When will I ever learn?

I am a master of jumping the gun. I cannot seem to learn the lesson about God's timing. Let me tell you about a couple of them.

26 years ago, I followed what the world projects as the "proper order of things" and went off to college right out of high school. I never even prayed about it. It was just what "you do". Somewhere during the second year, I dropped out for a boy that I thought I was in love with-Shannon Murray ****** (last name withheld). Two years after that, I had been married, abused, became a mother and was divorced (not necessarily in that order but in that amount of time). A year after that marraige was over, I met Shane. A year after that we were married. Within a year after we were married, we moved to Murray, KY. I just have to wonder what would have happened if I had skipped Shannon Murray ****** and just waited 5 or six years for Shane in Murray.

Fast forward a few years and Shane and I are looking for a new house in Murray, KY. We found an older Arts and Crafts bungalow that I simply fell in love with. It had an apartment that we felt could be easily rented out in the college town for part of the mortgage payment. The bank turned us down flat and even threw in what felt like an insult by saying that we didn't even qualify for a loan equal to what our current home was worth! I felt like my dream had died and I mourned fittingly. In fact, looking back I am embarrassed at my reaction. Wailing would be a good description but might be a little on the conservative side. Well, we ended up in Nashville a couple of years later and guess what-when we went back to Murray to close on the sale of our house, we drove by the bungalow and it was torn down! I was sick. Not for the loss of the house I loved, but for the way I had acted when God had merely been protecting us.

These are just the most apparent tales of my uncanny ability to miss God's timing. I have always been impatient with making money decisions too and those decisions have spelled near disaster for our family. But those were more subtle instances that took years to reveal themselves.

I just gotta wonder...When will I ever learn?

Kanye West-you suck

I am not really a Taylor Swift fan. She's okay, but...well anyway, Kanye, you suck. That had to be the most tasteless and rude thing I have ever seen. I hope someone does that to you someday. Better yet, I hope you NEVER win another award as long as you live.

I don't agree (am I gonna be called out?)and my suggestion for health care.

I am finding that, more and more, I am having trouble defining myself. Certainly I have deep rooted beliefs that are unshakable, but the more I learn, the more I have to refine what I believe. They are not different, just tweaked. I have always considered myself a conservative, but over the last few years, I identify less and less with the conservative crowd. I am not, nor will I ever be liberal...or is it progressive now-just another name for the same thing. It's not that my fundamental, core, beliefs have changed, but I have better learned how to define them. I have discovered that what I believe, isn't really all that conservative. If I have to place myself in a category, I have to say I am libertarian. I also find myself dividing my personal beliefs and my political beliefs. There again, they haven't changed, I have just come to know that what I believe for myself, would never work on a state-wide or national level. It isn't that what I think is right and wrong have changed, I've just realized that some people are going to go about right and wrong in a different way than I would.

When I was discovering these things about myself, I began to realize that I was loathe to disassociate myself with what I had always considered myself to be. Lately though, during all the debate over health care, I have noticed that we are all like that to a certain extent. How many people get angry over an issue just because the party they affiliate themselves with tells them to. I just think that the ability to think for ourselves is lost. Certainly it isn't taught in schools. We are given a lesson and tested over it and that becomes the extent of our knowledge. At what point do we stop letting ourselves be spoon fed information and use common sense? Why do we not question what we here on the television. Why do we vote for crooked people based on how much more crooked and hateful they can convince us that the other guy is? Why do we not think beyond the 30 second sound bite? You can't possibly learn about the issues in 30 seconds!

Have we all just become mind-numbed zombies?

That said, I will always use Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, and Sean Hannity as sources of information. I don't agree with EVERYthing they say, but I do agree with a lot of it. Even still, they have certainly done a lot more research than some of their counterparts. However, I will not follow a party line. I didn't know it, but I never really have.

To take issue with the health care situation: Nobody, I mean NOBODY thinks health care should remain status quo. It's foolish and mean to suggest that. I do believe with everything that's in me that allowing the government to have any hand other than regulating some things within the industry, is also very foolish. See regulating an industry is far less permanent than government control. Once the government starts promising free lunches, those that are actually getting the free part of that lunch, become dependent on it and you can't take it back. Then the ones who are stuck with the bill become resentful and...well, broke! And there is no way on God's green earth that Obama will ever pull any "savings" out of medicare or his butt or anything else he may say he's gonna reach into. If that were possible, it should be done ANYWAY.

As to playing partisan politics, Mr. President, you won't even let the other side have a say in the debate. Who is being partisan? I'm just calling you out on that, Mr. President. If you must do something, regulate and reform. Do not take over. Give incentives for living healthy, continue with tax incentives for health savings and allow people to carry the money over from year to year, so that if there is something elective that they want-like an adult wanting braces-they can save and plan for it. Encourage employers to purchase high deductible plans for their employees, saving the company money and covering the employee for catastrophic events and let companies compete to sell supplemental plans for those who can and want to afford it. Under no circumstances should anyone illegal be given a free ride and emergency room visits should be paid for so that it is not abused. People who are on welfare should have some of their check used to help pay for their health care. No one should get it for free because it tends to be abused and overused costing everyone more in the long run. If it costs, it will be appreciated.

I know these aren't perfect suggestions, but they are sure a heck of a lot better than what's on the table now.

Back to School and There Again

Odd title? Yes, but it is referring to the fact that I started school this week. Again. At the same school I started at 26 years ago! Memories have been flooding back like crazy. The campus has changed so much, but all the elements that were in place when I was there before are still there.

In 1983, I moved into High Rise West-now Corlew Hall. The building is gutted now with renovations, but it only serves to make the feelings i have more haunting. Every time I walk by it, I can see us sitting in the windows watching the people walk by, and of course shouting down to someone every now and then.

I haven't been inside of the University Center yet. It was the hub of all the activity back in the day and was one of the largest buildings on campus. In 1983, the two high rise dorms sat off kind of by themselves and the UC was the first building you came to as you walked toward the class buildings. Now, the UC and the high rise dorms are surrounded by classroom buildings and the UC is absolutely dwarfed by the Business and Science building that stands just on the other side of high ri...I mean Corlew. Heck, Corlew is dwarfed by the BAS with the exception that it is several floors taller. Anyway, I hardly even noticed the UC as I walked past it.

Peck Hall and Kirksey Old Main are still there, and the weirdo's still hang out at Peck Hall for some reason. It has this courtyard thing going on on the bottom floor and there was always the wierdest looking people hanging out down there. Nothing's changed there. I remember once there was a guy that hung out around Peck Hall wearing sackcloth and carrying a Cross and a HUGE "REPENT" sign. That was the only time I've ever seen that outside of a movie.

There are about 3 times more people, 5 times as many cars, and about half the parking there once was! They have a soccer field where the biggest parking lot I've ever seen once was. There is still a portion of it for the football and arena parking, but the largest portion of it is gone for the soccer stadium (Couldn't they just use the football stadium?). We used to call that parking lot BFE. I won't go into what that stood for, but we called it that because it was SO FAR AWAY from everything.

Oh and the main parking lot across from the high rise dorms is now gone. I wonder where the people in those dorms park now.

There is so much congestion on the campus now, I don't know how those who ride bikes get around. The sidewalks are packed, the streets are packed, even the classrooms are packed! I think only one of my classes is not completely full and I think the only reason for that is that it is meeting in a computer lab...it's a Spanish class! I think it may have been a last minute decision to put us in that particular room.

Well, all and all, I am happy with my classes. I'm afraid of the coursework to come, but enjoy the teachers and the content so far. There is one that talks very slow, but what he says is so interesting that it makes up for it. I just notice that I tend to get lost in the long pauses though. He asked me a question today and I was taken by surprise because I thought he had already moved on from that topic. I guess I had zoned out a bit and didn't hear part of the question. No biggie. I had the answer:-)

Procrastinating

I just can't seem to get anything done today. I simply am not motivated to do anything but play with my computer. I have several things I NEED to accomplish before I go back to school, but at this rate, there is no way it will happen.

This blog entry is nothing more than putting off what I need to do. Thus the title.

I Miss Writing

Writing used to come so easy to me. Sometimes, I would sit to write something and the words would come spilling out of me. I even had times when I felt that my fingers couldn't move fast enough to capture all the words falling out of my head. Much of what I typed seemed to come straight from God. It was wonderful. I loved it. It was a form of expression for me that I thrived on.

Now it's a little different. I often get a snippet or phrase that comes to me that I want to write down, but am not in a place where I can. The thought is often gone long before I am in a place where I can capture it. Then to actually make myself sit still long enough to expound on any thought is almost as hard as having a thought to expound upon.

I know that ideas are still in me somewhere, and I pray that God bring all those thoughts that I felt were worth capturing, back around for me to actually do so. I have always felt that words, once let out, were like part of us that live on forever. Certainly I felt this way about written words, but I also feel that way about spoken words. Matthew 12:36 says that we will hold account for every careless word. Somehow I imagine every word we write or speak, floating around out there in space for God to catch and save for us. I think of the opposite of that scripture as being that we will be praised for the good words we say or write. That if he saves the bad ones for us to account for, then surely the good ones are saved for our benefit.

Besides what the Bible says, I have read that sound waves go on forever. I've even read about some that believe if a such a receiver could be devised, that we could capture ancient words and listen in on conversations from across time. It's a fanciful and imaginative idea, but I kind of like the idea that what we speak today may be heard hundreds of years from now. This can't even begin to compare with the ideas I have about the written word. I mean think about the authors of the dead sea scrolls. Do you think they ever imagined that there words would be such a source of mystery so long after they are gone? To me, it's almost like letting a part of me get away if I can't save what I have written.

So now, to not even seem to be able to put any words together is painful. It has always been such a part of me. It has never mattered much to me about whether people reading it liked it as it was that I was able to get words out. I have read the Five Love Languages and I am very much a "words" person. I speak love with words and I HEAR love through words. (I'm also a gifts person, so write me a letter, something with words that I can hold in my hands, and I am a VERY happy girl). I know that you service/touch/quality time people could never understand this, but being able to write-to set my words free-is very much like eating good food to me. I don't have to have it to live, but it sure makes the things I do have to do, more enjoyable. The words I have written in the past are important enough to me that I do things to protect them and feel a loss if they are destroyed. I don't suppose it is the actual word that I mourn so much as the idea behind it, but if the words are gone, I feel the idea is lost as well.

I do feel that someday the block will be removed and God will once again allow me to form a decent, formal thought long enough to put it on paper, or in this case, in my computer's memory. But till then, I will just keep trying periodically to force the action with the hope that the inspiration will follow and in turn, more action will come on its own.

Hopefully, this will happen before school starts back so I can put it to use in my writing assignments. Did I mention that writing used to come easy to me? Oh yeah, I used to be able to BS a paper without even thinking about it. Not anymore.

Where's my Pell Grant?

I got my financial aid award letter earlier this summer and it said I had a $488 Pell Grant. I just got a letter from the school saying "changes had been made" to my award and I needed to log in to see what they were. Well...MY PELL GRANT IS GONE! Why? How? I thought Obama was supposed to save us all not sink us further in to debt!!! UGH!

New Year

To me, the beginning of the new school year is more of a time for "resolutions" than January 1. I always see it as a new beginning. I always make promises to myself to be more organized, more disciplined, and quite frankly, BETTER. This year is no exception to the rule with the added pressure of actually beginning a new career track for myself. If ever I needed to be more organized and disciplined, NOW is the time. I haven't taken a full load of university level courses in 25 years. I definitely haven't tried juggling a full time course load AND a job. So in the next few weeks, I am going to have to become organized to a level that I have never before achieved.

I've got my fingers crossed.

Me, with handfuls of my hair.

I often have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew. I go through spells of having too much to the point of being so overwhelmed that I can't make up my mind what to do next, and then having absolutely nothing to do but get up, go to work, eat, and sleep. I absolutely thrive on the way-too-busy times. I hate it and I love it.

What always keeps me going during the craziest part of the busy time, is the thought that just around the corner, is time.

I think I lost sight of that corner.

Time to get back to what's real.

My focus over the last 2-3 years has been so...off. I can't think of how else to describe it. I keep remembering 2 Thesalonians 2:3 that tells us not to let any man deceive us because in the last days, there will be a "falling away". After our former church losing it's focus and literally being in the throes of death until another church took over and the former lost all identity, I started to notice how scripture was no longer the focus of the "church" we were in. I just had a bad, bad feeling about that. I even had dreams, that I believe were prophetic warnings in nature and that have been fulfilled. We should have gotten out of there long ago. We should have heeded those warnings. Looking back, while I don't think that anyone there is aware of it, they have gotten more into the "all roads lead to heaven" theology. While I DO believe in a totally merciful God, I also believe that he provided a way for us and it is only ONE way. Is that arrogant as so many who are unchurched seem to think? Well, it wasn't me that said, "I am the way and no one comes to the Father but through Me." I think it is rather arrogant for someone to reject that way without even fully exploring it. Yes, of course it's hard. Denying yourself the things of the flesh that would bring pleasure IS hard, but is anything worthwhile easy?

Anyway, I don't think I have been deceived, as such, but I have become complacent and allowed my spiritual self to become lax and lazy. I have all but done away with reading the Bible Easy to find excuses when you go back to work and start school, but extremely detrimental-Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. I stopped going to church for at least a year which was extremely destructive to our family that now cannot agree on which church to attend. Not to mention that I don't feel like I have an extended family around me anymore to support us in times of need. There is a reason God tells us not to forsake the assembly. That is how we surround ourselves with people who love and care for us and who will drop everything to help us when we need it. Of course those are the people we will also look out for and help out. My prayer life became next to nonexistent as I would begin a prayer, get sidetracked and end up only repeating myself over and over again as I tried to remember where I left off. My mind just wandered too much. Instead of praying without ceasing, I would turn on the TV to drown out my thoughts. Of course all of this led to the "old man" being able to try to resurrect himself and wheedle his way back into my thought processing. This has been probably the biggest reason the desert I have found myself in. It is time to leave that desert and bury that old man for good. That is NOT who I am and I refuse to let him define me.

All of this is to say, that I am keenly convicted that the time is near and I need to be trimming my wick and filling my lamp with oil. I fully believe the Bridegrooom is on His way and I do not want to be caught unprepared. I have received my wake up call.

This blog is not meant for a readership. I fully believe that if someone needs to read these words, that God will send them here. I have noticed that it has at times been a source of vanity, so it is for this reason that I am going to turn the comments off. It's not because I don't want anyone disagreeing with me. It's because I like people agreeing with me too much. This blog is merely my attempt to capture the lessons God is teaching me at any given moment. It started out that way. I want it to BE that way. So hopefully this will be a little less randomness and a little more focused. Here's to a refreshing new start.

Taking Stock

A friend's husband died this week and I went to the funeral. This was one of those funerals that you actually enjoy. No one is really sad except for the fact that he will be terribly missed. Everyone is absolutely sure that this man is now with Jesus, so the "funeral" is more of a celebration. Sure there are tears, but they are more a testament to how wonderful this man was rather than sadness over his passing. These are the things that I carried away with me from this funeral:

Church home and family are important. Over the last year, we have not been actively involved in a church and we have not really stayed in touch with people we called friends, at the one we left. I have really been feeling a void there lately. It left me wondering what we would do in difficult times without our "family". Now I am more convinced than ever that we NEED that family to support us in good times and bad and to be available to support them as well. We would get by without them, but it is so much easier with their love and support.

You must let your family know you love them. Sure you have to discipline your kids. Sure you can joke around with them. But it is vital for them to know you love them and are proud of them. They must be able to know when you are serious and when you are playing around. You can't let them think you are never serious because they will push too far and not respond to correction for thinking you are still teasing. Lots of hugs and warmth are imperative. Being involved in their lives is a must. Kids especially tend to think you don't care if you don't watch them accomplish and succeed.

The bond of friendship is seldom easy, but worth it. It's so hard to invite people over with the house a mess. It's even harder to get and invitation to someone else's home when you have lots of kids. So bite the bullet and clean house so company can come over. And do it LOTS of times. That's how friendships are formed-time with the people you want to be friends with. So just DO it.

Life doesn't have to be boring. All work and no play really do make for a dull existence. Go play and take family and friends with you.

Most importantly...God should be the center of our lives. If God is the center and we are grateful for what we have, and we always let people know this, people will not grieve for us when we are gone. Miss us? Yes. But grieve? Na, they will KNOW where we are.

Thank You, God, for my many blessings. Thank You for my family and the love that exists in my home. Thank You for our health and for security. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!!

US Bank, First Tennessee and a question

Yes this blog is going to be random for a while. Sorting things out means pulling out the junk and going through it all. So nothing deep or profound for a while. I need to chill a bit first.

It's things like this that have me so frazzled:

We were with this one bank. A large, don't-know-who-you-are-cause-your-just-a-number bank (cou-us-gh cou-bank-gh)and they charged us overdraft fees on a whole bunch of small overages after taking one large one. They could have paid the small ones first and only charged us for the one large one (one $39 fee as opposed to many). This led to months of constantly being over and being charges only to set us back even more. (No kidding this probably cost us close to a thousand dollars) When questioned about this tactic, they said it was a "customer service" so that if the large one were your mortgage, it would be paid on time. Excuse me, you're paying ALL of them and just charging me like you weren't. So what difference does it make if you pay one or the other first? Never mind that when you charge me multiple overdraft fees, you kill me financially so that I can never get on my feet again. Oh hell, I want the world to know. It was US BANK. The final straw was when they did it to my son for a measly 3 bucks. He was at school in East Tennessee and his mail is forwarded. It was 10 days before he found out about it and they charged him a freaking $9 a day on top of the $39 fee! Would not do a thing to help him. So we closed ALL of our accounts.

We then moved to First Tennessee. Now they have been real good to us except for one thing. Their bill pay sucks. When I first tried it, they took the money from your account as soon as you scheduled your payment. So I can't schedule a week out due to the fact that my money may not be in there until the day before! UGH! I get late payment fees cause I have to wait till I have money to schedule the payments, but it takes five days to pay. Okay after a year of licking my wounds from that one, I try again. It says to schedule five days out. So I schedule on a Friday to pay the next Friday with a due date on the following Tues. The money won't be there until the Friday on which I am scheduling the payment, but deposits are supposed to post before the payments right? Well, the money was withdrawn on the correct Friday, the deposit posted after the fact resulting in overdraft fees (this time only $10 each) and the payments were posted FIVE DAYS AFTER THE MONEY WAS WITHDRAWN resulting in another $39 each in late fees. After questioning this, they did refund the overdraft fees, but said their rules clearly stated to schedule payments five days out and they would NOT do anything about them. So I figure they are simply mailing my payments. I could mail my own and get them there on time without having money drawn from my account before the check arrives. They aren't helping me with anything but postage this way and if I am getting late fees everytime, they are way negating that. So I pose this question to anyone who will answer:

Do I change banks again? Or should I give them another chance? I mean, they are all out to screw you right? This is life from paycheck to paycheck. Anybody know of any banks that are fair?

I am forwarding this post to First Tennessee. I'll post whatever they reply. I am so sick of banks running the show. I still want to be fair with them, but USBank had all the time and opportunity to make things right. Stay as far away from them as you can.

On Octomom

My personal opinion? She messed up. But come on folks. Nobody has a cow about the welfare mom who keeps popping out kids just to get a bigger check so shut up and deal. At least this woman is having kids cause she loves kids. I have actually heard welfare moms say they needed to have another kid so they could get enough money to get a new car. If you aren't going to do anything about them, then leave this woman alone as well. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I hear even conservative talk shows talking about taking away this woman's babies and reporting her to child protection agencies. Hellooooooo, it ain't any of your business!

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

The Devil Made Me Do It.

I'm going about my business and realize I'm eating something I know I shouldn't. Didn't even think about whether or not to pick it up. Didn't even think about taking that first bite, but here I am three fourths the way through it and I'm going to regret it later. Was it habit? Impulse? Instinct? What in the world made me do it???? I mean, I might as well have been on auto mode cause I barely remembered picking it up, much less the initial thought to do so.

So, I'm going about my business and realize that I'm thinking these thoughts that I know I shouldn't. Don't even recall what it was that got me on this train of thought. Not sure why I'm even thinking such a thing. I mean the person I'm thinking about is a friend and doesn't deserve those kinds of thoughts. I know that thinking this will only make me angry and miserable. I don't even have anything to base it on. But here I am in a full blown fantasy about getting back at the person. When did I even start thinking about that person? What on earth difference does it make if those thoughts are true or not? Why am I giving time to this AT ALL?

I heard something today. "Recognize your enemy." Yeah. I let him in without even thinking about it. Gotta start working on that.

Random gems is about to become more random

I'm not even going to begin to catch up. All I will say about the last year and a half is that I haven't had a cohesive train of thought in all that time. Who can write when they can't think? But lately, those little snippets of thought that sound literary have been making random appearances in my thoughts again and I need a place to store them. So until they start making sense again, my arbitrary thoughts will be placed here. Perhaps a pattern will develop and I will find myself in them.

That being said...

my mind has gone blank.