed gone for 2 years (only coming here to visit), one moving off to college on Friday, and the last two are both in high school. I just wish summer had lasted a little bit longer.

I know I am going to be a terrible empty nester. I love noise. I love the busy, crazy holidays when everyone is home and the house is messy. But the house is silent now. I find that I cannot just sit and be productive in the silence. I have to have the TV on or the radio, something to make noise in the background. I miss my babies. I wish I had loved on them a little more and yelled at them a little less.

One thing that this summer has produced is me being back at home and a renewed spiritual life. Work and school distracted me so that I had forgotten who I was. God reminded me over the summer and has proven Himself faithful once again. In spite of the rebellious, sinful nature that I tend to nurture when out of touch with Him. He has been there waiting for me to get over my stupidity and turn back to Him. At first I felt dead and like I could not reach Him. But lately I've been noticing that some very small, almost unthought prayers have been answered.

We have been needing a roof for years. It was bad. We were losing shingles. But we figured the roof was old and that the ins. company wouldn't cover it. I started jokingly praying that we would get enough of a windstorm to take the roof off, but not so much that it would damage people or contents. Well we started getting roofers stopping by the house and telling us that we had wind damage to the roof and that we could get insurance to pay for it. We weren't sure OUR insurance would pay much of anything and we were positive that they wouldn't cover it all. Shane came home from work one day in the middle of a typical Tennessee thunderstorm, complete with the gusty winds, to see every shingle on the front of the house standing straight up. By the end of the month we had a check in hand from the insurance company for the downpayment and instructions for turning in the paperwork at the end of the job to get the rest. They were going to cover it all and the age was not even taken into consideration...it was storm damage. Plus, during the floods in May, the roof had leaked and caused some minor damage to the bathroom upstairs. Kilz and paint will take care of it, but the insurance company gave us enough that if we do that work ourselves, we can upgrade to the architectual shingles and get a ridge vent! We will still have money left over! To top it all off, we had gotten gutters with the helmet on them years ago becuase we have so many trees. The insurance company is paying to have the company take them down and put them back on. The gutter company said they would clean them while they are down. So, except for having the exterior painted, our house is getting a facelift!

I had been joking-not really even believing God heard me on that prayer! I can hear Him laughing with delight as we got our surprise. Just like a father on Christmas day watching his children opening their presents.

As much as I wanted to remember them all, I have forgotten some of the smaller ones, but just a couple of days ago, Shane was running late for work and was really worried that his boss might get mad. I silently and quickly said a prayer asking that she be detained somehow and not see him come in late. Shane got to work before her! She was later than he was!

On a more serious note. Back in May, I had begun to really think about my friend in the Congo and his family, and the dangers they face there. I had recently read about how rape gangs were common in many of the African countries and the corrupt governments were powerless to stop them if not directly involved! I began to earnestly and specifically pray for his YOUNG daughter's and his wife's safety. He wrote me earlier this month about a thwarted attempt by a family member to rape his 11 year-old daughter (please pray for this family's safety with me)! I had to praise God for that one. I know He laid it on my heart to pray for them in advance of this trauma so that the enemy could be defeated. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

I have to add to this that the wedding that we were so afraid we wouldn't be able to afford, was paid for and everything that had me so worried leading up to it, fell perfectly in place-right down to the perfect weather! I don't think that one was for me though. That was for the couple that was MEANT to be together and had waited their whole lives for that moment. It was a beautiful union that deserved a beautiful day. I think God rewards the wait:)

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds as I have seen one prayer after another answered. I no longer feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and my focus during prayer time is stronger. I am more aware of what I am saying instead of just mumbling the same thing over and over again. God has stirred my soul-another answer to prayer.

So now for my questioning loved one. I pray for you the same. That God will reveal Himself to you and that Jesus will reveal Himself as One and the Same. I cannot make you believe, but I gave you to God from the beginning, and I know He is big enough to hold onto what is His. No, He won't force you, but He will woo you and I know from experience that His love is impossible to resist by those who have known it. I put you in His hands. I will love you no matter what. But know that it would break my heart to think I would not spend eternity with you in heaven. May God be with you.
I trust Him.

Questioning God

This post is going to go around and around. In other words, I don't intend to resolve anything, but rather I want to provoke thought. There are some things running around in my head these days and I don't have answers for any of it. Sometimes simply musing over issues helps to put them in place even if they aren't resolved.

Is it right to question God? Or maybe a better question is: Is it WRONG to question God? It's not that I think He will strike someone down for it, but is it disrespectful?

I watched the new Clash of the Titans last night and at the beginning of the movie a narrator explained the setting as being in a time when the gods had been silent for so long that man questioned them. Well, that's the gyst of it. I kept thinking, yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. It's not that I question the EXISTENCE of God, but it feels like He's set us here and left us to our own devices.

In the end, I still choose to believe in God as the Creator of All, Jesus Christ who died and rose again to save us and is the ONLY way to God (at the very least, it's better to err on the safe side-HE said He was the ONLY way to the Father), and in the Holy Spirit. I also believe that soon, we will all meet God and face judgement, whether there is a rapture, a tribulation or we just die of old age. My choice to believe is my faith. It isn't something that just happens. Faith is a choice. Most of things we "have faith" in are really just learned trust. But to have faith is to trust without necessarily having the past history to warrant that trust. I trust that my car will start this morning, but I have faith that I will one day be in heaven with Jesus. My car starts every morning as long as I keep it in repair, but I have no way of knowing about heaven except what is told to me by way of the Bible.

Someone very close to me is going through a questioning period right now. I've been there. You can't be a political science major and not question. This particular question is: "how do we know if Christianity is right?" Quite frankly, EVERY religion claims to be the RIGHT religion. There is a little bit of the same stuff in all of them. I've known people who have claimed to be Christian that were awful people and I wouldn't want to share any space with them in heaven. I've also known good, loving, caring people who are agnostic if not atheistic. There are times that I think that God is not as exclusive as Christians have made him. I know people who think Mother Teresa went to hell because she was Catholic and I know people who believe Ghandi is in heaven because, while he probably did not know Jesus, he had a relationship with God. I know people who firmly believe that the God of the Bible, is the same god that the Native Americans call the Great Spirit, that Muslims call Allah, and so forth. Who is right? Is it wrong to ask that question?

I have always believed that there is absolute truth. When I look at some of the customs in Biblical times, such as slavery and polygamy, that God seemingly condones (or at the least seems indifferent to) that we condemn as sin now, I wonder if there are things that are relative about God. The Bible equates homosexuality with lying. Everyone lies, yet christians today seem to put all sexual sins in a category of sins that deserve the hottest portion of hell. What about cultures that believe that sex is a natural function of the body. Will they go to hell for not having those cultural restraints? I don't know all the answers. I would like to believe that God has a failsafe for those who don't know about him or who came before Jewish law. I'd like to believe that Christians who fall are still covered by grace even if they die in their sin. I am firm in my belief that when grace is offered, it must be accepted to be recieved. It is the rejection of faith that keeps a person out of heaven. What about those who are just confused and don't really know what to believe like my friend? Is it wrong for them not to accept Jesus, because he is confused about which religion is right about God? I sure hope that God has some kind of understanding that we are human and that He has been relatively silent since the days of Paul. Sure there are miracles every day, but when God was building a nation, He spoke in an unmistakably, loud voice and backed it up in big ways. For a person who is seeking answers, Christianity can seem like an obnoxious, arrogant philosophy. The way is straight and narrow, but to a person who does not know or understand that saying, Christianity is exclusive, condescending, and condemning. Who wants to follow that?

God has called Christians to holiness, not sinners. Love will win sinners. The Holy Spirit will speak to hearts. Sinners sin, expect nothing more. But by all means, stop being a christian and be a Christian. Stop being the hypocritic, unloving stereotype of the church. Even your own are turning away because of it.

Always learning

I originally wrote this several weeks ago, but didn't post it right away. I'm so glad I wrote it down when I did because I needed to read it again! For anyone who has ever felt the urge to write something you felt God was showing you, this is your reminder to do it. I guarantee that it will help your faith to grow because when you read it later on-you see that it really was God speaking to you. It is ALWAYS confirmed.

I hope I never stop learning, but over the last 3 or 4 years, God has stretched my fundamental beliefs and taught me that while he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, people always change. His laws are the same for all, but they are applied in different ways to different people. That is hard for a girl to accept when she's always believed in absolute Truth and the inspired Word of God. There is absolute Truth in the form of Jesus Christ, but grace is not such an absolutely definable thing. Absolute Truth exists in the phrase, "ALL have sinned and fallen short." Absolute Truth exists in the availability of grace to everyone. Absolute Truth exists in the fact that ALL sins are EQUAL! What a concept! We as christians tend to make our little white lies out to be nothing while our neighbor who is shacking up is GOIN' TO HELL! Ummm, hello! Lying is a sin. Gossip is a sin, Envy and jealousy are sins. Screwing around is...nothing more than the other things...sin. And (shock!) smoking and drinking are NOT! Are those things good for you? Of course not, but they are not mentioned as sin. Other than the admonition to keep your body as a temple to the Holy Spirit and to do ALL things in moderation-not to excess, smoking is not even mentioned in the Bible and drinking is mentioned as perfectly normal and acceptable.

I have a hard time grasping those things. On a moment to moment basis, I have to be reminded.

I have realized that while I am an optimist, I am very negative. How can this be? Well, while I am always sure that everything will work out, the situation is always bad, bad, bad in the present. Unfortunately, I tend to speak the present rather than the future. I am trying to become a more positive person. So for the next few months I am going to be working on not just seeing a positive outcome, but speaking it as well. I think the negativity began as a defense mechanism. If I talk myself down, I won't get my hopes up and be dissappointed. I have GOT to stop that. I need to find the good in every situation and every person.

I have things I want my children to learn and at this point, they will only learn from example. I have to stop grieving over the things I didn't teach them that I should have and just start setting a better example of it. I am learning on a daily basis to entrust them to the Lord and trust completely in Him to draw them to Him. He is a big God. I gave them to Him before they were born and He is completely able to hold onto them. Besides, even though I didn't do a perfect job of teaching them, they do KNOW the Truth. They may question and they may rebel, but they KNOW the Truth. God's word does not return to Him void. It always produces. I have to trust the Holy Spirit to do It's work in their hearts.

A life redeemed honors God!!
1 Tim 1: 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.
16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Phil 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, 14 I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus. 15 All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.

Kudos to Josh Wooten who gave the message in church yesterday based on the previous two scriptures. Today is a new beginning.

When will I ever learn?

I am a master of jumping the gun. I cannot seem to learn the lesson about God's timing. Let me tell you about a couple of them.

26 years ago, I followed what the world projects as the "proper order of things" and went off to college right out of high school. I never even prayed about it. It was just what "you do". Somewhere during the second year, I dropped out for a boy that I thought I was in love with-Shannon Murray ****** (last name withheld). Two years after that, I had been married, abused, became a mother and was divorced (not necessarily in that order but in that amount of time). A year after that marraige was over, I met Shane. A year after that we were married. Within a year after we were married, we moved to Murray, KY. I just have to wonder what would have happened if I had skipped Shannon Murray ****** and just waited 5 or six years for Shane in Murray.

Fast forward a few years and Shane and I are looking for a new house in Murray, KY. We found an older Arts and Crafts bungalow that I simply fell in love with. It had an apartment that we felt could be easily rented out in the college town for part of the mortgage payment. The bank turned us down flat and even threw in what felt like an insult by saying that we didn't even qualify for a loan equal to what our current home was worth! I felt like my dream had died and I mourned fittingly. In fact, looking back I am embarrassed at my reaction. Wailing would be a good description but might be a little on the conservative side. Well, we ended up in Nashville a couple of years later and guess what-when we went back to Murray to close on the sale of our house, we drove by the bungalow and it was torn down! I was sick. Not for the loss of the house I loved, but for the way I had acted when God had merely been protecting us.

These are just the most apparent tales of my uncanny ability to miss God's timing. I have always been impatient with making money decisions too and those decisions have spelled near disaster for our family. But those were more subtle instances that took years to reveal themselves.

I just gotta wonder...When will I ever learn?

Kanye West-you suck

I am not really a Taylor Swift fan. She's okay, but...well anyway, Kanye, you suck. That had to be the most tasteless and rude thing I have ever seen. I hope someone does that to you someday. Better yet, I hope you NEVER win another award as long as you live.

I don't agree (am I gonna be called out?)and my suggestion for health care.

I am finding that, more and more, I am having trouble defining myself. Certainly I have deep rooted beliefs that are unshakable, but the more I learn, the more I have to refine what I believe. They are not different, just tweaked. I have always considered myself a conservative, but over the last few years, I identify less and less with the conservative crowd. I am not, nor will I ever be liberal...or is it progressive now-just another name for the same thing. It's not that my fundamental, core, beliefs have changed, but I have better learned how to define them. I have discovered that what I believe, isn't really all that conservative. If I have to place myself in a category, I have to say I am libertarian. I also find myself dividing my personal beliefs and my political beliefs. There again, they haven't changed, I have just come to know that what I believe for myself, would never work on a state-wide or national level. It isn't that what I think is right and wrong have changed, I've just realized that some people are going to go about right and wrong in a different way than I would.

When I was discovering these things about myself, I began to realize that I was loathe to disassociate myself with what I had always considered myself to be. Lately though, during all the debate over health care, I have noticed that we are all like that to a certain extent. How many people get angry over an issue just because the party they affiliate themselves with tells them to. I just think that the ability to think for ourselves is lost. Certainly it isn't taught in schools. We are given a lesson and tested over it and that becomes the extent of our knowledge. At what point do we stop letting ourselves be spoon fed information and use common sense? Why do we not question what we here on the television. Why do we vote for crooked people based on how much more crooked and hateful they can convince us that the other guy is? Why do we not think beyond the 30 second sound bite? You can't possibly learn about the issues in 30 seconds!

Have we all just become mind-numbed zombies?

That said, I will always use Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, and Sean Hannity as sources of information. I don't agree with EVERYthing they say, but I do agree with a lot of it. Even still, they have certainly done a lot more research than some of their counterparts. However, I will not follow a party line. I didn't know it, but I never really have.

To take issue with the health care situation: Nobody, I mean NOBODY thinks health care should remain status quo. It's foolish and mean to suggest that. I do believe with everything that's in me that allowing the government to have any hand other than regulating some things within the industry, is also very foolish. See regulating an industry is far less permanent than government control. Once the government starts promising free lunches, those that are actually getting the free part of that lunch, become dependent on it and you can't take it back. Then the ones who are stuck with the bill become resentful and...well, broke! And there is no way on God's green earth that Obama will ever pull any "savings" out of medicare or his butt or anything else he may say he's gonna reach into. If that were possible, it should be done ANYWAY.

As to playing partisan politics, Mr. President, you won't even let the other side have a say in the debate. Who is being partisan? I'm just calling you out on that, Mr. President. If you must do something, regulate and reform. Do not take over. Give incentives for living healthy, continue with tax incentives for health savings and allow people to carry the money over from year to year, so that if there is something elective that they want-like an adult wanting braces-they can save and plan for it. Encourage employers to purchase high deductible plans for their employees, saving the company money and covering the employee for catastrophic events and let companies compete to sell supplemental plans for those who can and want to afford it. Under no circumstances should anyone illegal be given a free ride and emergency room visits should be paid for so that it is not abused. People who are on welfare should have some of their check used to help pay for their health care. No one should get it for free because it tends to be abused and overused costing everyone more in the long run. If it costs, it will be appreciated.

I know these aren't perfect suggestions, but they are sure a heck of a lot better than what's on the table now.

Back to School and There Again

Odd title? Yes, but it is referring to the fact that I started school this week. Again. At the same school I started at 26 years ago! Memories have been flooding back like crazy. The campus has changed so much, but all the elements that were in place when I was there before are still there.

In 1983, I moved into High Rise West-now Corlew Hall. The building is gutted now with renovations, but it only serves to make the feelings i have more haunting. Every time I walk by it, I can see us sitting in the windows watching the people walk by, and of course shouting down to someone every now and then.

I haven't been inside of the University Center yet. It was the hub of all the activity back in the day and was one of the largest buildings on campus. In 1983, the two high rise dorms sat off kind of by themselves and the UC was the first building you came to as you walked toward the class buildings. Now, the UC and the high rise dorms are surrounded by classroom buildings and the UC is absolutely dwarfed by the Business and Science building that stands just on the other side of high ri...I mean Corlew. Heck, Corlew is dwarfed by the BAS with the exception that it is several floors taller. Anyway, I hardly even noticed the UC as I walked past it.

Peck Hall and Kirksey Old Main are still there, and the weirdo's still hang out at Peck Hall for some reason. It has this courtyard thing going on on the bottom floor and there was always the wierdest looking people hanging out down there. Nothing's changed there. I remember once there was a guy that hung out around Peck Hall wearing sackcloth and carrying a Cross and a HUGE "REPENT" sign. That was the only time I've ever seen that outside of a movie.

There are about 3 times more people, 5 times as many cars, and about half the parking there once was! They have a soccer field where the biggest parking lot I've ever seen once was. There is still a portion of it for the football and arena parking, but the largest portion of it is gone for the soccer stadium (Couldn't they just use the football stadium?). We used to call that parking lot BFE. I won't go into what that stood for, but we called it that because it was SO FAR AWAY from everything.

Oh and the main parking lot across from the high rise dorms is now gone. I wonder where the people in those dorms park now.

There is so much congestion on the campus now, I don't know how those who ride bikes get around. The sidewalks are packed, the streets are packed, even the classrooms are packed! I think only one of my classes is not completely full and I think the only reason for that is that it is meeting in a computer lab...it's a Spanish class! I think it may have been a last minute decision to put us in that particular room.

Well, all and all, I am happy with my classes. I'm afraid of the coursework to come, but enjoy the teachers and the content so far. There is one that talks very slow, but what he says is so interesting that it makes up for it. I just notice that I tend to get lost in the long pauses though. He asked me a question today and I was taken by surprise because I thought he had already moved on from that topic. I guess I had zoned out a bit and didn't hear part of the question. No biggie. I had the answer:-)