Sunday, March 15, 2009

Taking Stock

A friend's husband died this week and I went to the funeral. This was one of those funerals that you actually enjoy. No one is really sad except for the fact that he will be terribly missed. Everyone is absolutely sure that this man is now with Jesus, so the "funeral" is more of a celebration. Sure there are tears, but they are more a testament to how wonderful this man was rather than sadness over his passing. These are the things that I carried away with me from this funeral:

Church home and family are important. Over the last year, we have not been actively involved in a church and we have not really stayed in touch with people we called friends, at the one we left. I have really been feeling a void there lately. It left me wondering what we would do in difficult times without our "family". Now I am more convinced than ever that we NEED that family to support us in good times and bad and to be available to support them as well. We would get by without them, but it is so much easier with their love and support.

You must let your family know you love them. Sure you have to discipline your kids. Sure you can joke around with them. But it is vital for them to know you love them and are proud of them. They must be able to know when you are serious and when you are playing around. You can't let them think you are never serious because they will push too far and not respond to correction for thinking you are still teasing. Lots of hugs and warmth are imperative. Being involved in their lives is a must. Kids especially tend to think you don't care if you don't watch them accomplish and succeed.

The bond of friendship is seldom easy, but worth it. It's so hard to invite people over with the house a mess. It's even harder to get and invitation to someone else's home when you have lots of kids. So bite the bullet and clean house so company can come over. And do it LOTS of times. That's how friendships are formed-time with the people you want to be friends with. So just DO it.

Life doesn't have to be boring. All work and no play really do make for a dull existence. Go play and take family and friends with you.

Most importantly...God should be the center of our lives. If God is the center and we are grateful for what we have, and we always let people know this, people will not grieve for us when we are gone. Miss us? Yes. But grieve? Na, they will KNOW where we are.

Thank You, God, for my many blessings. Thank You for my family and the love that exists in my home. Thank You for our health and for security. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

US Bank, First Tennessee and a question

Yes this blog is going to be random for a while. Sorting things out means pulling out the junk and going through it all. So nothing deep or profound for a while. I need to chill a bit first.

It's things like this that have me so frazzled:

We were with this one bank. A large, don't-know-who-you-are-cause-your-just-a-number bank (cou-us-gh cou-bank-gh)and they charged us overdraft fees on a whole bunch of small overages after taking one large one. They could have paid the small ones first and only charged us for the one large one (one $39 fee as opposed to many). This led to months of constantly being over and being charges only to set us back even more. (No kidding this probably cost us close to a thousand dollars) When questioned about this tactic, they said it was a "customer service" so that if the large one were your mortgage, it would be paid on time. Excuse me, you're paying ALL of them and just charging me like you weren't. So what difference does it make if you pay one or the other first? Never mind that when you charge me multiple overdraft fees, you kill me financially so that I can never get on my feet again. Oh hell, I want the world to know. It was US BANK. The final straw was when they did it to my son for a measly 3 bucks. He was at school in East Tennessee and his mail is forwarded. It was 10 days before he found out about it and they charged him a freaking $9 a day on top of the $39 fee! Would not do a thing to help him. So we closed ALL of our accounts.

We then moved to First Tennessee. Now they have been real good to us except for one thing. Their bill pay sucks. When I first tried it, they took the money from your account as soon as you scheduled your payment. So I can't schedule a week out due to the fact that my money may not be in there until the day before! UGH! I get late payment fees cause I have to wait till I have money to schedule the payments, but it takes five days to pay. Okay after a year of licking my wounds from that one, I try again. It says to schedule five days out. So I schedule on a Friday to pay the next Friday with a due date on the following Tues. The money won't be there until the Friday on which I am scheduling the payment, but deposits are supposed to post before the payments right? Well, the money was withdrawn on the correct Friday, the deposit posted after the fact resulting in overdraft fees (this time only $10 each) and the payments were posted FIVE DAYS AFTER THE MONEY WAS WITHDRAWN resulting in another $39 each in late fees. After questioning this, they did refund the overdraft fees, but said their rules clearly stated to schedule payments five days out and they would NOT do anything about them. So I figure they are simply mailing my payments. I could mail my own and get them there on time without having money drawn from my account before the check arrives. They aren't helping me with anything but postage this way and if I am getting late fees everytime, they are way negating that. So I pose this question to anyone who will answer:

Do I change banks again? Or should I give them another chance? I mean, they are all out to screw you right? This is life from paycheck to paycheck. Anybody know of any banks that are fair?

I am forwarding this post to First Tennessee. I'll post whatever they reply. I am so sick of banks running the show. I still want to be fair with them, but USBank had all the time and opportunity to make things right. Stay as far away from them as you can.

Friday, February 20, 2009

On Octomom

My personal opinion? She messed up. But come on folks. Nobody has a cow about the welfare mom who keeps popping out kids just to get a bigger check so shut up and deal. At least this woman is having kids cause she loves kids. I have actually heard welfare moms say they needed to have another kid so they could get enough money to get a new car. If you aren't going to do anything about them, then leave this woman alone as well. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I hear even conservative talk shows talking about taking away this woman's babies and reporting her to child protection agencies. Hellooooooo, it ain't any of your business!

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Devil Made Me Do It.

I'm going about my business and realize I'm eating something I know I shouldn't. Didn't even think about whether or not to pick it up. Didn't even think about taking that first bite, but here I am three fourths the way through it and I'm going to regret it later. Was it habit? Impulse? Instinct? What in the world made me do it???? I mean, I might as well have been on auto mode cause I barely remembered picking it up, much less the initial thought to do so.

So, I'm going about my business and realize that I'm thinking these thoughts that I know I shouldn't. Don't even recall what it was that got me on this train of thought. Not sure why I'm even thinking such a thing. I mean the person I'm thinking about is a friend and doesn't deserve those kinds of thoughts. I know that thinking this will only make me angry and miserable. I don't even have anything to base it on. But here I am in a full blown fantasy about getting back at the person. When did I even start thinking about that person? What on earth difference does it make if those thoughts are true or not? Why am I giving time to this AT ALL?

I heard something today. "Recognize your enemy." Yeah. I let him in without even thinking about it. Gotta start working on that.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Random gems is about to become more random

I'm not even going to begin to catch up. All I will say about the last year and a half is that I haven't had a cohesive train of thought in all that time. Who can write when they can't think? But lately, those little snippets of thought that sound literary have been making random appearances in my thoughts again and I need a place to store them. So until they start making sense again, my arbitrary thoughts will be placed here. Perhaps a pattern will develop and I will find myself in them.

That being said...

my mind has gone blank.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Beloved

Lara grew up in a home that was broken. She could remember the night that her father told her mother he wanted a divorce. At the age of 9, she didn't know that's what was being said at the time, but she understood enough that it was a significant night that she remembered it in vivid detail. So her father left and remarried leaving her and her mother to fend for themselves. Between alternately hating her father so much that she wanted nothing to do with him, and loving him so much she frightened him away, Lora grew up without her dad. He had another family complete with a daughter the same age as her. But Lara's mother was good to teach her about the love of a heavenly Father and in Him she found solace and peace.

As a teenager, men were a mystery to her. She had a good head on her shoulders, loved Jesus and had committed her life and future to His will, till the mystery of men prevailed. One young man, wrapped her around his finger and unwound her ideals. He promised to love her is she would only give him what she wanted.

It all happened so fast. In one evening, she lost her virginity, her faith, and her love. At first she cried and pleaded to the boy, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. Self hatred and rebellion took over and she soon found what she thought had been ripped away could be had in the arms of another and another and another.... Each time, hope was built and crushed. She quickly learned not to trust men, but became fast addicted to the emotional rush of sex. Lara had been conquered, but she quickly learned to be the conquerer.

Lara spent the last year of high school pregnant. At the end of her senior year, she gave up her daughter to another couple who was unable to have children just in time for graduation. Still the hunger was there for the love of a man and love was by then equated with sex. All through college the hunger drove her. But still she remembered the perfect love that only Jesus could give. She yearned for it, but could no longer ignore the fleshly desires that were raging in her.

Lara had another child, married, divorced, and returned to the habit of feeding the hunger. After years of this, death was becomming a beckoning lover. Thoughts of a suicidal escape were weighing heavily on her. Remembering her First Love, she began to earnestly seek God and plead with Him for a way out. He began to pull her heartstrings and put people in her path to remind her of His love and to point the way. Finally committing to His love once again, she embraced the life she had left before, one of following God's will.

Now Lara new that there would be no earthly love for her. She had a daughter and a sordid past. No Godly man would want her, she would have no other. She resigned herself to seeking Jesus to be a husband to her. But Jesus in his infinite mercy, sent her heart's desire-a man who REALLY loved her. In their human way, they didn't go about it ALL right, but they realized that God had brought them together and married.

Years and five children later, Lara and her love lived the perfect life. Lara was fully active in church and homeschool, while her husband worked and went to school. Lara felt complete. She knew Jesus on an intimate level and loved Him deeply. Her past life haunted her and she never felt good enough for her husband, but she KNEW grace and mercy and was grateful for it.

This was her idyllic life for nearly 10 years. Then, one day, on the computer in a Christian chat room, the hunger was awakened. She began to realize how much her husband was away. She was lonely for him, and here was another man, though on the computer, available to her, talking to her, emotionally drawing her. The computer man realizing that he was doing wrong, went away. It was no longer enough. Lara had to find another, but in Christian chat rooms, they weren't readily available. So Lara began to go into adult chat rooms. Finding all the attention she could ever want, as long as she talked dirty to them, she was hooked. Chat rooms turned to private messaging, and talk of sex turned to pictures of sex. Lara had a new addiction. Men would show her pictures and tell her that's what they wanted to do with her. She could easily place herself in the image. The image itself was not important. It was the imagery in her mind of recieving that kind of attention that fed her hunger. Words would have done the same, but images were a quicker high.

Lara found herself connected to one man in particular over and over again and eventually exclusively. He feeded her high with the most determination. She went to him like a druggie goes to a dealer and he never let her down. He always had a new high for her. When "playboy" wasn't good enough anymore, he gave her "Penthouse". With each numbing of the senses, he knew just what would make her high again without shocking her to the point of waking her from her porn induced stupor. She felt like she was caught in a downward spiral, being sucked into an ever darkening, looming pit. When Lara was on the computer, she was lost in world of flesh. When she was off the computer, she was struggling with right and wrong. She would go for walks to think and end up running as if she could get away from her thoughts. Her kids practically fended for themselves. She put them back into school beacuse she could no longer focus on anything besides the addiction. She began to drop her kids off at church so she could run home and nurse her high. Friends could see there was something different, that she was acting odd. Lara's mind was always back at the computer even when she was away. Her conversations were stunted and she was forgetful.

She told no one what she was doing. No one. Who could she tell? Who would not turn away in disgust? She knew she had a problem, but in the beginning days of the internet,who knew a woman could be addicted to pornography? Who would not see that as sick and depraved?

By the time plans were made to meet the computer man, she had already sunken into depravity. There was nothing left that was off limits, no taboo had been left unexplored and to top it off, Lara had discovered that this man would kill her in order to satisfy his own hunger. This thought did not even frighten her. She welcomed it. She even goaded him. "I only ask that you let me be found and that I be found decent" she told him. She didn't want her family to keep worrying about her, but it would end the insatiable hunger that she now knew could NEVER be satisfied. All the while, while being unable to stop it herself, feeling driven to do what she knew she should not do, she would pray "God get me out of this"

The week before she was to meet the computer man. She tried to clean up the messages on her computer as she always did after talking to him about all the taboos they were about to break, but she could not access the log. She tried every day so that her husband would not find what she had said or the pictures she had seen. After the 3rd day, of not being able to delete her logs, she was worried, but figured that the things said were so indecent, her husband would question her if he had seen them. The night before she was to meet the man, she logged off and tried to delete the days messages again. It frustrated her, but she had tomorrow to look forward to...and worry about.

As she headed toward her bedroom to get some sleep, Lara could not shake the thought that she would be the next rape/torture/murder headline by the end of the week. The thought made her shudder, yet was somehow comforting. Even as she thought it, she knew that the comfort was a horrible thing to feel. "God get me out of this.!"

She climbed into bed and all was quiet except for her thoughts. After a few minutes, Lara's husband turned over and whispered, "I know what you're planning to do. I found your messages and...I was shocked" and with those words, Lara's mind exploded into a million different thought processes in an effort to come up with a reply. As different excused screamed through her brain she wanted to seethe "I don't know what you're talking about!" But above the din of her racing mind she quietly heard a small voice, "you asked Me for a way out." All the other possible replies came to a screeching halt as Lara's mind embraced this voice. She was presented with a choice and as soon as she heard the words, the decision had been made-almost as if a light had come on with the words themselves. A rush of relief washed over her and she let out an audible sigh.

"I don't want to."

Tears and shame followed, even though she'd never physically been unfaithful, in her mind the acts were as vivid as if she had. There was no difference to her. The next few days, her husband also made a choice. He became her protector, her guardian, her savior, her Hosea. She fought the urge to contact the man and failed over and over again, but each time, her husband intervened and restored her. Still never a physical encounter, Lara carried the guilt just the same.

Eventually, her husband trusted her again even though it would be several years before she could finally say she deserved it. She had no one to turn to but God, for in the early days of the internet, there was no help for a woman with the kinds of addictions Lara had. But turn to God she did, and even though she fell over and over again, She overcame and once again enjoyed the love of her husband. Now Lara, understands grace and has compassion for any who are in bondage to sin and addiction.

Through it all, Lara always felt that Jesus was trying to pull her back. She could even hear Him call to her, "My beloved". She knew his voice and tried to run and hide her face from it, much as Adam and Eve tried to do. Still she would hear Him call, "come away, My beloved. She wanted to "come", yet always felt drawn, pulled, even bound to the sin. She would cry out Paul's words, "why do I do the things I don't want to do and not do the things I WANT to do?"

Lara is God's creation, His work, His love, and He understands all she has endured and submitted herself to. He loved her through it all and though there will be many who will never understand, and may never forgive, she is still His beloved.


Rain

It just rained. For about 5 seconds. I can count on one hand how many measurable rainfalls we have had since July 1st. Exactly 2. Now in Tennessee, we have water. Lakes, rivers, creeks, just about everywhere you go there is a body of water. In the summer here, it's nothing for the humidity to be at 90-something percent. On top of that, we often push or exceed the 100 degree mark for a few days. And it rains and storms at least once a week, often violently.

This year we had next to nothing humidity and 104-110 degree weather for nearly a month. Here it is Oct. and we are still reaching nearly 90 degrees, and the humidity is creeping back up. So it is still hot, Hot, HOT! This was the driest, hottest summer on record and it has been very disconcerting.

I do believe in Global Warming, but not as the Al Gore's (who claims Tennessee as his home, but honestly never really lived here till after he LOST the election. Let's just say that Tennessee never claimed HIM. He lost in his own state. If I'm not mistaken, that's the first time that's ever happened. Feel free to correct me if you must.)of the world believe in it.

God never promised us that the earth would last, in fact, he did just the opposite and guaranteed us that the world would deteriorate. Matthew 24:7, Mark 13:8, and Luke 21:11 all make mention of famines in the end days. Revelation can leave you feeling that the world will turn itself inside out (my translation) in the last days. It WILL happen. Whether humans cause this chain of events or not doesn't make any difference. God was the One who set it all into motion. Perhaps our use of fossil fuels was God's plan to bring it about. I don't know. I am not going to advocate being a bad steward for what we have been given, but you have to use common sense with the issue as well. It would take a catastrophic event to back things up to the point where we aren't using cars and leaving as big a carbon footprint as we do now, any longer. I don't hold my breath for that, but it's not going to surprise me if it happens. I keep hearing the song "It's the end of the world as we know it" growing louder and louder. If the thought of this frightens you...comment me. I can hook you up with Someone who will comfort you.

It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!