Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Vague rants (for the sake of being vague.)

There are times when I draw so into myself to find an answer on an issue that I feel like I am turning inside out. The last 2 weeks have been like that. An up and down roller coaster of questioning my belief system. God had already started the process-testing my limits, pushing my boundaries. Then man comes along and explodes the issue altogether-in a way I'm not so sure God meant. I am trying to pick up the peices and fit them back together, but they don't all fit.

And I am not sure if it is pride that keeps them from fitting or if it is a check in my spirit. Part of me wants things to fit the way "man" says it should fit cause it would actually benefit some other things going on in my life right now. Another part of me, for some unexplicable reason says there's something missing.

I have seen both sides of this issue presented scripturally and there is a place for both sides. I'm just not sure I (meaning me and my family) am supposed to be a part of it. People are talking to me like I am letting Satan steal this from me, but I don't know if it is Satan stealing it from me, or God showing me something that no one else sees.

Certainly, I do find myself looking at my motives. I know I don't WANT to find that they are wrong, but after examining them, and being told HOW they are wrong, I still do NOT see them as being wrong.

Walking away will mean starting over in a lot of areas that I felt established and ready to move forward in. I certainly don't WANT to have to start over. Walking away will mean leaving "home" in one sense of the word. It will mean shame to a certain extent because "man" tells me I am wrong if I walk away.

One minute, I am fine. Accepting. The next I am confused. Unsure. Then I wonder if it's worth all the worrying over. But still...I feel...a warning. Like there is a deeper issue at hand that will in time ensnare me. What that issue is, I don't know-I don't even have a hint. I think that's why I wonder if I should listen to it at all.

The Bible says that in the end times, even the very elect will be decieved. This plays over and over again in my mind as I think about this. But am I the elect that is decieved? Or am I being warned not to let myself be decieved?

I am seeking Godly counsel on this matter. It is my hope that he will be seperate enough from the issue to give wise counsel. As a former pastor, I feel he knows scripture enough to base his thoughts on that, my only concern is the doctrinal differences. I am in hopes that he will look past denominational lines on this issue. I DO need to hear from someone on the outside and someone who is not burdened with this issue as I am.

I feel like I am making more of this than I should. Why is such a seemingly simple thing bogging me down so? Funny thing is that my husband, though not in as much turmoil over it as I, is just as confused. He feels the decision has been made for him and that he is being cornered into following along. There again, this could very well just be our pride and resistance to change.

Another funny (in a queer sort of way) thing is that it is obvious that people know my reservations and approach me to talk me out of them. It seems that everyone I care about is already sold on this thing and is excited about it. I can't understand why I am not. It seems like a perfect solution. There is no reason why I (meaning normally I would jump on an idea like this "I") should not be happy with it. Normally I love the adventure of change and I have been begging my husband to let me change something about our lives for several months now. I really want to move-preferably to another state-not because I don't like it here, but because I WANT change. How odd is that?